The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

I don't know if you've noticed but I feel like my latest blog entries lack conviction and resonate with a certain hollowness and superficiality. Perhaps my muse has fluttered to another individual in even more desperate need of inspiration. The darkness creeps in from time to time. Sometimes the will to feel something than utter neutrality washes over me. Where has that passion and fervor gone? My life has become nothing more than soulless fluff filled with the simple pleasantries of daily life. Its sad to think that some people would be utterly satisfied with living my life but here I am, longing for something more... something immaterial - I don't even know what that is, all I know is ... I'm thirsty for life.

Christmas again. Well thank the gods that I'm not particularly in the mood for some celebrating because if I was, then I think melancholy and suicidal thoughts would have creeped into my consciousness . Thank you very much for making me a non believer. Christmas was not a total bummer. Sure it wasn't the warm, gooey family filled Christmas that my relatives have recently taken to, but hey, it was actually fun! My newly acquired colleagues are a pleasure and even a treat to be around. Perhaps that's because I feel like they are going through the same things that I am. I mean this season I am away from my family and pining for them, and so are my fellow OFW friends. Together in misery? Not really. I don't mind being with them when the clock struck 12 and even after my working hours, I stayed within the premises. They're all so sweet. <3 Emergency Pharmacy's Christmas Party ...and yes... I was wearing a dress.

I have become rather absorbed by this book entitled The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde. It has everything I would like in a book. Some romance, some murder (or so I've heard... I haven't gotten to that part yet) and best of all some pretty interesting ideas. As most of you are well aware, I have this fascination with the idea of hedonism, and complete and utter selfishness, particularly because everyone is "secretly" hedonistic and selfish. We all have these thoughts in the back of our heads (or at least I do) and we simply just refuse or perhaps rationalize not going through those selfish actions. Here we have a character... Dorian Gray who lived absolutely isolated from the real world, pure and well... unspoiled by anything. Suddenly he was exposed (by Henry) to certain hedonistic schools of thought that leave him completely uninhibited by societal rules... blah blah blah and lives life fulfilling his "evil" id. Then we have this Lord Henry who love

I know two blog entries is a rare occurrence here in Rowan-land, but well... I thought the previous entry. OK ... I know this happened practically a week ago...but I feel the need to declare my love for the following people: Next, I need to get this off my chest... I am so glad that I can finally have my room back. Late shifts are really difficult to do especially when you don't get enough sleep ( or when you're practically living in someone else's room). I love my family to bits but well... they can get on my nerves sometimes. See, a group of relatives came down to visit / holiday. They outnumbered us and lived for 3 whole days in my room. The little things bothered me and nagged at me. I am an only child and I'm quite used to being by myself most of the time so I have grown accustomed to liking things the way I've made them to be. I guess you could say that I get pretty territorial. Anyways, when they left for the Philippines, they took mum with them. Its strang

WARNING: Prepare for vapid and shallow girl talk. - Don't judge. You have vapid and shallow thoughts too. Its strange how talking to a Average Asian Joe lookalike with an deep voice and an American accent AND perfect grammar gets me all hot and bothered. He just seems more intelligent? What is it with that accent? When an girl has it...It just sounds vain and pretentious, but when an ASIAN guy has it, he becomes slightly more sigh-worthy. - And yes ladies... I am rather well aware that I just dissed my own manner of speaking, but I do believe that it is true, hence all of the stereotyping that goes into well... judging me. I just thought I'd mention that since that particular thought occupied my mind for at least 20 minutes today, and I was hoping that some of you may feel the same way too. The anecdote. I was dispensing to this well... average Joe as I had put it earlier, and as I explained his child's medication, I was mesmerized by is eloquence . He didn't just say

I got sick, more specifically, I caught a cold coupled with some phlegm and a little difficulty breathing. Thank the gods that it was really a blessing in disguise. I took 2 days of MC and on the 2nd day, we, my new roomate, Nica's brothers, Nica and I all went to universal studios together just for kicks. Taadaa! The Gang! Free Popcorn?! I WANT!!! Manilyn?? Nah. Locked Out. Where's the TRAIN? Its HUGE! Hanging out in Egypt. I so wish... It was fun. The Highlight of the day was definitely the last ride of the day on the mummy. There were only 8 people on the coaster and the Park was about to close. Awesome. So worth suffering through the runny nose. So worth the 2 day MC. Anyways, the Mario or shall I say, Manalo Brothers are now out of town and so is my Roomate of about 2 months. Life is much quieter and well...much "boring-er" as well. Sigh.

