The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

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If I passed on, I wonder what people would say about me. Would they say that I was brash and difficult to understand? Would any of my acquaintances actually say something about me that was even a modicum close to how I see myself? I hope so. I hope that somehow, my actions do my intentions justice, because after all, seeing a person for who they are is never as simple as it seems. That's why I only have a handful of good friends who get me. Some of you may wonder why I've been contemplating the effects of death on my social life, or rather the effects of my social life on the events of my completely hypothetical suicide. Well the truth is that it recently dawned on me that if I were definitely committed to committing suicide, I more that the majority of people would have access to substances which could definitely aid me in crossing the threshold. In addition to that realization, hypothetically, if I were to go ahead and kill myself in my room, I gather that it would probably t

So bloody sweet!

Eeep! He thinks I'm smart! Yes I am grinning from ear to ear. Granted, I know I am, but it's so nice to hear that someone noticed. Ah, so this is what it feels like to be on cloud nine. Yes. I have a crush, but I'm crushed that we won't be seeing each other for a while. I'll go ahead and leave that cryptic. No names, no clues. After all, a blog is a public domain. Who knows who's toes I might be stepping on. ANYWAYS, I haven't touched this space for ages. I'm sorry to whoever visits this page only to find yet again that I haven't updated my blog - that is, if I have any readers at all. :P Well, in case I do have readers, I'll go on to bore you with the most exciting thing that has happened to me yet. Oh who am I kidding. Nothing exciting has happened to me except well... I started school, and you already know that. But what you didn't know is that I'm not schooling anymore! Oh and I'm not that depressed anymore. Yes, the whole schooli

Just end this already. I am miserable. Gone were the days when all I had to care for was the next school deadline. Now... I have to worry about how many hours of sleep I get a day, where and when I am going to eat my next meal and how on earth I'm going to get to class each day - if and when I have work on the same day and time. I have to worry about what excuse I'm going to give my friends to let them down easy for not being able to go out with them. It is not due to the lack of desire to meet up... But ultimately it all boils down to my being stretched out to thin. There are only so many hours in a day and I require a fixed amount of sleep. I am so utterly frustrated that I can't do everything. I feel so incapable, so meek. I expected more from myself. I thought my life would take off from the moment I got employed, and accelerate even more when I started school, but it seems like all this is keeping me from living. I feel as if I'm slowly slipping out of existan

I've been sick for the past few days and to tell you the truth, for some part, I am enjoying it. Yes, the aches and pains and the heaving is barely bearable but there is a good side to it. I get a little time off work, which I needed so desperately to recover.This whole balancing school and work thing is more difficult than I thought. I really feel it taking a toll on my health, mental as well as physical.I've been much more forgetful lately and on two occasions I had absentmindedly left my laptop - one of my most cherished belongings.The first time, I had left it in a toilet cubicle and the girl who had gone in after me tried to steal it. Here's what happened: As soon as I remembered that I had left the laptop in the cubicle - which was right about the time that I was washing my hands, I just hung around outside her cubicle waiting for her to come out. After what seemed like a ridiculous amount of waiting, she came out of the cubicle. She passed me and went to wash her han

I'm schooling. I just grabbed a delicious breakfast at one of the most exotic local food courts, after work. I live in one of the most culturally diverse countries in asia. Life is beautiful. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I know that I said that I'm sick of playing games but sometimes it is just neccessary for survival. Oh well... The two of them want to play games, so I'll let them. I just hope that they know that I'm not the type to just take it just like that. I reciprocate tenfold. Let the mind games begin. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I think that my parents are separating. I can't say that this comes as a shock to me. It really doesn't. I have said this many times before and I will say this again... All I want is for both of them to be happy. I hate that they make each other miserable... I can understand both sides though. I just didn't realize that it would suck so much. I mean how could the two people that I love the most in the entire planet make each other so miserable? I don't blame myself. I blame both of them. They're both so blind. Like... I can se how my Mum's snippy-ness and nagging can bring someone like my Dad to the edge of their sanity... And I can see how my Dad's lies and broken promises could crush my Mum's esteem. That added on with the fact that she's a smart woman trapped at home as a housewife could drive her bonkers. I just feel really miserable right now. I wish that I could help them resolve their issues. Too bad they think that its better to &

I know I don't look it but I really am a big Eminem fan. I always have been, from the time when I was a teenager who dressed in over-sized clothing and suffering from a severe form of teen angst till... well now. Em has pretty much disappeared for a few years, just doing a few collaborations here and there - till he released Recovery last year, and now the Bad meets Evil EP . Out of nowhere, my adoration for this hip hop machine was rekindled by the song Lighters. I was surprised that Em was doing something with Royce Da 5'9. Why was I surprised ? Well, because I know about the D12 and Royce beef. Glad they worked it out. Anyways, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't freaking ecstatic that one of... if not my favorite artist is back in the airwaves. Be it with a few lyrics bleeped out. I don't know what it is about Marshall Mathers that drives me to the verge of obsession. Maybe because his lyrics are sometimes so cryptic - or double entendres that I just end

Is contemplating the rammifications of uttering what could be two of the most satifying words I might ever utter in my career. "I Quit!"

