My confession
Graduation day was a pain. It was arduous and bittersweet. I didn't stick around with my classmates because I simply refused to remember that as "the last day".
Thinking that it would be the last day I would see some of those faces bothered me and I did my best to not let it show. I ditched the occasion so that I would not have to think about it. Instead I dove into this alternate reality with my friend Mac and My cousin.
That evening, despite my lying to the world with my actions, I could not lie to myself. I was reduced to a sobbing mess under the covers.
The day of the ceremony will not be the last of anything and I refuse to remember it as so. The friends that I have made, I will see them again and the friends I have not made, well, there is little I could do about that. Celebrating it with a final hurrah would generate a feeling of closure, and that was something which I was trying to avoid.
On Monday, I was reminded why I never visited Dunman after the farewell ceremonies. I returned to school to see the debate squad for my much needed closure - a final farewell to all of them. I didn't get that closure and perhaps I never will. I guess it is best that way.
I figured, maybe if I didn't have that feeling, maybe everything could just go on. That statement may sound deluded but I know that it will go on somehow - hopefully those friendships will grow deeper instead of apart. I go to bed with this conclusion - these friends and memories I've made - they're not likely to disappear so soon.
On less emotional things - I've been reading my old logs - you know, reminiscing and all and I have this sense of disparity. I sound less - I would say immature but that's not the right word...I sounded more deluded then. I was in my own world stuck in despair. An alien. I focused on the superficial.
So, just for kicks I took another of those Myers-Briggs personality profiling quizzes and sure enough I had flipped from a strongly ENTP to a moderate ENFP. Turns out that the changes in me can be qualified. I changed from a "thinker" to a "feeler". My stomach churns at the thought that somehow, my capability of being logical has been lessened. I do feel better about myself though.
Thinking that it would be the last day I would see some of those faces bothered me and I did my best to not let it show. I ditched the occasion so that I would not have to think about it. Instead I dove into this alternate reality with my friend Mac and My cousin.
That evening, despite my lying to the world with my actions, I could not lie to myself. I was reduced to a sobbing mess under the covers.
The day of the ceremony will not be the last of anything and I refuse to remember it as so. The friends that I have made, I will see them again and the friends I have not made, well, there is little I could do about that. Celebrating it with a final hurrah would generate a feeling of closure, and that was something which I was trying to avoid.
On Monday, I was reminded why I never visited Dunman after the farewell ceremonies. I returned to school to see the debate squad for my much needed closure - a final farewell to all of them. I didn't get that closure and perhaps I never will. I guess it is best that way.
I figured, maybe if I didn't have that feeling, maybe everything could just go on. That statement may sound deluded but I know that it will go on somehow - hopefully those friendships will grow deeper instead of apart. I go to bed with this conclusion - these friends and memories I've made - they're not likely to disappear so soon.
On less emotional things - I've been reading my old logs - you know, reminiscing and all and I have this sense of disparity. I sound less - I would say immature but that's not the right word...I sounded more deluded then. I was in my own world stuck in despair. An alien. I focused on the superficial.
So, just for kicks I took another of those Myers-Briggs personality profiling quizzes and sure enough I had flipped from a strongly ENTP to a moderate ENFP. Turns out that the changes in me can be qualified. I changed from a "thinker" to a "feeler". My stomach churns at the thought that somehow, my capability of being logical has been lessened. I do feel better about myself though.
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