Adults and children are not that different from each other after all. Working at a Women's and Children's Hospital does have its perks and demerits. Sure, maybe working there won't get me my Prince Charming but hey, it can get inetresting sometimes. I'm actually rather pleased about my work nowadays. I think I've made some pretty good friends along the way. I even managed to get myself invited in one of my coleagues' hen party. It was fun, having a girls night out on the town, and partying till the club closed down. Its nice to have some filipino friends for a change. The salary isn't bad either. If I work hard I can probably get about 2,300 + per month. I hope that means that I can save faster, so I can go to school sooner. Oh and on a side note... I have more disposable income and can splurge on myself and my loved ones. I actually purchased a knee length dress recently - and oh its not one of those casual, boyish, I'm-just-wearing-a-dress-but-i'm-

I was browsing THE lookbook I came across this picture. went... hang on... that looks good... and I have that top! Then it struck me... I constantly seem to dress like the applied science school bum that I once was. I need to get a more grown up wardrobe. Now, here I am on an unwavering qwest to makeover my wardrobe. I am on the prowl for clothes that a twenty something with a proper job should have, so here I go guys... a brand new me coming to you shortly... guaranteed to look less teenager-ey with every payday. Oh and I'm sorry for my sudden and uncharacteristic burst of girlyness... I find that there are just some times that I can't hold it in. :P

The birthday girl and I met up last Saturday, and I gave her the greatest gift that we could both appreciate... a free lunch! LOL, we agreed to meet up at Bugis with no particular food destination in mind, so typically, we decided to let our stomach decide where we should eat. We passed by the restaurants and one in particular made my mouth water. I turned to Adrianna and said, "I think this is it," and so it was. There was this strange feeling. Everything was familiar and nostalgic, yet completely new and uncharted. Its nice knowing someone for so long, not seeing them for about 3 years and finally reconnecting again - stronger than ever. It made me realize how far we've come and how much we've actually grown up. Sure, we've changed loads but we still maintained our personalities. It makes for a much more interesting conversation as compared to those we had ages ago... back when we were all emo and dramatic. Now we have jobs and a whole load of new problems to f

I keep finding myself in these situations and I always end up hating it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am lucky to have a job, but really, I know that this isn't the job for me. I don't actually hate the job itself, I hate the nature of it... that it becomes so menial and routine and the human interactions that come along with it are often negative or neutral. Although there are some times where I can make the nurses at the triage smile, or perhaps have a nice little chat with my colleagues, customers or shop keepers - I'm still left with this emptiness. Here I am once again seemingly stuck in a hopeless cycle that robs you of your soul and passion. I work, and let me tell you something about this kind of work. Its the kind of work that drains the energy from within your veins. It offers the much awaited monthly salary and the occasional moment of serendipity when you witness one of life's precious moments unfolding before you. Well it is a hospital, and that's

A couple of days ago someone TRIED to jerk me into "REALITY?!?" about my weight. I rolled my eyes - behind closed lids and thought to myself, reality is so subjective. I don't know if you've heard this before but for some reason, this phrase has come up quite a bit throughout the duration of my life. "You would look so much better if you were just a bit skinnier" Although I know that I'd be better off lighter - with regards to my weight I know for a fact that weight watching will be a very inconvenient thing, not to mention a rather emotional one. Besides, I'm young. I think my body can deal with my high calorie intake for now. Here's my thought on weight. As far as I am concerned, I could care less what the scale says about me. At the moment, I can freely eat what I want to eat, and do what I want to do guilt free - perhaps it can be seen as a fairly hedonistic approach to life but lets face it, food makes me happy and worrying about my weight d