To those who let me ride the monster of a roller coaster alone: Go ahead! Stay in your comfort zone. One day you'll realize that you've spent your whole life in that zone and at the end of it all you would have spent a lifetime with a life not fully lived. What a waste, then again, it's your life and not mine, so frankly I don't give a damn.

Hanging with the girls and talking about boyfriends, boys in general and all those other girl things was refreshing. I figure we should do that more often. Hang out in smaller crowds more frequently. I loved being able to hear what was being talked about. I love that I can jump in the conversation when I want to and I love that I know whats going on... because this time round there's only one conversation going on at one time. It was the perfect timing for some much needed bonding. Sigh... See you soon my lovely ladies.

From what happened today, I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact immensely as straight laced as they come. This week I've gone out every other night. I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I didn't even try to lose myself. I was barely drunk. I realize that the gatherings I still enjoy the most are the quiet but intense ones surrounded by my most intimate of friends. Granted, I love to dance and flail around like a freak show, but then again that's just probably just due to the fact that I love to perform. I miss those intimate drinking sessions where you can actually hear yourself slurr over topics that really matter to you. That is so much more ideal compared to the inadvertently mind numming club chitchat about who's hot and who's getting drinks for the slutty girl in the corner. Clubs are just so sexual. Its fine for the occasional perk but to pick it up as a constant hangout is just both exhausting and depressing beca

Warning: Some individuals may think that questioning their faith in hazardous to their spiritual wellbeing. If you are one of these individuals, you might not want to read the following. Faith, what is it worth? Faith is neither good nor bad. It is simply blind, and blind actions driven by blind faith are far less successful in imparting the symbolic meaning behind the rituals to their practitioners. If you practice something blindly, you become a puppet of tradition. Going through the motions without knowing or wanting to know the significance behind them. Blind faith stems from a satisfied attitude. An attitude that is perfectly fine with things remaining a mystery. When origins of practices remain mysterious, the meaning behind them is lost because the actions are taken away from the context. Although the idea of Faith itself is imperfect, it is a tool. Faith is internal application. Essentially, it doesn't make the world a better place, but it has the potential to make you a b

My paradise. I have come to the conclusion that I definitely have a pattern when it comes to the kind of guys I like. I'm still reeling from my whirlwind of a summer vacation. However unfortunately there was no great summer romance. There was however a tearful moment when my uncle and aunt renewed their vows. Top: This is the picture taken on the couple's wedding 30 years ago. My dad's 3rd from the left on the top row. Bott0m: Here's a recent picture of the happy couple. Anyways so I'm not going into the details because well... It was in fact a family vacation and I'm not exactly keen on my family finding out who it was that I fancied. Yes my friends - I said it, or rather wrote it. I had a crush. It still gives me chills when I think about it. - Ick. It all started on the boat trip to paradise. I noticed him. He noticed me. We weren't formally introduced by our common aquaitances. Here's a picture of paradise aka our backyard. Later that day, we met aga

Good Morning world! In case you're wondering what I'm doing blogging bright and early when the sun is shining - well, the fact is I'm still out from night shift. I'm having a wonderful but grossly overpriced sandwich from Starbucks as my supper. Since I started my shifting, I've been counting my meals relative to the time I woke up and since I woke up at 7pm yesterday (8am for normal people)... this would be considered supper. I have come to the realization that I am excited to go back to the Philippines, not just for my Aunt's wedding anniversary but also my reunion with my friends back there. Its really strange to look to the future especially now that I feel like I can never hold down my dream job in the Philippines simply because there is practically no demand for it. At least not now. I'm thinking of working in maybe US, Canada or even maybe Switzerland. There is this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'll try to describe it as best I can

