The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

This freking computer in this freakish looking computer shop is giving me hell! The keys are stucky and well... duh...stick to my fingers when I type. WELL... its getting awfully common for me to fo catch up entries... and as usual... this is a catch up entry! Sigh... well like I said the last time..I was about to choose my subjects. Here are my choices: Biomedical Technology and as for the Cross Disciplinary subjects (CDS) , I picked Freehand Drawing I filled up the rest of my choises with art subjects... I recon that if I get BMT I wouldn't be able to do much. I might be too busy to do other more serious and taxing subjects. I'm all packed to go back to Singapore... sigh... my vacation's almost ended. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh.Sigh Other things have happend... i'm just too tired to tell you more. I need to bake later.

Sigh, well... the term tests ended on Wednesday and well... me and some of my classmates went out. Sigh... well...we walked all the way from Far East to Suntec City Mall. Boy, that was far. it was pretty fun... well, except for all the waiting. By the time I got to Suntec , I was very tired... my knees were like jelly! What made it even worse was the fact that I got into a full bus.... translation: no seats for 60 minutes ! For some reason, there was a lot of waiting going on. Anyways... that was Wednesday. I was so freaking sleep deprived and tired that I didn't even get to enjoy my nocturnal TV shows. I was reduced to a sleeping snoring mass in minutes ! Thursday was a mild mess. My Psychology group met up at around 2 pm (I say around because 3 out of us 4 group members were pretty late... sad to say, I was one of them.) We filmed the commercial and like I said... we ran through some hiccups. The props for instance took a while to obtain and some pretty major changes to the sc

Yesterday, my cousin, after much deliberation an cajoling (by me of course) finally decided to accompany me to watch "The Golden Compass" and well... here's what I think. I think I need to read the book. hehehehe No really. It was pretty good. The whole look of the movie was spectacular and the concept was pretty cool. It was interesting to see a world of people with their souls living alongside them as animals. I however I have one negative comment... the story was incomplete and basically the audience was left wondering how things are going to get wrapped up. In other words... bitin. Anyways... C'est une joli garcon qui je missera. Okay that was in broken french which if you can understand then fine. If not then its for me to know...hehehehe and you not to find out. Okay... that was so random. On to other things: Tommorow's the start of the term tests. Sigh. 3 days till school ends. 6 days till I get out of here. 16 days till Christmas. 23 days till new year. 23

Oh Christ! I am so behind! It's only two more days till the term tests starts and here I am, I still have 4 and a half subjects to study for. Well at least the Cross Disciplinary Subjects (CDS) I got dont requrire me to take a written exam. Sigh. Yesterday evening, I took my first look at my Microbiology notes. Sigh. I regretted skipping all of those lectures. I tried to study but it seemed like nothing could stick. I am in for a rough couple of days of studying. Last night I spent hours finishing my story portfolio for the Storytelling class. I think its worth about 10% of the total grade. It was so hard to think up stories and decipher their meanings and morals. It's like doing book reports in the fifth grade! I hate book reports and despite popular belief, I don't like english lessons either. They tend to bore me. Anyhow... today's been great, I woke up late and I mean very late and headed to school. Yes folks, I skipped lectures again! How am I supposed to learn at

Today's been a sick mess. I woke up feeling really cold and just plain unwell! To top it all off, I heard that one of my Psychology group mates was sick and well, she wouldn't be able to make it to the meeting where we're supposed to start filming! That got me really freaked because I knew of no other time that each teammate will be able to find a time and place to converge, especially now since the term tests are about to begin. Anyways, the meeting was canceled because we couldn't really film anything without a camera. (the missing teammate was supposed to bring it). I curled up in bed hoping that the chills were just from the aircon . I stayed there for hours but the feeling didn't go away. Everytime I would try to get up, I would feel really dizzy and sick. I wasn't able to have breakfast and I was only able to manage a few spoonfuls for lunch. I was, like I said a sick mess. Finally, at around two-o-clock, my mother began to worry and realize that I was s

Sunday. I skipped the usual malling that my family often goes through every weekend. I needed some time to get my psych thing done and to start doing some revision. Term tests are next week! The first tests are on the 7th. Sigh. I am so far behind its not even fathomable how much work I have to do. I'm sad. My parents' relationship isn't exactly what a normal person would call healthy. I guess you could say that its on the rocks. They think I don't know....but I do. I am so losing sleep over this.

I am going to go mad! This Psychology thing is driving me to the verge of insanity! My classmates and I have to make a commercial applying the theories we've learnt and boy is it frustrating, especially if your other team members are missing. I'm not blaming anyone but, well, things keep popping up! Sigh. i'm just so tired of organizing everything! Guess what, we're meeting tomorrow! At my house. Sigh. Term tests are just ten days away! I am so freaked out I don't know what is going on! I need more time. I need to get a hold of myself, I need to get something permanent done because... well everything's changing and spinning so fast that I'm losing control! I need to slow down but I have no other choice but to speed up. I had a strange dream. I can't explain it but well, all I can say is that something good is coming up. I so need a break. I'm looking forward to going back for Christmas in the Philippines. Can't say I'm excited though. I don

