Feeling but not Expressing
Although most of you may know me as a very expressive person, that is not always the case when it comes to immensely emotional matters pertaining to extremely close friends and family.
Perhaps that is why I’m so expressive most of the time, since I have become accustomed to stifling my emotions them when they are at their peak - I freely express my emotions when they are of lower intensities as an avenue of release - okay, THAT, am not really sure about...but that would explain things. :P
Up till this day, I have a habit of rolling my eyes at the slightest indication of contempt or exasperation and often be labeled as a bitch for it. When you think about it, its kinda weird that the way my pupils would move could trigger such a negative reaction from others. The day that I learnt how to roll my eyes behind closed eyelids was the same day that I learnt that hiding the indicative action would successfully hide the emotion from reaching others.
Lying, it alters perceptions, and I realized that in this world - reality holds no weight.
I learned to lie about my feelings to spare my loved ones from disappointment, fear, anger and what other negative emotions that could come about. It seems that when it comes to serious decisions, the world minus my feelings is a much simpler and happier place. That way, the people I care about could go about making the decisions they do, in pursuit of their own happiness without having to worry about me. Knowing of my emotions has, in the past, clouded their judgement and dissuaded them from doing what (they feel) could have made them happier.
I refuse to have that on my conscience so, if I can prevent it, then it shall be prevented.
Perhaps that is why I’m so expressive most of the time, since I have become accustomed to stifling my emotions them when they are at their peak - I freely express my emotions when they are of lower intensities as an avenue of release - okay, THAT, am not really sure about...but that would explain things. :P
Up till this day, I have a habit of rolling my eyes at the slightest indication of contempt or exasperation and often be labeled as a bitch for it. When you think about it, its kinda weird that the way my pupils would move could trigger such a negative reaction from others. The day that I learnt how to roll my eyes behind closed eyelids was the same day that I learnt that hiding the indicative action would successfully hide the emotion from reaching others.
Lying, it alters perceptions, and I realized that in this world - reality holds no weight.
I learned to lie about my feelings to spare my loved ones from disappointment, fear, anger and what other negative emotions that could come about. It seems that when it comes to serious decisions, the world minus my feelings is a much simpler and happier place. That way, the people I care about could go about making the decisions they do, in pursuit of their own happiness without having to worry about me. Knowing of my emotions has, in the past, clouded their judgement and dissuaded them from doing what (they feel) could have made them happier.
I refuse to have that on my conscience so, if I can prevent it, then it shall be prevented.
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