I have always loved the movie Shutter Island since the day I saw it. It reminded me of a somewhat more action packed version of one of my favorite movies (which I've only watched once by the way), The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and also a bit of Girl Interrupted. All of which have the reccuring theme that reality is malleable depending on the mind which percieves it. Shutter Island mainly put forth the idea that the qualifiers pertaining to differentiating the sane from the insane are extremely subjective. Which brings about a disturbing notion. The idea is that if something which is treated as a clinical illness is so subject to human error and perception - how can we be sure that it is indeed a legitimate illness after all? Can we? Ahhh just watch the damned movies. For some reason, I really have a thing for movies that mind fuck. Yep, and Inception did just that. It scrambled my mind. The same way that Shutter Island did. Both left you with your own conclusion of what

Pour le premiere fois dans ma vie, I received my paycheck. It felt awesome to see that my bank balance was well above the required maintenance balance ($500) and hence, for the first time since I turned 22, I would be free from the $2 fine each month which would normally whittle down my bank balance even more. Its a rather strange feeling. Everything I've worked for has been towards avoiding the dreaded office cubicle, yet here I am locked in a different kind of box. Sure the box is filled with psychotropic drugs which I am not allowed to procure amongst others but it is a very small box nonetheless. I kind of feel like the job is a slightly more complicated version of what a Mc Donalds Employee is tasked to do, see, we receive the order (prescription in this case), we fill and pack the order, we double check and then finally we dispense. Very Mc Donald-y. Ok fine! I guess I AM exaggerating . It is much more complicated than that. Sigh, I'm just panicky when t

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce to you that I have indeed aquired a job thanks to my lovely friend Joanne! Please note that I may be overly excited because of the fact that I survived my first interview to get my first ever job in the history of my existence. Now I didn't exactly want to blog about this till it was 100% official and that only became so on Monday the 13th. After which I was rendered incapable of blogging for the rest of the week on account of exhaustion. Anyways, details details! I am now working as a Pharmaceutical Technician within the walls of Kandang Kerbau Women's and Children's Hospital or more commonly known as KKH in the Out-Patient Pharmacy. The hours are demanding, especially since most of them are spent on your feet. Roughly, I get 1 and a half day off, I'm on a half day on Saturdays and completely off on Sundays. I work from 9 to 5.30 so if any of you want to make plans - go ahead yeah! 'Coz two weeks worth of pay will be com

Here's the deal... here's why not a lot of you have seen me fuming mad. When someone says something or does something that could potentially infuriate me, I sort of delay my reaction so that I could avoid overreacting. Despite this being ages ago, here's my reaction. I wrote this a few days after everything had happened, because I was hesitant about posting it because well, some of you might think that I'm being oversensitive about things. Anyways, here goes the rant that some of you have heard many times before. "Something was said today that struck a chord with me. I believe that it will always strike a chord. Here’s the thing, I have no problem with being associated with domestic helpers, because the fact of the matter is that the Philippines does produce a lot of domestic helpers. What I do have a problem is the idea that I should be ashamed of this. It is no joke to be a maid. It isn ’t easy to admit that you do not have enough of an education to hold a decent

Obsession. From time to time I find myself tethering at the brink of it. Here I am once again and all I want to do is worm my way out of its vice like grip. Obsession - could it be some dieseased, mutated form of determination? They seem to be enough alike - both have goals and delayed gratification involved. Well, all I know for sure is that not obtaining that "goal", is driving me inches closer to insanity. Its ever so maddening to fixate on something which is so unreachable when you can see that it is only inches away from your grasp. Its as if I were some wild caged animal and the key is within sight just outside the enclosure, almost within reach - taunting me, daring me to force my arm through those bars, dislocate my shoulder - do anything - including self inflicted damage. Just get out of my head! Leave me alone! NO! DON'T LEAVE! I need you! I despise you because you remain unattainable. Stop torturing me! I refuse to be Gollum, consumed by the desire for one obj

