Relapse

Obsession. From time to time I find myself tethering at the brink of it. Here I am once again and all I want to do is worm my way out of its vice like grip.

Obsession - could it be some dieseased, mutated form of determination? They seem to be enough alike - both have goals and delayed gratification involved. Well, all I know for sure is that not obtaining that "goal", is driving me inches closer to insanity. Its ever so maddening to fixate on something which is so unreachable when you can see that it is only inches away from your grasp. Its as if I were some wild caged animal and the key is within sight just outside the enclosure, almost within reach - taunting me, daring me to force my arm through those bars, dislocate my shoulder - do anything - including self inflicted damage.

Just get out of my head! Leave me alone!
NO! DON'T LEAVE! I need you! I despise you because you remain unattainable.
Stop torturing me! I refuse to be Gollum, consumed by the desire for one object. He had lost everything that made him Sméagol. He settled for survival when he could have lived. And no I am not speaking a foreign language, that's LotR if you who didn't get it.

Why is it that the things we want the most always seem to elude us. Is it possible to be content, or is that once again, one of those unrealistic ideals that seem to only exist within the sphere of my imagination?

I just proofread and - GOSH! I am so dramatic! Maybe I should channel some of that drama into a script... maybe that would get my mind of things.