The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

People rarely see me. People describe me as if I were some sort of mirage, hard to see and figure out... or so they tell me. Perhaps its because I like to keep the different aspects of my personality separate, compartmentalized so that when they do come out... they come out in full force and highly concentrated - so you don't see me. You only see parts of me at one time. I think its a defence mechanism. Perhaps, growing up, I realized that the more people know about me, the more power they had over me and the more capable they are of pushing my buttons. I didn't like getting my buttons pushed... So here I hide beneath my many sides.

Here I am once again, seesawing between emotions. There really must be something wrong with me. I don't know if anyone else notices. I absolutely abhor my situation. I despise that I feel powerless at this very moment. I know for a fact that I am not incapable. I am hindered by certain unwritten contractual agreements and I know that is not an excuse. There is no excuse. I want so badly to escape from my predicament and that is my cruel dilemma ... myself. I feel as if I am at the eye of a storm. Where everything is calm. I cringe at the thought that any moment I would be forced to submit to its tremendous winds. There and then, and only then, would I really be completely powerless ... not now. Now, I have a chance, a small one at that and that fact has stopped many people. Will I let it stop me? Life is indeed a slew of natural disasters. Now, more so in reality, rather than in the confines of my emotional mind. There was a tsunami, there was an earthquake, there was a flood. Eac...

Strange thoughts have been floating around in my head and I have to get them out of my system to remain in a functioning state, so here goes: Have I been preprogrammed to think a certain way? Possibly. Have I been taught how to think? I don't think anyone can be taught how to think. It just happens instinctively I think. What can be learnt is the content of our thoughts. Ideas and principles can be put into our heads and these ideas influence the way we see the world. I do say influence because I believe that we have the ability to choose which of these ideas to adopt, or even combine to form a "new" idea. New is in inverted commas because there is a theory that there is no such thing as a new idea and that ideas have been recycled and rehashed and combined with other ideas to seem new. I have yet to read more about this particular theory but well... this whole paragraph is used to basically acknowledge its existence. Anyways, back to thinking about thinking- hehehe , th...

I know I haven't been blogging lately. To tell you the truth, for a while, I didn't want to blog anymore. What I normally blog about is shallow and meaningless and for that I am ashamed. Indeed, blogging is a release for me. Its a way for me to get rid off all of the pent up frustrations I have about my life. I know I am complacent. My life is effing awesome. I know I don't love my life and that's stupid. I'm not making the most of what I have, and I truly believe that I have never made the most of the situation that I'm in. I feel unworthy to be so lucky. There are some people out there who could only dream about living my life, yet here I am complaining about how unfulfilling it is. I do not want to waste my life away when I could be living my dreams. There are many things that are wrong with the world around us and if we just opened our eyes to see what exactly is happening, maybe, someday, if the situation allows, we would be able to do something to right th...

About the "normal" thing some of you may have heard me babbling about. I guess you can say that I'm fairly upset at that word. I'll explain below: Normal in the dictionary means: Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. Serving to establish a standard. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment. free from any mental disorder; sane. Here goes- defining the context: The "normal" I'm talking about is not a physical status... but simply a "state of mind". So basically according to the definition above, if you conform to THE standard i.e. the norm , you are normal. Who decides what the standard is? Does that mean that if I don't conform to this given standard- I'm not normal? So, after a bunch of rhetorical questions I've come to the conclusion that normal does not exist. Society has put forth this standard of normal which is fairly ...

I know I haven't really been blogging lately and its because I am extremely moody. I'm basically waiting for my temprament to simmer down to the point that I know that I'm not overreacting. Many things have happened. The most important one, I will not mention because I think that I am bound to over react when it is brought up. Thursday- I fought with my mother. I changed my number temporarily and will post it up here as soon as I find out what my new number is. Sigh.... the home phone line got cut. Thank the gods that the internet services are still intact. How on earth do they expect me to survive like this!! I HATE BEING BROKE! Friday morning... my GMP group met up after a night of useless MSNing which only left me frustrated and made a dent in the GMP project workload. It was nuts! XJ is hillarious. We did a marathon of so called "project work". Dr V. met up with me, justto check up on things. She thought that I was going emo again. She was right, but I wasn...

Beware- this blog entry is a jumble of ideas and thoughts, you might get a headache trying to understand it. The Internet has really revolutionized the way people perceive the world and how we gather information. I am just amazed at how this thing- this network of people, ideas, experiences and facts gained influence in my life over the past 10 years. Believe it or not, I only learned how to use the Internet when I was 11 and I see children taking to it like ducks to water. I have this family friend, who has a 3 year old toddler by the name of Kristen. I was amazed at how Kirsten knew how to play online games almost instinctively. She'd ask me to go to the Disney website and she would take over from there- clicking the games link and playing the games- even before she knew how to read the instructions. It was beyond cool. YouTube.com is not just a website for entertainment- its a revolutionary tool that people use to express their ideas, peddle their wares and share their knowledge...