Today, or well... since its 3 in the morning ....I guess it was yesterday. I had to go through my first ever job interview. The interviewer glanced at my transcript. As his eyes scanned the page, he shook his head from side to side ever so slightly. I imagined him mentally clicking his tongue at my grades. As he read my CV, his eyes stopped at the internship section. He asked me, why I decided to pursue R&D for both my chosen Differential Research Program and my industrial attachment. Why wasn't I applying for a job in R&D instead? I asked myself that. I've always believed in working in the R&D industry but short to say, that sector isn't exactly hiring at the moment. Since the recent economic meltdown, it seemed that the main concern of these companies shifted from product development to self preservation. As a whole, it wasn't as nerve wrecking as I had originally imagined. I found that somehow I had to sell the idea that - despite my lackadaisical grades

I am frustrated by the education system, as many of you probably are. The main focus of this frustration however, is the fact that our qualifications are measured only in paper by means of degrees and diplomas and other various means of certification. Here's how it works. We take written exams which assigns a numerical value to our knowledge of the topic, with regards to our correct answers. At the end of our course in an institution, if we accomplish satisfactory examination results, we are given some sort of certification to prove that we have at least achieved the most minimal requirements of that institution. See the problem I have with this particular system is that the knowledge we have acquired though education do not consist purely of our capabilities in answering certain written tests. I hate that education remains institutionalized even within this modern day and age. See, there are various resources on the Internet which allow for the propagation of knowledge through the

Ha - I've been wanting to post pictures up for so long! I love these women! These are the pictures of our picnic at the Marina Barrage - which I had the stress of planning. I don't know who will have the (dis)pleasure of planning the next one, but its so not me. LOL! - It was worth it tho. Okay, here's the back story.... our excuse to meet up was that we were going to celebrate her birthday - thus, birthday surprize. We decorated a cake at The Icing Room - and no it is not a room in a bake shop for you to play with icing, as Hamidah and I soon found out. Its a shop. Anyways, we met Jessic at Marina MRT and as soon as we got to the Barrage, we were faced with a predicament... how the heck do we get the cake out to surprise Jessic. Jo and I "went to the toilet" while Fel and Midah distracted Jessic. It was awesome! She had no clue whatsoever - which made me get this nice warm feeling inside. Awww! We still went tromping round Marina Square after and well, due to my

I'm always on the run to see you. You catch me staring, drinking you in, Imprinting every second in my memory. Your laugh, your silly jokes, Your quirks... never fail to make me smile. There is a deeply rooted wisdom that I so admire.

Although most of you may know me as a very expressive person, that is not always the case when it comes to immensely emotional matters pertaining to extremely close friends and family. Perhaps that is why I’m so expressive most of the time, since I have become accustomed to stifling my emotions them when they are at their peak - I freely express my emotions when they are of lower intensities as an avenue of release - okay, THAT, am not really sure about...but that would explain things. :P Up till this day, I have a habit of rolling my eyes at the slightest indication of contempt or exasperation and often be labeled as a bitch for it. When you think about it, its kinda weird that the way my pupils would move could trigger such a negative reaction from others. The day that I learnt how to roll my eyes behind closed eyelids was the same day that I learnt that hiding the indicative action would successfully hide the emotion from reaching others. Lying, it alters perceptions, and I realize

If there is one thing that I really hate, its homophobism . Don't get me wrong - I don't hate religious people or religions which teach that homosexuality is wrong. I really don't. I wish they would stop discriminating against them. I wish they'd stop and see the light but well... apparently they think that they already do. Just a few days ago, I stumbled upon a piece of news. It seems as if a christian preschool has expelled a student because his parents consists of two lesbians. Other catholic schools are also rescinding applications of students with gay parents. It made me sick to my stomach. These students did nothing wrong, yet they are the ones prohibited from getting an education. On the issue of the school - Yes, the church's stance is that it does not condone homosexual relationships, nor does it allow divorce and adultery, however there are still students who have openly divorced parents studying amidst the walls of that preschool. Double standards! The ma

