The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I hope it is merely the cyclical affliction that accompanies womanhood and nothing more serious. Maybe its also because I don't quite feel motivated to do anything. Even my usual propensity for hedonism seems to escape me. Again I have missed out on my promotion. I feel as if I am wasting away while I trying desperately to retain what mental faculties I do have by reading, and listening to podcasts/audiobooks. I don't think I am doing enough though. I can barely imagine living the rest of my life like this (with little challenge) but as of now, one day at a time is tolerable. Just do not think of tomorrow. Deal with the present whilst I build up my reserves. I feel indifferent, numb. I suppose its better than feeling miserable. It is what I need right now actually. I just need to continue doing what I'm doing till I find something that ignites my passion again. Lately it seems that certain interpersonal rela

Yes I love makeup. And perhaps I am vain - or at least highly particular about how I look. Is it because I'm insecure, to an extent I suppose. I was never the most feminine or prettiest amongst my peers and the way I was raised, it was important to be feminine. I grew up a bit of  a tomboy/bookworm. The constant moving around made me weary of making friends and for the longest time I felt awkward in my body. I felt it looked more boyish on the top and a bit too plump in the bottom. When I looked in the mirror I saw this round face that in my mind does not have an ounce of sex appeal. I guess playing with make up made me feel as if I was matching my insides to my outsides. It also felt like I could put on different personas, I could have a rocker chick vibe when I wanted or something less innocuous like just hiding the miserable pimple that was making my life hell. Makeup has become somewhat of a hobby for me. Its a fun form of self expression - just like choosing the clo

I came across an interesting idea recently while reading a book: Sapiens: A brief history of humankind. The book is about how we came to be from a biological and historical perspective. The part that interested me the most is the idea that the reason we have certain psychological yes psychological not physiological traits is because it has been evolutionarily selected from. We like sweets because in our hunter gatherer days it was useful to eat as many sweet things as possible because you could never be sure when the next meal could be and eating calorie rich foods were important to get early humans through harsher seasons where food was not abundant. We feel lonely because we have evolved to be social creatures. We seek members of the opposite gender (usually) because procreation has become enjoyable to ensure our evolutionary success. Individuals who enjoyed having sex were more likely to have offspring. We end up raising our offspring in familial groups because it was the m

I realize that I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. I forgive other people easily, but I seem to have difficulty coming to terms with my own mistakes. It is almost as if I expect more from myself than I do from other people, which is a ridiculous double standard because I am just another person as well. Maybe this is because of how I was brought up. I'm supposed to be proper and "better than those other people". Maybe my folks had some sort of superiority complex or something. LOL! I guess when you learn your morals, its a sort of "copy paste" mechanism when you just adopt what your parents tell you without questioning them because questioning these age old morals would be "disrespectful". I think I was going through this phase of pushing the boundaries and had to find out my own reasons of why wrong was wrong instead of trusting with blind faith what I was brought up to believe. I'm not a goddess. I'm not supposed to be pe

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is grief. It could be over the loss of a special familiarity with someone. Yes that person is still alive and around, available for you to talk to but things aren't the same. Conversations are the shadow of what they used to be. Initially its easy to pretend that things are going to be the same, but reality strikes when you realize that what is lost cannot be regained, that leaves you wanting for more. I feel this way about a lot of people. I feel grief over the people who are slowly losing function of their bodies. They are haunted by things they used to enjoy doing but now can only relive in their heads. Seeing people participate in the things he/she loves while feeling envious and nostalgic. Leaving them hoping for the discovery of a cure within their lifetimes. Life is cruel sometimes. It gives us something we don't know we wanted until it is taken away. I suppose we just take on the world with our new normal, and as

Its easy for me to get carried away sometimes, I am after all a hopeless romantic. Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that maybe, there is a chance that there is more than hedonism involved. I get carried away into thinking that I have managed to do more than hijack the pleasure systems in my brain and I am not just a mindless mouse pressing the pleasure button over and over again leading to my ultimate and eventual self destruction. A mouse may ignore food. My self esteem erodes away if I don't get the high I am used to - as the feedback loop breaks down. I hate that idea, but sometimes the highs and lows that come with talking to someone makes me feel that way. Inattention produces a low. Reciprocation produces a high. Maybe I am just a mouse. Maybe not. Is there anything wrong with being a mouse? I guess that depends in where you are in your life. I recently reread my open letter " Dear My Blank " and maybe being a mouse isn't such a good idea at the

I ran away to Penang on my birthday and it was just what I needed.   I met new people. Lots of backpackers who made me rethink how I should live my life. Many of them had quit their jobs to travel the world. Some worked side jobs as bartenders or at their hostels for free lodging. It opened my eyes to the possibilities. Life doesn't always have to me some member of an institution. I'm not saying that lifestyle is for me, especially not now, but I admire the bravery it took to drop the norm and just succumb to experiencing various cultures with a wealth of experience to gain.   You can have your cake and eat it too, otherwise what was the point?   Needless to say, if you follow me on social media, you would know that I had a blast.   It was refreashing and in stark contrast to my day to day life in the bowels of this institution. I met challenges in the form of a gruelling hike in Doc Martens and met relief when taken on a scenic boat ride to the pristine beache

In Greek mythology, people had double of everything. 4 hands, 4 legs, 2 faces, but Zeus was afraid of our coming into power so he split us in two, thus condemning us to a lifetime in search of our other half. The intimacy I crave cannot be fulfilled solely by passionate and tender intertwinings between the sheets.   I want a partner in every sense of the word, someone with whom I can share more than every inch of my flesh, but also the deepest innermost workings of my mind without fear of judgment or persecution. I want him to be able to do the same. I thirst for someone to bounce ideas off of, to help me understand the world better or at least how to make the most of it, someone with the same hungers and dreams, someone who feeds my soul. I'm supposed to get my ass out there to look for him or maybe even a her, but I can't bear it, at least not yet. So instead, here I sit in the isolation of my mind. Sometimes its peaceful and content, sometimes the other half is aching to

Life isn't a puzzle or an exam question that requires solving. Granted there are bits of it that require pure logic but most of the time, our lives consists of stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I fall into the trap of thinking that there was one thing... a single point in it in which the fracture originates. Life isn't an impact analysis of failure points upon failure points. Looking back on things and breaking them apart just to look through each of thr pieces again doesn't make you less prone to doing it again. It just hurts more as you relive each moment in painstaking detail searching for the one moment when it all went wrong.  With people, its never just one thing though. Its the amulgamation of many things. So stop reliving the bad, the good and the ugly. Just take new things as they are, bright and shiny - and something to learn from. Coming from me... man. This is a big deal. I always break things down. I am done

As the days pass by I learn to be more honest with myself, more forgiving. I am not as weak or feeble as I originally thought. Years ago I considered myself a strong and independent young woman. Now that I am more independent that ever, it seems my opinions about myself has changed. I am here to reclaim my former glory. The ability to put myself out there, and make myself vulnerable to others is not a weakness - it is a strength. I refuse to grow calluses on my heart simply because to do so would mean that I've lost all hope. I can't do that. There has to be hope, always, or else how can we all keep going? Weeks of partying and letting all hell break loose was just a way of procrastination, a way of putting my feelings on hold. Its easy to get stuck in a cycle of "what ifs", self pity and hatred. I'm making a choice to be done People make mistakes, it is my nature to be hard on myself. I am an idealist after all. The reality of the situation has dawn