For the first time today, I've not restrained my thoughts from coming out of my mind entering the outside world. As a result I pissed people off. I have a fairly heavy duty filter installed in my head that prevents most of what I think from leaking out into the outside world and I have to say that, although I'm a fairly outspoken person, I say only about 10% of what I'm really thinking. If I'm close to someone however, they are privy to about- 70% of my thoughts and I expect no less in return.Writing or typing on the other hand, allows me to say another 10% of what's really in my head. This is probably why people like to read other peoples' blogs- for an insight to what's really going on in their heads. The thought of being out there is so terrifying to most of us though. All of our hidden intentions would be revealed, all of our secret thoughts and desires would be out for the whole world to hear. I would probably be a lot closer to my parents though if th...

I am so freaking emotional right now! Its so unlike me to be a useless throbbing bundle of girlyness ! I am melancholic because I miss everything there is to miss! I miss High School, Philippines, Hong Kong and all of the friends and family whom I haven't seen for ages. I don't know what's up with me! I think that the span of the holidays is just too long. I've been by myself for prolonged periods of time and I end up thinking too much and analyzing my past social relationships. Gosh, I swear. I even took the Jungian test that I took for psychology and my results changed from an ENTP and finally ENFP ! Note the change from T to F- Thinker to Feeler! Oh and most of you know how much of a hippy I am so I'm pretty upset that a large proportion of the population did not participate in Earth Hour. How hard is it to turn off a freaking light bulb? I don't want my future kids and grand kids to miss out on seeing snowy mountain peaks just because millions of people...

Dear readers, I have a curfew which you probably know about but here are the unspoken terms of engagement. I'm 21 and I have a ridiculous curfew- but only when I'm here in Singapore. You can safely assume that I'm pretty pissed about it. I'm basically supposed to be home before dark, which is around 7.30 or else my mum goes ballistic! I can't believe that they only enforce the curfew here in Singapore which is... theoretically one of the safer countries in the world. I can stay out pretty late in the Philippines and its much more dangerous to be out at night there. I'm not saying that I should have a curfew in the Philippines as well, I'm just trying to say that they, as parents, they could at least be consistent. Here's why I think I have a curfew. 1- My parent's don't trust me. I have no idea why they wouldn't trust me when all these years I've been trying to prove myself trustworthy. 2- They are insecure about how they raised me. Well....

I think I have a case of acute social impaired- ness . Sometimes I wonder why I'm so challenged in social intercourse, but then I think again and realize that somewhere along my learning curve, my social skills went one way and my speaking skills went the other- I know that sounds ridiculous because you don't often see one without the other. After all of these years, can you believe that I regularly offend my mother? My very own mother doesn't get me! My dad too, sometimes but not too often. If you've met me, you probably know that I am fairly comfortable in my own skin- maybe too comfortable. Some people find me cocky and rude but that can all be attributed to a generous sprinkling of self esteem- I was taught that, if I believed in myself- or at least acted as if I did, people will believe in me. The Asian culture values humility. See the clash? Asian families feel that elders deserve more respect hence since I treat everyone pretty much as an equal to me and, someon...

No one else I know is probably watching this Drama that I've been following but anyways, I'll just go ahead and talk about it. The Secret Life of the American Teenager sure seems like The Secret Life of a particular Filipino girl I know. I know that when you hear that sentence, some of you are going to assume its me... but I really and honestly so don't mean me. My dear cousin, aged 20 got pregnant (accidentally or carelessly enough) and just recently gave birth to a baby boy named "Keith". He's my nephew I guess, and the same exact thing is happening to the girl in the drama. I so need to talk to my cousin. I think she might be having a harder time than she's letting on and I want to help out in any way I can. We've been trying to get in touch since she got pregnant and well, let me just put it this way.... I haven't seen her in over a year. She wants me to be the kids' godmother. She's planning on getting married! My baby cousin, has her ...

When I was younger I thought I was going to be a writer. I was so interested in the way people reacted to situations, and how the reaction to that same situation changed when other people were in the room. I liked to step back from the socializing and watch how people interacted and try to deduce what the person was thinking. Of course I could never be sure what anybody is thinking. No one can, but I always wished that I knew the hidden agendas. I could only guess what people are thinking from the spindles of truth that dwindle down from subconscious thoughts into conscious action. The 15th episode of the 5 th season of House MD was epic. It talks about religion and truths and I just think that seeing House, an atheist, interact with a Priest, who has lost his faith, is just pretty darn cool! "Coincidences are God's way of staying anonymous." I wonder if there is any truth in that... of course, even if there was an absolute truth, no one has a way of finding it out. T...

According to Felicia's list there are around 66 Drugs to memorize for B Pharm. With a hesitant sense of triumph, I am able to identify 40 in the list. I could pass. I might pass, its going to be a close call. When I said, "identify", I just meant that if I was asked for the drug class, I'd probably belt out a 75% correct answer. That's not so bad eh? But if you asked me what the heck the drug is for, or its MOA, I probably have a 55% chance of getting it right. If you asked me to compare two drugs... well, I'd probably get 30% right, depending on the sub topic. Topics 4.2 and 4.3 are my best bet. I am so FREAKED OUT ! Its the 12th hour and I'm sweating bullets. I focused on topic 4, the rest... well, things aren't looking so good. If I could have a wish for my birthday, it would be to pass B Pharm without having to take the supplementary paper. The rest of the subjects, I think I can handle on my own, but for B Pharm, I think I need divine help. Pret...