Graduation day was a pain. It was arduous and bittersweet. I didn't stick around with my classmates because I simply refused to remember that as "the last day". Thinking that it would be the last day I would see some of those faces bothered me and I did my best to not let it show. I ditched the occasion so that I would not have to think about it. Instead I dove into this alternate reality with my friend Mac and My cousin. That evening, despite my lying to the world with my actions, I could not lie to myself. I was reduced to a sobbing mess under the covers. The day of the ceremony will not be the last of anything and I refuse to remember it as so. The friends that I have made, I will see them again and the friends I have not made, well, there is little I could do about that. Celebrating it with a final hurrah would generate a feeling of closure, and that was something which I was trying to avoid. On Monday, I was reminded why I never visited Dunman after the farewell cere

Sunny, thanks for uploading this. I just wanted to share this with you guys who wonder what the heck we do in debates... this was on grad day - I wasn't able to attend.

I have been brazenly known for asking questions... sometimes, the wrong kind because of my own tell all attitude. For some reason, I expect that from a lot of people. Anyways, I have never allowed others to post anything on my blog so I don't really get a response to anything, so... here's your chance to ask any questions - burning or otherwise and I'll answer them as honestly as I can. Ask me anything at http://www/formspring.me/rowanology/

I started this blog on the 11 th of May 2007 and its been 3 years and 9 days since then. I began this blog just a few weeks into school and now I feel as if I have come full circle. This blog was with me throughout my three year journey that is my poly life and although my poly life officially ended as of 4pm of yesterday, I know that my journey has truly only begun. I have gained many friends, met some very interesting people and learned a few things along the way. I can say that I have three and only three regrets on how I lived these three years. - and no I did not make up three on purpose. LOL! I regret not joining the debates club in year 1, because there I found friends who could understand me and my seemingly unquenchable thirst for wanting to know why the world is the way it is. There, the hazy philosophies that garnered my life crystallized so that I am able to convey them to others in a way that they could understand and accept. Social intercourse became less arduous. I regr

What’s the point in asking a question, when you’ve already made up your mind? If I answer as you predicted, your suspicions will be confirmed. If I answer otherwise, you'd think I'm lying. Voilà la solution, ne me demandez pas. C'est simple. Ah friendships. They're kind of funny eh. I can still be a friend to someone even if I don't principally or actively support what they believe in. I mean, just because you're friends with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to share the exact same opinions or ideals, nor does it mean that you will be willing to scrap your set of ideals to help that friend out. We're all blessed with a brain each - I hope that the whole of mankind would learn how to use their own thoughts and ideas to get by in life. Pour la moment, it is not my fight.

I am frustrated. Infuriated and vehemently opposed to my mother’s attempt to control my life. I have never had rules to follow. I only had to guess the rules and obey them. Now, she decides to impose strict rules on me. Now that I am 22 and have a mind of my own, now when I have been too far misguided to be steered back into her “righteous” world she decides to do this? Where was this eight years ago? According to mother, I have to go to sleep at 2 am and wake up no later than 10 am. Wow! My biological clock has been tuned to work in the night for the 10 years that I have been here, and she decides to flip it in just a day?! Uhhuh… that’ll work. The most frustrating thing is that I play along! I always play along! She will never see the rules as ridiculous because I make it seem as if I’m adhering to them! I need to find a job, and maybe a friend or someone that I can move in with so that the whole parental supervision problem would just go away. I absolutely abhor staying at home alon

They sat there talking, ping pong- ing the blame till everyone on the table was acquitted of it. I don't like it. I thought this kind of petty behavior was beyond this age group. Then again, I guess, you can't really grow out of being a bitch, even if some of you may happen to be male. Okay, I guess that had to get out of my system somehow. I'm sure that I also have a tendency to be catty, but I do try to keep my bitching to a minimum, especially when I am speaking to more than one person. - Now let me take this time to apologize to all of those whom I have bitched about, and those people whom I have bitched to for testing your patience and tolerance. I guess it really is a female thing most of the time. We do love to talk and sometimes when we are caught up with our emotions, or with PMS, we have a tendency to say things without thinking of their repercussions . Intangible words can amount to tangible pain too as we all know - since most of our parents do have a tenden