Its been a while and it seems that I only write on Fridays. I think I'm finally running out of time to accomplish the daily tasks required of me so naturally, I don't have time to write in my blog. This week started off really badly. On Monday, I had a HPI test and I just somehow got left behind by the bus. I got to school ten minutes late! I came to the test ten minutes late! And believe me, I really needed those ten minutes. Tuesday and Wednesday were lab days and being my usual self, I messed some stuff up. The rest of Wednesday was filled with my rushing to finish my tutorial assignments and well well well, wouldn't you know it, there were two pop quizzes. Just my luck, those were the two subjects that I usually skipped lectures for. Thursday was nonexistent. I went for one lecture and went home to sleep. I heard about the mutiny that had occurred in the Philippines. It was pretty ugly but well, the government took care of it. Yesterday, there was a curfew from 12 midni

I am so tired. CCN day was today and well. I have to say that it's been pretty stressful . First of all, I wasn't really sure if I could do henna for other people. Its a good thing that my cousin, Krisha wanted a henna tattoo on her lower back and that gave me a chance to practice on other people. All of this time I've been practicing on my left hand and, well, it looks like a big brownish blob because of how many times I've gone over it with henna. Against all odds (with only a couple of hours of practice,) I've gotten pretty good with the henna cone. I'm not an expert but well, whatever I pull out of my ass seems to be worth paying for, because people seem to want me to draw brown chocholatey patterns on their skin. I was actually pretty surprised with the popularity of the henna. I have to say, I feel kind of sorry for my first customer, In my opinion hers didn't really turn out that well. Oh well. Anyways, I was a bit bummed that I didn't really get

I'm about to whine about something so if you want to, just skip to the next part. There's this freaky new dude in my class and well, he's the slimy, creepy sort. Well, at least that's how he comes off as. My class (including myself) is a bit turned off by this queer fellow who simply has the cheek not to play by the rules. On Thursday (at least I think it was Thursday last week) he pissed off one of my dear friends so much so that it brought her to tears. he kept asking the stupidest of questions like, "what's that?" pointing to her bracelet . I don't think that he was retarded enough to not know that the beaded loop around her wrist was a freaking bracelet. My pals even got scolded for speaking in class just because this weirdo kept asking strange questions. The queerest thing about this person is that he absolutely refuses to pay for the notes that he took. It cost less that $3! How annoying! I mean, I just think that is attitude is a bit much bec

I woke up to the sound of raindrops pat pat pattering on my window. It was so cold. The dim morning light showed me that I could get away with another half hour of sleep. I was cranky and wanted nothing more than an extra two hours of sleep. I climbed back to bed only to come to thirty five minuites later. I basically rushed to get to school, trying my best not to get soaked. I got there fine. HPI (Human Physiology and Immunology) lab session had already begun when my classmates and I had reached the room. The lab wasn't exactly what you would call interesting. Anyways, apres la, mes amies et moi went for APEL, to sort out the logistics of what was going to happen on CNN (or CCN, I'm not really sure) day, where we're supposed to do some fund raising. After the meeting, Jaya, Joanne, Carissa, Vanessa, Yasmeen and I went to little India. I have to say, it was a very colorful experience! We bought some cones for henna (that's the thing we're supposed to do for fund rai

If I had a super power, I doubt I'd choose invisibility. I'd probably pick the power to read minds instead, or maybe the power to fly, but definitely not invisibility. Invisible, is that something that I am? It seems to me that sometimes people have the tendency to toss me away like an old forgotten rag doll. Am I really that easy to forget? I'd like to think that I leave some sort of impression on someone on first meetings, but lately, I end up feeling like some sort of ghost. I'm there but people don't see me, well, that is at least until someone needs me to do something for them that someone actually pays some sort of attention to me. Just this afternoon, I was sitting with some people and well, I was in the zone, revising with my headphones on full blast. I do not know if it was a mistake or on purpose but well, when I finally looked up form my work, I was all alone. I sighed, and made my way to wherever it was I was supposed to be. I was forgotten. I wasn'

week 1 or I should say week 27 is about to come to an end. It's been a pretty easy week. The Cross Disciplinary Subjects ( CDS ) subject's I've gotten aren't bad at all! I got Introduction to Psychology (Psych) and The Powerful Art of Storytelling ( TPAS ) , the latter I'm not so enthusiastic about... well that is, except for the fact that I have some interesting classmates, one more interesting than the others. Mwahahahaha . Psych is pretty cool too. I just bought the textbook and to tell you the truth, it is very wordy. There's a dude in my TPAS class that actually failed psych. Uh oh I thought. Well, me being who I am, I probably won't fail psych, its probably one of the other subjects hehe . Well, actually, I think I might be able to pull a better GPA this time round! My GPA last term was 2.69 which is pretty bad. 4's the highest. Hopefully, all will turn out well and I'll be able to get somewhat of a 3.50. Yay , first step towards achieving s

Just finished uploading pictures for my friends (in photobucket and friendster ). It feels good to be able to do things online quickly. I guess I do tend to take things like technology and such for granted. I missed cable TV too. Is that superficial of me? Well, all in all, my vacation was pretty good. I got to meet new people and see my relatives. What little shopping I did was pretty great. I cant wait to go back. Its pretty sad though. In Philippines, Christmas starts early and well... I found out that it would be unlikely for me to go back there for the Christmas break. I hate spending Christmas here in Singapore. It's pretty sad here, just the immediate family, meaning my mum, my dad and moi.

I'm back to the land of the not so free and fast Internet connections. We got here at around 9 in the evening, and I have a new roommate. My cousin, Krish . Hope I don't go on about having my personal space invaded and I hope that she can get a job ASAP. Going back to school next week and the schedule isn't out yet. Sigh, I don't like going into something unprepared. I'm kinda tired but as you probably know, I haven't been blogging for like almost a month so I took the time to blog. Phew, what a vacation.. Did anyone ever say that vacations are tiring? What's the point really , because you come home tired anyways... Sigh. Well.. good night, or should I say good morning!

