Posts

Unaffliction

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I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I hope it is merely the cyclical affliction that accompanies womanhood and nothing more serious. Maybe its also because I don't quite feel motivated to do anything. Even my usual propensity for hedonism seems to escape me.


Again I have missed out on my promotion. I feel as if I am wasting away while I trying desperately to retain what mental faculties I do have by reading, and listening to podcasts/audiobooks. I don't think I am doing enough though. I can barely imagine living the rest of my life like this (with little challenge) but as of now, one day at a time is tolerable. Just do not think of tomorrow. Deal with the present whilst I build up my reserves.



I feel indifferent, numb. I suppose its better than feeling miserable. It is what I need right now actually. I just need to continue doing what I'm doing till I find something that ignites my passion again.

Lately it seems that certain interpersonal relationships have fa…

The confessions of a makeup junkie

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Yes I love makeup. And perhaps I am vain - or at least highly particular about how I look. Is it because I'm insecure, to an extent I suppose. I was never the most feminine or prettiest amongst my peers and the way I was raised, it was important to be feminine.


I grew up a bit of  a tomboy/bookworm. The constant moving around made me weary of making friends and for the longest time I felt awkward in my body. I felt it looked more boyish on the top and a bit too plump in the bottom. When I looked in the mirror I saw this round face that in my mind does not have an ounce of sex appeal.


I guess playing with make up made me feel as if I was matching my insides to my outsides. It also felt like I could put on different personas, I could have a rocker chick vibe when I wanted or something less innocuous like just hiding the miserable pimple that was making my life hell.


Makeup has become somewhat of a hobby for me. Its a fun form of self expression - just like choosing the clothes y…

The idea of Zen

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I came across an interesting idea recently while reading a book: Sapiens: A brief history of humankind.


The book is about how we came to be from a biological and historical perspective. The part that interested me the most is the idea that the reason we have certain psychological yes psychological not physiological traits is because it has been evolutionarily selected from. We like sweets because in our hunter gatherer days it was useful to eat as many sweet things as possible because you could never be sure when the next meal could be and eating calorie rich foods were important to get early humans through harsher seasons where food was not abundant.


We feel lonely because we have evolved to be social creatures. We seek members of the opposite gender (usually) because procreation has become enjoyable to ensure our evolutionary success. Individuals who enjoyed having sex were more likely to have offspring. We end up raising our offspring in familial groups because it was the most succ…

Double standards?

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I realize that I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. I forgive other people easily, but I seem to have difficulty coming to terms with my own mistakes. It is almost as if I expect more from myself than I do from other people, which is a ridiculous double standard because I am just another person as well.

Maybe this is because of how I was brought up. I'm supposed to be proper and "better than those other people". Maybe my folks had some sort of superiority complex or something. LOL! I guess when you learn your morals, its a sort of "copy paste" mechanism when you just adopt what your parents tell you without questioning them because questioning these age old morals would be "disrespectful".

I think I was going through this phase of pushing the boundaries and had to find out my own reasons of why wrong was wrong instead of trusting with blind faith what I was brought up to believe.

I'm not a goddess. I'm not supposed to be perfect…

One day at a time.

I'm done dealing with hypotheticals, what should, could and would happen. It doesn't really matter because hypotheticals are not what I have to deal with on a day to day basis.

I have to deal with reality. As sucky as I claim my life is, I'm sure I have  a lot of things to be grateful for.

I can't help but feel down though. I don't quite understand what is going on within me. I feel like life isn't fair, but I've known that for the longest time. Logically, this melancholy doesn't make sense. I can do a few things to help myself. So here it is. For myself as well as all of you who may be feeling the same way.

Long sunset/sunrise walks or bike rides
Exercise
Hanging out with friends
Making new friends
Hyper focusing on a project or projects
Listening to music (not Grunge or Emo)
Making music
Playing games
Cooking
Learning something new
Traveling

I can't say I love my life right now, but there is a lot of potential there. I just have to learn to unlo…

Stained

I feel like I want a fresh start, a clean slate. Each experience I have feels etched into my skin and I feel like as hard as I try to scrub it off, my skin is stained. Never to be clean again. I scrape against my skin leaving more marks than before. Uglier.

I want a do over. I no longer want to be the person that I am. I feel dirty. I feel like I am worth less that I used to and that doesn't feel very good.

Granted the vacation has renewed me to an extent. It has erased fatigue and awoken in me a desire to be somewhere else. It is silly to want escape. It is impractical, but I just don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be me anymore. There has to be more for me.

Grieving for the living

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is grief.

It could be over the loss of a special familiarity with someone. Yes that person is still alive and around, available for you to talk to but things aren't the same. Conversations are the shadow of what they used to be. Initially its easy to pretend that things are going to be the same, but reality strikes when you realize that what is lost cannot be regained, that leaves you wanting for more. I feel this way about a lot of people.

I feel grief over the people who are slowly losing function of their bodies. They are haunted by things they used to enjoy doing but now can only relive in their heads. Seeing people participate in the things he/she loves while feeling envious and nostalgic. Leaving them hoping for the discovery of a cure within their lifetimes.

Life is cruel sometimes. It gives us something we don't know we wanted until it is taken away.

I suppose we just take on the world with our new normal, and as time…

Reprieve

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I've never been good with words, I always seem to have to rewrite things because things never come out quite right. You can't do that in a conversation and that's one reason phone calls are especially frightening. I'm not here to talk about phone calls though. Firstly I want to say thank you to my friends who have constantly told me to say what I mean instead of alluding to it. Speaking about my thoughts has always been easier than speaking about emotions so as a rule, I try not to...because no one does. No one ever speaks about how they feel, at least in this day and age. We're left guessing what the other person is thinking. Dating is terribly difficult because neither wants to be the loser - as if its some sort of macabre game with emotions and esteem at stake. That said being able to express myself feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I feel like I can breathe again. Its funny how small conversations can change perceptions. Your advice has wor…

4 Lines

I cried in the shower today because of a little poem I read, right as I woke up. Its on @milliemoonhouse's Instagram.  At first I didn't know why I was crying then I gave it some more thought.

"I fall in love, I fall to my knees, I'll love you more if you catch me, I'll still love you more if you change your mind."
I don't know who wrote it.

Its like taking that leap of faith. Its about acknowledging that vulnerability and possibility that you won't stop loving that person even after your chance is through and he or she has changed his mind.

The prospect is utterly sweet but immensely frightening.

Maybe I'm projecting, but hey, the brain works in mysterious ways. It makes me sad. I see it as a tragedy of unrequited love coupled with the inability to move on beyond it, but of course, that is only if the poem's protagonist changes his/her mind. It is a completely different story if he/she doesn't.

See how the little things affect me! Gosh I …

Mouse

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Its easy for me to get carried away sometimes, I am after all a hopeless romantic.

Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that maybe, there is a chance that there is more than hedonism involved. I get carried away into thinking that I have managed to do more than hijack the pleasure systems in my brain and I am not just a mindless mouse pressing the pleasure button over and over again leading to my ultimate and eventual self destruction. A mouse may ignore food. My self esteem erodes away if I don't get the high I am used to - as the feedback loop breaks down.

I hate that idea, but sometimes the highs and lows that come with talking to someone makes me feel that way. Inattention produces a low. Reciprocation produces a high.

Maybe I am just a mouse. Maybe not. Is there anything wrong with being a mouse? I guess that depends in where you are in your life. I recently reread my open letter "Dear My Blank" and maybe being a mouse isn't such a good idea at the moment…