Shocking! A cat broke into our maisonette sometime past midnight! I wanted to keep him but instead, I settled on getting him to go to my folks' bedroom and watching my Mum chase the thing out the room, down the stairs and out of the house with a pillow. It was hilarious ! Anyways... on to my actual post. There are no reasons... there are just rationalizations. We all try to derive meaning from our lives. I wonder why that is? Why do we spend so much time rationalizing life's challenges and scrutinizing the significance of those events? Does it really make us better people? Think about it, if we keep analyzing our lives, deriving conclusions from it and perhaps changing ourselves, does that really mean that we become better people? I mean who's to say that me now is better than me five years ago? The truth is that we don't really know if we live our lives better. We think that we live our lives better but to truly know that now is indeed better is to compare our previous

Yesterday, I met up with a friend I've had for over 7 years. It was nostalgic and brilliantly energizing. It was really nice to have one of those intimate conversations that we always have. The best part was that we still clicked despite the ages we've been apart. You can't fake THAT kind of chemistry. A bonus was that we saw Vivian Dawson!! Eeep! He is an Adonnis! Tall gorgeous and totally out of this world! He was coming out of Tampines 1. Sigh... Anyways, after meeting up with Maria, I headed off to school for debates training. It was interesting... We each had to play different roles. I had to play a Religious Lesbian who has to convince her sister that being a lesbian is bad. Not a big stretch, but fun nonetheless. I wish I were an actor! :P

I apologize in advance. Blogging about this is completely unlike me... normally I'm all think and no wink, but in this week's been a rough one for me. I've been living in my head too long that some of what's in it is bound to spill out and here it is sprawled all in one page: What is cheating? Why do people cheat? These are just some of the questions I've been thinking about lately - partially because of the 18th episode of House aptly titled Open and Closed, partially because of my parents -whom depite what they would have you believe... require more guidance than yours truly and partially because of something which only a handful of you know of. Anyways, this episode of House MD is centered around the idea of infidelity. It, like all good shows got me thinking - not that I don't normally think. In a romantic relationship, two things are normally present, an emotional connection and a sexual connection. Granted, not all couples in a relationship are having sexu

Remember I said that I was oddly addicted to show tunes? I thought I'd share this one with you guys. I was brought to tears by this song. When I heard it, I remembered why Lea Salonga was my first idol. She's the first asian to play Eponine! Ah musicals... many of you may not know it, but I love them. I am a sucker when it comes to musicals - you can't make me cry watching a movie on the silver screen, but when it comes to theatre... I bawl my eyes out. Growing up (when we were still well off) I remember catching West Side Story and Miss Saigon in the theatre. Sadly, I could only watch The Phantom of the Opera, Cats and other musicals on video. Sigh... one day, I will watch Les Mis. One day, I would be able to watch all of the musicals I want. Sigh... Anyways, the video is below. Sadly, the sound is a bit warbled because of the compression thingie that youtube does. Try downloading the track from aimini.net Les Miserables - On My Own a composed by Claude-Michel Schönberg wi

I know that I am your friendly neighbourhood drama-queen but there's really just too much drama going down these days - even for me, most of which I am not allowed to mention in this blog. I have shockingly avoided being involved in the debates drama, therefore since I am not directly involved... these lips and the secrets behind them shall remain sealed. Although I don't agree with a lot of what's going on, I know that I am here to stay. In the one year that I've been in it, the program has changed my life. I may not have any major achievements in the field, and I may not be that much help to the juniors however I will do my best to help them. I want to share the experience I've had with others. I regret that not that many people share my views. I pray that few will leave, but ultimately everyone joins the squad to fulfill our own selfish agendas (be it self improvement) - and they will not hesitate to quit for the exact same reasons. Anyways, on my drama. I, as do