Here I am, still in the phillippines, typing my heart out in a computer shop near my house. I haven't been blogging lately because, well, to tell you the truth, I haven't really been by myself. I don't really feel comfortable blogging in public. Yes I know that its silly beacuse people are bound to come across my blog and read it. And people do. I guess, I'm just not ready to be as open to the members of my family as I am with the people in who read my blog. I'd rather perfect strangers read my blog than people I know. I guess it just comes with the fear of letting people get close enough to hurt you or something like that. Anyways, I'm going back to Singapore on Monday next week, Sigh, I wish I could stay longer.

I went to the dentists office to extract one of my impacted tooth. I have to tell you that it was an ordeal to be remembered. The sad part is that I have another impacted tooth an extra tooth growing almost under my tongue. The operation took a lot out the dentist and I. The whole thing took close to two hours! Phew. Here's the X ray! The gory details are coming up soon so if you can't stand the sight of blood, I suggest you stop reading now! Ha ha ! She first tested if I was allergic to the numbing medicine, I think its called Novocaine , anyway, she injected a small amount in my arm and waited a few minutes to see if I would have an adverse reaction to it. I didn't. She then proceeded to examine the tooth and inject me with the numbing medicine. I uttered a muffled " Ouh !" with the initial jab. I was scared out of my mind! I think she made some sort of incision but I couldn't feel it .... thank goodness for that! Well anyways, the rest of the one hour and

Well, now, I'm here with my aunts, when I'd really rather be with my cousins. Sigh, well, at least we're going back there on Tuesday. Well, here's the deal, when we're in the Philippines, we can stay either with my cousins (on my dad's side) or with my aunts (on my mum's side) and since my aunts are at work during the day, It can get pretty boring, staying with them. (when I say we, I mean my mum and I) The problem is, when we stay with my cousins, I can't really have fun either, with my mom always hovering. I have to say that my mother can be a pain and the kill joy. Sometimes she leaves me there, and that's when the fun really gets off. Birthdays were yesterday, my mum and my cousin's that is. I can't say it wasn't fun. Yesterday we made the trip from the cuzzies to the aunties. Sigh, I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense right now, I guess I've been so swept away by whatever is happening around me that I haven't reall

im here with my cousin in a cheap computer cafe and well, I'm hving a heck of a lot of troble typing because the keys are sticky. A lot has changes since I've left and things that I thougfht werent going to happen happened. Basically some people are in sticky messes that they could have avoided. I alwas feel a bit weird when I'm visiting my cousins, they stay at one of my parents' properties but I alwas feel a bit awkward, like I don't belong, sometimes I wish I had the same kind of camradery that they have with the people around them. I guess I am a bit jealous, they have a place where they can feel like they belong, wislt I almost alwasy seem to feel out of place where ever I am. I guess I'm just weird. The visit allows me to ponder about my life and how really unhappy I am at my habitat.

I'm home, well not really but I'm in my homeland. Anyways, I arrived on Saturday at noon. My folks are so paranoid, and my dad, he took everyone's phone numbers and asked me to keep multiple copies of them on my person. Sigh anyways, here's what's happened so far... When I arrived, my aunts and my mum were there to pick me up duh, how am I going to get anywhere in the Philippines alone there was a whole lot of traffic which was so typical. Some of the streets were flooded and well, some poor people had to trudge through the dirty water to get to wherever they wanted to go. I bet some of those people are bound to get sick. I wish something would be done to fix those kinds of things, the government needs to do something. Come evening, I played badminton with my one of my aunts and her friends for over an hour. That felt good, I haven't been participating in any sports lately. Now I'm all sore. Yesterday, I had a pretty good time with my cousin yesterday, we

I passed! I can't believe it! I passed all of my subjects! I am so happy! Sure My grades aren't that great, all C+s and Bs and a B+. So average. I guess this is one time, I'm actually thankful to be average, because that means I pass! I'll do better next time but now, I'm just glad that I get to take a break for a while. My Dad is booking a flight for Sunday and I am grateful that my Mum helped me pack before she left, you know, just in case. What's really weird is that everybody just knew that I was going to pass, and I didn't believe them. I guess I was just setting my self up for disappointment. You know how it is, low expectations, no disappointments. It kills my self esteem though.People who really know me say that I am a pessimist. I think that its about time I adopt a healthier outlook on life. Easier said than done. I'm going to be bringing my laptop with me so that I don't get too disconnected from the rest of the world.

I know that I haven't been blogging for a while and to tell yo the truth, its not because I had nothing to blog about, its just that well, I've been more than just a little bit lazy. Here's the low down on whats been going on, On Friday I know, I know! That was a while ago. , I went to immigration to sort out some confusion with my student pass and my dependent pass. Apparently I'm only allowed to keep one. After which I spent a little one on one time with my old man, which was nice because he always tends to spoil me. When I got home I found out that my mother had rearranged my bedroom furniture and went through my things in an attempt to organise! This made me so furious! I was so VIOLATED! I mean, here I am a 19 year old individual whose only private space in the whole house invaded by none other than her mother! I was so cross with her. I got over it by hauling the carpet out of the room and moving furniture around! Anyways, the weekends flew past. I've been ha

I have lead a very sinful existence these past few days, see, my Dad came back from his business trip on Saturday and brought back some enrobed chocolates from Belgium or wherever and I just couldn't help myself from finishing the whole box. There's gluttony for you. Its the school holidays and I can't seem to help myself from pigging out or being lazy! I have gained a couple of pounds since Thursday. Sigh... I better get active. That's sloth.