The pursuit of getting a higher education has - as it should, gotten me thinking. It got me thinking particularly about my future. See education has a funny way of doing that. It is one of the few ways that we can prepare for the future. It is somewhat like stocking up on canned goods just in case a natural disaster suddenly causes a food shortage. The only difference is that when it comes to education, you don't know exactly what type of information you are going to need in the future. You don't even know for sure that what ever it is that you are educating yourself on would even be relevant in the future. For all we know because of how fast technology is moving, certain jobs could be near obsolete when I turn 30 or even 25. I was just thinking - while passing by a friend's blog. I was wondering where I'll be in say 10 to 20 years time. I mean, it has dawned on me that I am now 23 years old and my biological clock is ticking. After all, high risk pregnancies start at

So many things nowadays are printed out. So few things are handwritten. The art of writing, or handwriting in particular is fast disappearing. The digital age has made it so easy to just tap words into a computer. I find that typing text in to a computer removes some of the art of writing. I mean... the writing becomes soft and easily edit-able. Picture this... you're writing a paragraph in pen on a piece of paper. All your thoughts are recorded... even the ones that you would normally omit from the final written piece. See when you write on paper, if you write something and then later change it, chances are you'll just cross out that portion of text and continue on writing, leaving that portion of text still readable. - I just think that aspect of it is so honest. In addition, the manner in which you write the material is visible. If more emotion goes into that writing, the pressure on the pen would be more. If something is rushed, spelling errors occur, the words will hardly

I know I haven't really touched this space for a while but that's only because I've been busy living my life or rather working my life away. Lately I've been obsessed with changing the way I dress. Yes people. No more T-Shirts... unless of course I believe that that shirt is effing awesome. Anyways, I've been having some trouble looking my age... see I really like graphic retro things, but for some reason, they either make me look too old or too young. See wearing vintage inspired things is easy for the petite, because the petite are somehow presumed to be young - so them dressing up in Mum's old clothes actually looks cool. Alas, I am anything but petite so trying on my Mum's old clothes just makes me look dowdy. If I get pret a porter clothes that are vintage inspired though... they either don't fit right or look to damn kiddy when I wear them. Sigh, and so the predicament continues. Ahh ... how to match the inside with the outside. Anyways, on to mo

I have been called many names before and some of them have been in the likes of "know-it-all", "show off" and "smart alec". That is why I consistently find myself in what I call "foot-in-mouth" moments when I speak up about something which I at that time had inadequate information about. For that I apologize. I am not a know it all. It just so happens that I am outspoken and perhaps a little bit too inafraid of being wrong. The truth is I normally say whats on my mind because I feel that somehow, maybe that little nugget of information I blurt out may be useful to someone. And... Well I think that sometimes talking about things properly or directly with other people is a much more upright thing to do rather than gossip or listen to heresay. Especially when it comes to resolving conflicts. I don't claim to know it all... Im not even sure if I even want to be one. So even if I blurt out the awkwardest things, please understand, its

I love RSA org. because they illustrate their discussions so well that it becomes entertaining and not so much a chore to watch or listen to. Anyways, I don't know if you know but I have this fascination for language and how it affects our perception, attitudes and understanding of things and that is one reason why I particularly like this video which explains the difference between the impact of what is said explicitly versus something which is just vaguely implied. Its an awesome channel! Subscribed.

The Black Swan Poster. Yesterday - or er... the day before yesterday was interesting. Joanne, Felicia, Hamidah and I met up. We watched Black Swan. It was okay I guess. There was no real plot to it as far as I saw it. The movie showed a glimpse into the mind of well... I guess she was a schizophrenic . I just thought that one particular scene was especially stupid. It just so happened that that scene was a key scene in the movie. A turning point of sorts. Spoiler alert - so if you are planning to watch the movie, turn away now. - LOL So here goes Natalie Portman after she's danced the role of the black swan, thinking that she's killed Mila Kunis . She hears a knock on the door. There stood outside her door a very much alive Mila . In shock, Natalie removes the towel on the floor in front of the bathroom (where she stashed Mila's body - she used that towel to soak up the blood pool left by the supposedly dead Mila ) There was no blood. She opens the bathroom door to find

No dearies, my blog has not died despite my many weeks of silence. It seems that I only blog when a thought stubbornly lingers in my mind, making me feel like I am in need of therapy. There are two things I want to talk about today. One is that I feel all sorts of alone. It all started when Chee and Jessic fly off to never never land and I rarely hear from them. Next, my housemate, Nica also goes to the land down under, then, my best friend boards a plane to the land of entertainment, Los Angeles and only after a few days, my folks, dear Momma Bear and Papa Bear fly off to Florida. It seems that with each passing day, people just happen to pop out of my daily life. There are less people to call when I get in trouble, bored or just in need of company. Bummer right? Yep. The strangest thing about it is the fact that these people have flown to places where I want to be. It seems like the wanderlust within me has been kindled. Maybe I should go away for my birthday in an adventure to.