Here I go again... New blog skin... for the new, more adult portion of my life. Its actually kind of interesting how I started off three years ago with a minimalistic black and white design, and now am going back to that. I guess we all go back to our roots. Sometimes we have to look backwards at our past to find out how to move forward with our lives. I haven't gotten any sleep yet... I've been playing with headers and different images all through the night just so that I get it looking just right. Okay fine... maybe the header tinkering was just for the the last hour. I was preoccupied with downloading show tunes prior to that. Hmm... I don't know what it is with show tunes lately. Its not really my kind of music... at least until now. Anyways, I hope you like this new skin. Again it shows my... narcissistic nature. But then again, so what honeys! It is MY blog. I am allowed to indulge in a little self obsession ain't I? I rather think that the new header looks like a

I was on the verge of tears when I took the long walk to the convention centre to collect my graduation robe. Yes, as much as I thought it would not feel sentimental and about leaving, I just can't help it. I couldn't stop myself from slipping it over my shoulders and giving a twirl for everyone to see. Picture me wearing the red and gold striped robe, bouncing amidst the smiles of my friends. Sigh. Classic me. Orienting the freshmen was enjoyable and immensely exhausting. These vibrant and wild creatures came streaming into the room with such enthusiasm that they resuscitated the squad. It was refreshing. I was pleasantly surprised about how well these jovial novices actually did in their first debate, however, I was even more surprised at how well I debated. Sure, it was only for 4 minutes , but I had this new found manner and I strangely for this one debate, had good structure. Perhaps it was my mindset. I wanted to show them how provocative debating could be. It was such

I have a headache - from not drinking enough. Once again, I've had to exercise my discipline muscles so that I could get to the house in time for curfew... 11pm. Sad. I hate going "home". On the bus to 101 Elias Road, I realized that I have once again been enamored by a idealized perception of a person, and not the actual person. Ah, why do I always do that? Why can't I just stick to reality, instead of substituting my own biased perception of it? Ah, maybe I was just not meant to live in this reality. - Ironic eh... thinking of my erroneous fantasies on the way to a "fantasy" themed party. This is why I can't stay in a relationship. I have a tendency of over-thinking things, of glorifying people in my head to the point that they have avatars in my mind which are a far cry from who and what they really are. It always comes as a shock when I discover the discrepancies and well, perhaps the only word I can use to describe my state of mind then would be dis

I'm so hormotional now, you can't even imagine. Yesterday, even before I had awakened to a new day, I was love-sick. It was absolutely disgusting. It set the tone for these past two days. I find it so embarrassing that I don't even feel comfortable writing the sordid details of yesterday on this blog. Sigh. I'll leave you guys with a teaser though, straight off of my journal. "My mind is playing tricks on me. Before I woke, vivid images of romancing fluttered beneath my eyelids. It was odd though. The person in my dreams was someone whom I was completely unfamiliar with. Nonetheless, the interactions between us were flirtatious, tantalizing and needless to say absolutely enjoyable. I dreaded waking up, but my mother's voice (who nagged at me to get up) echoed in my ear, till I finally allowed the sleepy spell to break." That's all you get. I'd had to moderate that paragraph so that it wasn't dripping of sickly sweet honey, but you get the p

As an update on my previous post: Yeah, I broke as an adj. I adj-ed in the JC final rounds and the Grand Finals! Whoot ! Diplomacy + Perseverance and a whole lot of luck = :D Warning: Discussions on Religion. - I know that some of you don't like this sort of thing so... cease and desist. I need this job to save my family from bankruptcy. Yes guys, I'm not being overly dramatic , as I do have a tendency to be. I honestly need to get a job within 3 months, or else, that $13000 per semester that we saved, is going to come back and bite me in my sweet derriere. Some of you may already know, I have suffered the great grounding. The first and hopefully the last of its kind experienced by yours truly. It rose from a simple conversation which progressively amplified into what seemed like tens of decibels. There were tears and shouting and some minor disobediences which occurred . Some of the glassware in my house became what could be seen as raw material for mosaics. Simply put, a