The exams ended yesterday and well, all I did today was to catch up on all of the sleep I've been missing out on. I feel a bit guilty for not going to my friends' sort of farewell get together yesterday. I couldn't really go because I have some parental issues. Sad. I really wanted to go. Anyways I got another piercing, a helix piercing. It's so cool because now I have a pair on my left ear. I'm thinking getting the whole of my rim covered like Camryn Manheim. Can't wait to get another. I probably wont get one anytime soon. I think my parents are going to freak, they don't exactly know. Maybe I should get a piercing that isn't very visible, like a smiley or a frownie. It looks like this: Hmm, I will, as soon as I find a decent shop. I just took an IQ test and I've discovered that I am getting dumber. What was once a score of 132 became 129. Sigh, how can that be?! Just what I need, a brain which is incapable of getting smarter. Sigh.

Today... let me tell you, this has not been a good day at all. First of all, I just belly flopped into my Organic Chemistry paper. Let me put it this way, saying that I would be lucky to pass is an understatement. I think it would take all the luck in my life to just pass that paper. It was difficult. The worst part was that I expected the paper to be difficult! It was easier than I expected and still, I fear that I will not pass. I can feel my dreams of a long, relaxing, beach side vacation going down the drain. The best that I can hope for is that I have to take the test only when I get back (hopefully the schedule lets me take at least a short holiday), that way, I can experience even a tiny scrap of elation. What I want to do is De-stress. What I have to do now is study for tomorrow's Biochemistry Paper. Great! I hate... no not a strong enough word I ABSOLUTELY ABHOR studying for exams. Yep. I don't hate biochem . I just hate having to go over the same thing over and over

I just saw the past year papers for Human Anatomy and Physiology and oh my god I underestimated the scope of the syllabus . I gave myself just one day to study for it. Sure only five topics are tested but boy, they are tested to the max. The even tiniest most seemingly unimportant bit of information is tested. Looks like there's going to be little sleep tonight. Wish me luck.

I am so sick... Sick of sitting at my desk and studying! All I want is to pass the exams so that I can just get up and leave for the Philippines. If I pass all of my subjects, I do not have to sit for the sub paper which will be held during the holidays. It is quite irritating because my passport is about to expire. That means that I have to get it renewed before I can book the flight! Honestly, thats one hastle that I do not need during the exam period. Anyways, I have a paper tomorrow (Principals of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry, just saying it is exhausting!) and on Monday. I'm going to be free by Fridays so I'm thinking of doing something to celebrate. Sigh... if there's one thing I know about celebrations is that ninety percent of the time it involves food. I am already so chunky! There is however one good thing about study week.... due to all of the stress and studying, I have lost five pounds! I can't believe it either! My old clothes have started to fit me be

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I took a nap after coming back from Church See a pattern here? As soon as I get home I sleep. and got the weirdest dream. I couldn't remember it at first but now I do. It was so crazy! Here's how it went: I was pregnant then all of the sudden I wasn't! I had multiple 'Mini Me's running around creating havoc. I couldn't handle all of the two year old copies of my self and I just got angry and walked out of the house. I looked for my husband. I looked everywhere then I broke down in the middle of the road when I realised that I did not have a spouse! It was all so strange and freaky! I wonder where that came from. My subconscious self must be going through some horrible thing to cook up that kind of dream. Terrifying! Okay, back to real life. I am so distracted! I need to focus and prioritise. Study time.

I caught the flu. I think it's because of all of the eerie weather, excessive rain and insufficient sunshine. I felt so sick that I had to go home early on Friday. Now I do not typically skip lectures especially Human Anatomy and Physiology (HAP) but a killer headache and a runny nose just rendered me incapable of doing any learning. I got home and got some sleep. I had some dinner then went back to sleep. I woke up at almost three pm, barely able to breathe. Camping out at the living room in front of the TV is my favorite thing about being sick. I don't have to run around doing chores. I wanted to get some studying done though but well, this being sick stuff had just set me back a half a day in the work department. Sigh. I'm not going to the doctor. Nope. The last thing I need is some drugs that make me sleepy. Okay, I am not stupid, I know they can give you non-drowsy medication but then all it really does is alleviate your symptoms not cure you. Anyways I already took

Oh! Oh no! I just came to the realization that the final exam is just eight days away! I do not know if I am capable of devouring five subjects worth of notes in just eight days! I have two and a half "D" ring files worth of notes to go through. Gulp! For some reason still unknown to me, I have been able to survive school tests and exams the past few years. I usually just got by, without getting awesome grades. I was your basic average slacker who doesn't buck up until the last minute. Why the heck did I choose Biomedical Science? It takes a lot of work! I want more projects and less reading, I mean, that is what I went to Polytechnic for. I hate studying but I like learning. Does that make sense? Anyways, here's a picture of my Biochemistry(BC)lecturer and the rest of the class. BC is pretty tough (there's so much text to internalize) but he makes learning it more entertaining. He's leaving though. Sad. Oh yeah, the lecturer is the dude holding the Mikey Mous

Sleep. I can't seem to get enough of it! When I got home, I headed straight to my room and I was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. I woke up to eat dinner and watch my favorite soap opera and now, I'm supposed to be studying but guess what, my head wants is soft sweet slumber. I have a headache and the only cure I know of that does not involve drugs is mind numbing REM. Damn that sandman! Why the heck am I so tired! I was only in school for around three hours and we barely used our brains Well it didn't take that much brain power to figure out how to use a calculator for solving leniar regression equations. Sheesh! I'm going to go sleep now. Tomorrow's lecture day and I'm just coming for Organic Chemistry. Late mornings are the best! Who needs breakfast when you can have brunch. Nighty night!