Two awesome things happened today! I got pretty decent marks for the PIA quiz but.... The "highlight" of my day was the P Mic interview. Why? Because it was strangely surreal. Just imagine, five, year-two students in a little room with Dr AL. Everyone STARTED OFF fairly tense. The first questions were asked by Dr AL and there were a few nervous smiles and giggles. Dr AL actually said the words "answer or die" to S. After the first round of questioning it was S once again who was the victim. She kept forgetting the question and in mid sentence said "huh?" mouth hanging open at AL. AL found this terribly funny and tried to suppress a smile. AL tried to repeat his question but.... Apparently he had very little self control because a few moments later, his smile broke into melodious laughter. Seeing this, the other victims, myself, Fel, Nick and J lost our composure as well. To put it simply, the tiny space was filled with a cacophony of guffaws. With tears i...

I am sick. I am going to see the doctor later, when the sun rises. If I wasn't sick, today would have been pretty good. The retail group, plus Jo went to Vivo and checked out Charles and Keith. We took notes and everything. The sales assistants' reactions to what we were doing wasn't exactly pleasant. Then again, I barely saw them smile. Anyways, we went to lunch at a restaurant which name escapes me at the moment and after abusing the bottomless drink policy of the store we ran off to the...PLAYGROUND at the sky garden. Whoots! Then after much childish playing we had some "bonding" talking about anything and everything under the sun. Someone was a bit of a party pooper*. When I finally got home, I tried to revise my BPharm ~ there's a quiz on Friday. The imperative word in the above sentence would be tried. I did. I failed miserably. I was procrastinating so instead of hitting the books, I spotted my sketch book lying on my bed, beside it was my hot pink came...

B pharm presentation was today. Stress much! P mic lab was a busy event, with Jessy being the "victim" of AL's show. He wanted to make an example of her, sigh. Big deal, eating in class, who doesn't do it?! Anyways, I thought it was kind of nice of the guys trying to talk AL into lessening Jessy's burden. Unfortunately so didn't succeed. Anyways, as for Captain's ball: If you hit me, I will retaliate, whether its in an offhand way or not. I played Captain's ball with the team and it was allright. We won one and lost one. Someone, and annoying beyotchy someone jostled me around and was all man ~ as in CAVEMAN on me. I got pissed. I was like all sarcastic and blah and getting in her face. Captain's ball is a non contact sport so why the jostling and the pushing and being so rude?! I treated her like a human being, why couldn't she just be one?! Anyways, I swear, if she wasn't sort of friends with Jocelyn then I so would have gone commando on...

Watched twilight yesterday and was disapointed, got drunk and rode a motorcycle. Imagine, me, past midnight careening down the street at mindblowing speeds, half drunk and hanging on as a pinion rider without a helmet. I thought to myself, " I don't mind dying this way!" because, yes it was that fast and so much fun. Whoots! The only downside was the fact that someone had the cheek to ... erm grab me in a headlock and... give me a smack on the lips. Well it was weird and awkward! Majorly! The guy was practically like a bro to me. Sigh.

I am stressed. I am in need of de-stressing. I am moody and PMS-ing and I am freaked out about how many cockroaches there are in the store room! I would go in there to clean in out but I'm afraid that the roaches will attack me. I might even be feeling light headed from all of the Shieldtox that I've been using. I can proudly say that I've killed at least four tonight. I guess you could say that I'm taking out all of my frustration on vermin! 5 days till the start of term tests .- Kill me now! 8 days till the end of term tests! - I can't wait! 11 days till I leave Singapore .-Yay, coz I'm going out of the country. -Boo because I will have a lot of trouble doing the projects. 18 days till B Pharm project submission .-Who has time?! 21 days till Christmas! -Yay! 25 days till school starts .- Bummer Majoris. 28 days till new year! - Whoo! 81 days till I turn 21 -Pooh! Time is SHORT! We must make the most of every moment! *calculations of the # of days may not...

I am an idiot. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have said anything! I believe that if I have more information about something, I'll be able to make decisions better so I wanted to give him that information. I thought that maybe he could make wiser decisions, instead... I tried my best to explain, now, he's sad, hurt and angry . Now I'm irritated at myself. I feel guilty as hell. I think he misunderstood . I think he overreacted. I rhink he needs time to think this through. I only told him to be a good friend. I told him because I thought it was in his best interests to know. I would want to know! Apparently it wasn't in his best interests. I think he's making the wrong choice , but what can I do? I can't kidnap him and force him to do what I want. He needs to calm down. The whole group needs to have a talk to get all the issues out in the open. I need to get high, because when you're this low, there's no where else to go but up. Right?!