I have been bumped to the adj pool. I feel that it was an inevitable verdict, after seeing the tabs in the NTU website. Sad though. I felt rather cheated. I feel as if when other people voice out my ideas, it sounds a lot better and more complete. However, when it is my turn to explain that very same idea, that brainchild of mine, my composure fails me. Oh what use is a brain full of ideas when it is rather incapable of communicating those ideas to the outside world? Sure, my friends can understand me, but then again, that's due to months or years of being with me and trying to make sense of the words coming out of my mouth. Alas, to an individual does not know of me, there is a communication breakdown. I really should learn to speak my mind, and justify those thoughts to everyone else. Maybe adjudicating will help me do that. Startlingly enough, I was only apprehensive of the idea in the beginning. After rolling the idea around in my head, I felt rather accustomed to the idea. I

Friday! Packing, packing, packing and then... debates, and then more packing. After which I just couldn't bring myself to sleep. I was panicked, so I read. I read till about 5 am. I doubt anything sunk in, but the action of researching reduced my stress levels, that is, till I found out that I only had an hour to catch some shut eye. I couldn't, so I arrived in school on Saturday, at 7.18 bleary eyed and with a crazy headache. "COFFEE!" I cried, before the first round of battle could commence. The weekend was spent in NTU . That was thrilling, stressful and surprising all at the same time. I felt horrible though. I was on the verge of catching the common cold, and voila, before I know it, I'm in bed with a mild case of sniffles, which I think is close to doing me in. Pictures very soon. I was moody on Sunday though, as a result, I was displacing some of that pent up frustration on my poor teammates. Its not my fault I was moody. If only things unfolded differently

I found this out. Its a very strange phenomenon that I've observed... I don't know about you, but for me, this is how I learn. A topic becomes interesting when you start understanding it. As you learn more about it, the level of interest also increases, When you've learnt a lot about it, it loses its novelty, it becomes less interesting. And finally, when you believe that you know everything there is to know about that topic, it bores you. Now, apply that to a person. How can an individual remain interested in another individual for a lifetime? Then again, people do change in time. They grow older and wiser, and perhaps that maintains the wonder and mystery of that individual. Thank goodness I picked the constantly evolving field of science and technology. God forbid if I study something such as history, which is rarely rewritten. It might just kill me. Anyways, perhaps history does have its saving grace. It helps us predict what will happen in like future circumstances.

Here I am moving out again. While I was packing up 10 years worth of my junk into boxes, I came across a bag of secondary school memorabilia. I wondered where that girl in the pictures went. I wondered if all of the changes I had made to my life and my way of thinking were for the better. Was I a better person then? I'm sure I am smarter now. I wonder if knowing more makes that big of a difference. I feel dirtier now, more of a conniver, but happier. If I am indeed happier, it must mean that I'm on the right track right? Or am I just happy because I am wallowing in my hedonistic tendencies? Everything is changing. I'm afraid I don't want to let go yet, but time is no friend of mine. Time stands still for no man. I need time. I'm not ready for everything to change all at once.

It seems like Momma's arriving at around 3 now... according to Dad, so I guess I'm stuck here for a while. Good news though, I saw sunflowers. Though not a whole field of them. Just those little walk though displays in the waiting areas. Hmm ... walking around reminds me of Hong Kong. The leaf shaped ceilings , the glass canopies and the wide open spaces look like the Hong Kong airport that I got used to growing up. Sigh... I can't remember a time when I didn't live in between two countries. I guess my family's been doing it for a while now. Shuffling between two countries. Its all I know really. I mean, my first plane ride was when I was 6 months old. Boy have I changed since then. I used to like travelling, because it meant that I was flying across international boarders to see the people I love. Now, I don't see it exactly that way. My life here and in Philippines has grown in contradistinct directons. Its two completely different worlds. Now, flying just