The test went pretty well and I am glad that I took the time off to look up certain things in the reference books in the library. I can feel an ending of some sort approaching. I think its probably because this school term is ending. It's pretty weird because this week seems full of last tutorials and practicals and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to take on the exams. I know I've been saying that I really need a break but now that the school holidays are coming up, I'm not so sure I want to go back to the Philippines. I think I want to go somewhere else like Australia or Hong Kong just for the change in environment. I asked my Mum about my going to University and she communicated her uncertainty in us being able to afford further education. I do not know if I would still want to go forth with my education but at the moment, I feel that the knowledge that I would have acquired by the end of my three years would not be enough adequate in helping me gain employment.

Two minuites ago: I am at the library trying to make sense of the Organic chemistry notes before me. I feel frustrated. I try to twist and turn the practically senseless words in my head, hoping to form some kind of idea of what has been taught and what I'm expected to know. Somehow, while looking at a reference book, something clicked in my mind and I knew exactly what was going on. I think great! Only 10 more pages of this. Then I roll my eyes at myself. Who do I think I'm kidding? There is a very small chance that I can internalise two chapters of notes in half an hour! I wish I were a genius or have photographic memory. What really gets on my nerves is that the way in which the notes are written are extremely convoluted. The technical terms are not first explained before they are used. This results in my acute confusion. She expects us to just know, instinctively. I feel that this is unfair because to her those terms are familiar as she has a PHD and such qualifications.

I'm so missing people. So sad. I miss my old friends (one of whom I just IM- ed with). I cant wait for the break and in all honesty I do not want to be chosen for that program that I applied for. I want to get away from here. Party a little. Live a little. I need a break and a massage. I want to go to Boracay (an island resort in the Philippines) and just take a plunge into the cool crystal clear water. I want to escape from this world. I wish I'd done something other than go to Poly. What bugs me is that I don't really have friends who I can confide with. (is the grammar right?) Not like the ones I used to have anyway. I have friends just not serious ones. Miss all of you French classmates and schoolmates! Sayang, walang mashadong pinoy dito.

Monosyllabic words should be used when talking to most teenagers, right? I say NO! Teens are not idiots, however the media has influenced us in such a way that we teens have a tendency to dumb ourselves down. This is probably because using words such as "extol" of "fraudulent" in day to day conversation is going to get you some strange looks from you're fellow teens ( especially here in Asia- for some reason still unknown to me). These decent words are not difficult or complex in meaning, so what keeps them form daily use? Well, in my opinion, the adaptation of a wider vocabulary (in place of a slang infused one) is hindered by the fear of ridicule. It is very difficult for one to be different especially during the formative years. I was one of those so called "weird" kids. Growing up, I could not help myself from gobbling up information from books and other media. Most of my classmates thought I was strange, and few shared my interests. I was not

Nothing feels solid. I wish none of this was real. Drained on the inside, Parched I feel. It just takes too much To keep this facade up. I wish I could just quit, But I don't want to. I need to keep this going, But I don't want to. This isn't good, So why do I like it. Something is wrong here, But I don't know if this can be fixed. Conflicts rage, Turmoils boil and into the hole I sink.

I wish for: A 1967 Ford Mustang Convertible in decent condition my own business (AKA: I want to be my own boss) All the clothes and shoes I could want The ability to read minds (really, who doesn't want that, it would surely help out in exams!) The ability to control my parents (evil maniacal laughter) A mind of a genius My own apartment (I so need to get away from my parents) Longer legs (I want to be like, 5 feet 8 inches tall) A guitar Lots of money A vacation Fat chance that I'm going to get any of those things, well... maybe the vacation and the guitar but, other that that, none of those things are going to come to me anytime soon. But hey, a girl can dream can't she?

I had a great day today. It was almost free from my parents' incessant nagging (duh, that's why it's incessant, it doesn't cease). I got some new clothes (finally!) and the cherry on top is that my folks are leaving the country AGAIN! So naturally, Nica and I are going to have the house to ourselves. Well, actually, I'm going to have the house to myself, since she's always at work! GOODBYE HOUSE RULES! Oh and plus, neither my parents, nor Nica know that I'll have an extra day off school (other than the National Day of course, Aug 9) ! That means that I can go do whatever I want wherever I want, without them knowing! VIVA LA LIBERTE! (Gulp! Yes people, that was French...erm... at least I think that's correct. Saying that I'm a bit rusty with French is a major understatement.)

My strange little antisocial phase has been broken. Yes people, Rowan has done her time in solitary confinement and is ready to be let out into the yard (I guess I've been watching too much Prison Break).

I hate being here, in school. Too many eyes and too may stragers looking. Sure I am not alone, pysically but well, really inside, every man is an island. I seem to like it that way. In solitude, one finds meaning within themselves, one, finds reasons for their existance. Sure, it means less distractions, and sure, you're eventually going to have a polar view of the world compared to everybody else but there are advantages. I have control over practically every aspect of my life now. I am able to have a privacy that I have never experienced before. Now, no one can see into my head (well, you can see what is written in this blog but really, thats about it). No one can judge me because no one will truly know me but me. No one will be able to use my thoughts against me without my permission. I will be able to take my secrets with me, and not let them wander free letting the wind carry them. I know that its kind of strange to be antisocial but right now, its what is best for me. I can&

The sky is the color of ash. Everything seems gray and drab. The house is quiet and empty and honestly I’m enjoying the lack of company. For some reason, I just don’t feel the need to socialize as much. Call it a phase, well whatever it is, one word that comes to mind is dry . School, and plain day to day life has become lackluster for me. Boring. I can't wait to go on vacation. Maybe just sit at the seaside, reading a book and finally getting an even tan, that would cure me. Sigh, this time two years ago, when I was a freshman, I had some sort of breakdown, literally, that time, everything was just plain falling apart. Glad that history didn't repeat itself. I've got more sense than that. I guess, it is true, the older you are, the wiser you get. I can take a lot more hits than I used to be able to. A drink would help though.... Kidding!

Its around 10 in the morning and I am not really in the best of moods. Lateness, I hate it! Here I am waiting in the library for the members (of the group for some sort of school thingie) who were supposed to show up. They just came in. Well, I'm going to make them wait for a while, posting this. Doesn't anyone know that you're supposed to come at least 10 minuites before the actual meeting is supposed to start?!

Just took a personality test about "moody-ness" and big whoop, guess what, I'm pretty moody. The test says that my mood swings between 'exhausted' and 'uneasy'. here's a small portion of what it said (can't post up all of it due to copyright laws) : " At any given moment during the day, you're likely to feel reserved, pensive and withdrawn. Since you are sometimes uncertain about life and its quirks, you prefer to lay low rather than pursue activities. You experience about 7 times as many negative moods as you do positive moods. The way you perceive the events of your life can also play into the type and severity of the moods that you experience. Each of us has different internal beliefs about how life tends to unfold—whether you believe that it is dependent on your own actions or whether you think it is outside of your personal control. These internal perceptions can have a persistent and powerful affect on your mood state. For you, your

Sigh, my internet connection is so fucked up! There are times when it works fine and times when it is totally nonexistent! Frustrating! Posting blogs has become increasingly difficult Anyways, today, I ran into one of my old friends. It was indeed very refreshing to see him so different from when we were in Secondary School. I guess all of us have changed since then. I mean, I can’t exactly say that I’m the same person that I was seven months ago. We’ve all grown and explored the new world outside secondary school, and somehow, we’ve slipped into a daily routine, a comfort zone. Some of us are content with the small world that we have grown accustomed to. Me, not really, I haven’t exactly found my niche yet. I guess, I should be used to feeling that way. That in itself could be my niche. I am not really introverted or anything, it’s just that, well, I have become more serious since coming to Poly. I was what my friends would call an extrovert whom you would often find doing outrageous

I was walking home from school today (in the rain) and well, my cellphone's batteries died and that meant that I wouldn't be able to listen to music. I've never walked home without music! It was so strange because, without the earpieces, things seemed to look so much harsher and noisier. It wasn't as pleasant as it used to be. This made me realize that distractions actually help us get through day to day life. It softens things and makes living life more worthwhile. Distractions, a bad thing? I don't think so. Well, since words can mean many different things to many people, so here, in this context, distractions shall mean anything that takes the attention from your goals (yeah, yeah...I know it doesn't say that in the dictionary) In my opinion distractions are a necessary part of our lives and that it would be extremely difficult to avoid them. Okay, let me put it this way, distractions make us feel good, if they didn't we wouldn't be so much time dis

I know, I know... I should be studying for those quizzes, but I just don't feel like it! The weather's got me down. I feel like I just can't concentrate! Sigh. I'm glad though, that after the September holidays, I'll have a whole new set of subjects. No doubt, its going to be tougher but well, at least I'll get a chance to mix around with the other people in school. I still haven't found the loner-ish set of people that I always seem to gravitate towards when I enter a new school. Sure I'm no longer new! But I still feel out of place. Truthfully, I feel like a poser, a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. This is why I'm starting to regret not going to a Mass Communications course, where there seems to be more people like me. Hopefully though, I get the Freehand Drawing subject next term, so that, you know, things aren't so "structured" in other words, less of the textbooks and more of the other stuff. I'm so sick of this! At

Today was slow, I think it might have something to do with this strangely cool and gray weather. Yesterday was better. I am starting to get stressed. Sorry about the short sentences you guys, I just don't really have the energy. Anyways. Why am I stressed? Lets see, I have two tests tomorrow, one on Thursday and one on Friday. How can I not stress out! I don't think that I did all that well for the recent Math quiz also, I didn't know that we were supposed to have an Anatomy quiz today so, naturally I didn't study. Great huh? It's also getting weird, trying to interact with one of my classmates, there are awkward silences and just plain weird conversation. I don't know what the heck is going on. Weather there's just a difference in opinion between us or something, its strange. On to slightly more novel things, I got to see Jamie today. I don't know if I've mentioned her yet but she's one of my very few Filipino friends. Yesterday, I saw yet ano

My last blog entry consisted of a poem that I wrote last night, for some reason I was feeling kind of down. Its been ages since I've written a poem and it felt refreshing to get back to doing some sort of writing (I mean, I don't get much of that nowadays with a science based syllabus in school). Anyway, on to more light hearted things. Yesterday, I got a piercing . Don't worry, its just on my ear. Surprisingly, there was very little discomfort, only a bit of soreness when I cleaned it. Three down, and around six more to go. Sadly I don't think that I'll be able to get any facial piercings anytime soon, I mean, its much easier to hide your ears than your face. My parents would freak if they saw me with a pierced lip or eyebrow. Sometimes I think that they are more than just a little bit overprotective and well, in my opinion, I think that they overreact way too often. I wish I could get a tattoo, hmm... maybe when I turn twenty on February. I want something on my

I’d smile, but doing so would be lying. Truthfully, I feel like crying. Around me an invisibility curtain, Holding and hiding my secret burdens. Tears will refuse to ebb, I’ ve spent my days tangled in this web. Stuck in this awful daily grind, Its making me lose my mind. Despite my life being spic and span, I’m sick of doing less than what I can. Everything is so routine, A structured life can be sickeningly lean. I’m in need of something more, This rich life is strangely poor. I’m so confused. Myself I have lost, I’m living my life at what cost? Those whom I hold so dear, Became strangers and disappeared. In this world I feel alone, With no real place to call my home. To someone else I would morph, So that by you, I will not feel dwarfed. If need be I’d rebel, Convention I will repel. Struggles first must be seen, For this journey to have been Transforming And forming For me to see A

It was a gloomy day again today and it's been tough to stay awake during lectures, luckily I had the mind to bring along my sketch book so that I would be able to occupy myself with more pleasant thoughts. Anyway, here's one of my sketches (still under construction): After eating, I took a walk around school grounds, just to get away from the irritating buzz of the overcrowded common areas. I needed some fresh air and was relieved that the rain had ceased. Honestly, weaving through the crowds makes my skin crawl, not because I'm disgusted or anything. Its just that things are jostling around in my head that make me kinda antisocial. I was irritated to find the tiny corridor filled with people waiting for the lecture theatre to empty. I mean just take a look! I mean, this is what makes me appreciate wide open spaces! Anyways, I enjoyed my long walk home (around 1 km) Oh yeah, I had a nasty surprise today (if you know what I mean). Totally unexpected! Here's the slap-the-

The sky was gray and clouds hung heavy, threatening to release a heavy torrent. It was a gray day, and no one was in the mood to clown around. Looking around school, an observer would realize that smiles are hard to come by in this kind of weather. People just want to sleep. During one of our classes today, sniffles could be heard as people tried to do their work. I wanted to go home. Anyway, I got this cool retro looking watch. It was the last day of the sale so I reserved it yesterday. Costs 7 bucks, so it was pretty cheap. We had lab today and as usual, we finished practically last. We also had to redo some parts as somehow as luck would have it, something has gone awry. The house was quiet when I got there. Sigh. I can't believe that I just blogged about nothing!

I'm not feeling too high at the moment, in fact, I think that I'm in one of those roller coaster mood swings. For no apparent reason, I feel like crap. I am not very confident and I usually am. What is wrong with me?! Being alone with myself is a maddening thing. Wondering if the world will eat me alive, I wish tomorrow won't come. I feel as if I have NOTHING to look forward to and that scares me. Sheesh! getting this down in the written word makes me seem like such a drama queen.

Oh yeah, I watched Harry Potter yesterday. It wasn't as great as I thought it would be, frankly, the last movie was better. I liked it though, because its been the darkest of all of the movies. In this movie, Harry was portrayed as a more mature individual and well, I have to say that Daniel's acting has improved leaps and bounds since the first time we saw him. All of the characters seem more three dimensional now, well, except for the twins, Fred and George (I don't know their real names). They're hilarious! Rupert is cute! I'm glad that they made Cho the traitor ! Mwahaha ! Serves her right for kissing Harry! Anyway, there was a collective gasp form the teenage girls when the kissing scene came on, that was funny. The kiss was irky though.

School started late but I got there early. In my boredom, I went on a walk around campus. (Took this picture) I was basically loner-ing. Anyways, we had a Lab Test during the "Principals of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry" (PIPC for short) Lab session and to tell you the truth, I don't think that I fared too well. Sorry guys, today, I'm a woman of a few words. Sigh.

I'm gonna watch Harry Potter later! Hope this one's good. I'm not a really big fan of Daniel Radcliffe but well, what draws me to the movies is the magic behind it. I mean, what person doesn't want to think that there's some sort of magic in the world? People believe in God/s and miracles. People want to believe that there is fairness in the world and well, I guess the Harry Potter novels and many other non fiction books draw on that. Whether the protagonists are vampires, wizards or other supernatural beings fighting evil, people bite into them because it offers an alternate world where each being has some sort of destiny or purpose. At least that's why I dive into media in that genre.

I've done some thinking and well, I've come to the conclusion that I am ready to make certain sacrifices for my future. I would love to go no vacation on the term break but I want to do some things that might give me a head start in the future and it seems that it would be worthwhile to at least apply for a project during vacation time. Yesterday, I went for the launch for projects that we could participate in during the two month school holiday and this got me thinking, "What if I skipped going back home to the Philippines again to take part?" and then I asked myself, "Would I be able to take not going back?" then I decided, its not as if I'm throwing away my citizenship and anyway, there was a chance that I would not be chosen for the project, I'm not missing that much. Anyway, today, Nica and I made extremely sinful double fudge brownies! I've already eaten too much and well, it has made it even more difficult for me to cut down on my food in

You know what, some people are just like chemicals, you can get a reaction from them by mixing them together. I actually find it interesting to just people watch, that way, I get a little glimpse of what they're thinking and who can work with whom. People are surprisingly transparent and after a few minutes of watching them interact with each other you get a pretty good feel of what kind of person they are. I was people watching during the lab sessions today and well, I've come to see the usually invisible lines that people make for themselves (oil and water). There's this one dude in my class who is pretty much alone all the time and its obvious why, he seems a bit much sometimes. There are also some people in class who seem to be a bit too sensitive. Truth be told, I have a tendency to not take criticism too lightly. (kind of like when sodium is exposed to water) Lets just say that some opinions have been voiced out and some people are not happy with those opinions (Kaboo

Green Day, I'm not talking about the band. It's some event. Its earth day today if I'm not mistaken hence the Live Earth concert which raises money for a climate crisis. Anyway, yesterday, we, most of my schoolmates wore green for the cause. It was pretty cool, seeing a whole sea of green in the lecture theaters, unfortunately I wasn't able to snap a picture. Anyways I arrived at school pretty early and well, you wanna see what school looks like empty? Here's the bus stop in front of my school. Students are usually packed like sardines at around 5pm in a rush to get home. This picture is of me, a couple of friends there with me to snap this picture. Its pretty cool to see the lecture theatre before it gets filled with "eager" students. Today, my parents went to a birthday party and left me home alone...hehe. This gave me a rare opportunity to have a friend over, Jamie. She's pretty cool and we had a nice time. I learned that one of our friends wasn

Today's school day consisted of long lectures and I had to undergo the arduous task of trying to concentrate. If there had been a window in the lecture theater then I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one looking though it and wondering what lies beyond. I love what I'm studying because it is interesting, the only problem is that the way the professors (not all) present the information is quite dull. There is however one teacher that I am quite fond of. He teaches Human Anatomy and Physiology (HAP) and he has a certain way of putting things into terms that we find relatable and entertaining. Take for example, he used an umbrella to demonstrate how the valves in the heart work. I like it when professors take a creative approach to educating us students. It makes us more keen on learning more about the topic and shows their passion towards teaching us young people. It's nice to see someone who actually seems to love what their doing for a living. This gives me a sense of

School wasn't that bad today, it was actually quite fun. So here's what happened, after our first class, since we (my classmates and I, just in case you haven't figured that out yet ) had a two hour break, we decided to go to a fast food place at Tampines Central. I suggested that instead of our class splitting up into two groups, that we go out for lunch together, so we did. Some people were reluctant about coming lets just say that I heard a few complaints here and there , I mean, our class isn't exactly very united. Anyway, lunch went okay. Lets just say that there were all sorts of clique lines drawn all over. By some sort of miracle, we caught the bus in time and we weren't late for class! Two hours is not a long time when traveling in A PACK OF SEVENTEEN . The next lesson was lab, Biochemistry to be exact. It was pretty fun! We were fooling around in the lab and here are some of the pictures that I took: Tall? Scientific! Lab partners messing hands Depressed?

EMO . I'm not very fond of that term. What does it mean? Well, right now, at least here in Singapore, " EMO " has become some sort of fashion trend. You see a large increase in the number of people clad in black, stripey attire with tapered jeans (ooh and high cut Chuck Taylor Converse Shoes!!). You will see people in glasses with thick dark frames acting aloof. This just irritates me. People call themselves EMO but don't go through the motions that EMO people are supposed to go through. For crying out loud! EMOs don't roam in packs, they're supposed to be loners and well, EMO means "emotionally-driven hardcore punk" so EMOs brood a lot. EMO - ness is not a fashion statement so I am begging, please do not make it "trendy". EMO is a state of mind. EMOs are supposed to be outcasts to contemporary minds and is a term reserved only for the occasional emotionally disturbed rocker. Why am I fussing over a term used in pop culture? Wel

Living in such comfortable and a more-than-adequately-furnished house has made me feel like somehow, I've become quite a bit more superficial that I used to be. I have taken many things for granted and well I realize that whenever I go back to the Philippines. It's not that the facilities there are primitive because they are not, its just that things are less easily available or convenient. I am grateful for that though. If I had never gotten a glimpse of how other people lived, I would be less appreciative of things here. As the saying goes, "you don't know what you've got till its gone". I also miss some things from the Philippines, like the fiestas and parties. Filipinos do tend to party hard. I also miss my family and the way that Filipinos behave towards people in general, you know, Filipino hospitality. I can't exactly say that I've got the best of both worlds but it comes pretty close. Sigh, I'm home sick.

The day's been okay I guess, today we were supposed to wear stripey tops, just some sort of class thing. It wasn't really my idea but I passed the message around. Seems like they're (they being the school staff) have decided to put in certain measures just to get us (the students) to be more "disciplined". I think its mainly to do with the whole level not doing as well as last years' batch of students in the term test before the holidays. They've decided to give us more pop quizzes , more assignments and be more strict in general. There were plenty of groans from the cohort after this was announced but I'm not really that sad about it. I think I'm one of those people who like being pushed to better myself. Its kind of unfortunate though, I've discovered that I've just failed one subject, Biochemistry (16 out of 50! Horrible!). Typically, that's the subject I hate the most! Sigh. Hopefully I do well for the other subjects. We're goin