Hi, I'm your crazy daughter.
I know that I am your friendly neighbourhood drama-queen but there's really just too much drama going down these days - even for me, most of which I am not allowed to mention in this blog. I have shockingly avoided being involved in the debates drama, therefore since I am not directly involved... these lips and the secrets behind them shall remain sealed.
Although I don't agree with a lot of what's going on, I know that I am here to stay. In the one year that I've been in it, the program has changed my life. I may not have any major achievements in the field, and I may not be that much help to the juniors however I will do my best to help them. I want to share the experience I've had with others. I regret that not that many people share my views. I pray that few will leave, but ultimately everyone joins the squad to fulfill our own selfish agendas (be it self improvement) - and they will not hesitate to quit for the exact same reasons.
Anyways, on my drama.
I, as do all young people have been lectured time and time again by her guardians. These past couple of days, through this back and forth of conversations and lectures, my parents seem to have realized that there is indeed more to me than what I have been portraying for the last 10 years of my life. They're starting to see through the facade... or should I say, I'm letting them see through it. Its a start.
I'm sick of pretending so I'm starting to stop. There were times though that I wished that I were actually gay. At least THAT idea, my folks would be more receptive to, compared to the of idea me being an atheist - because at least gay culture is highly celebrated within the Philippine culture. Despite their relatively strict beliefs in the Catholic faith, they'd actually rather I'd be Muslim, rather than an atheist. I don't know why it makes a difference actually.
My moral values are the same as they have always been because these are the ones that they have provided me while growing up. My approach to life is the same. Perhaps the only difference is that I would not be going to church every month, and that I could be more vocal about my thoughts.
Its almost as if my parents don't trust that they've raised me properly, as if they don't trust that I can make decisions keeping their life lessons in mind. Granted, I sometimes don't, but I know and appreciate the value behind them. Sure, I may always say that they didn't raise me well, but I know that they did their best and that was enough for me.
Hmm... this is probably why I don't trust myself enough. I hid myself in an attempt to shield them from disappointment and to shield myself from their presumed reaction of rejection. If I am afraid to tell my folks what I believe in, then of course a similar problem would manifest itself in other aspects of my life.
I feared that my very own flesh and blood will not accept me for who I am. I figured that here must really be something wrong with me for them not to think that I am acceptable. This thought crippled me through my teenage years. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me being myself, therefore I should not be ashamed of it. There is however something wrong with them not accepting me.
I'm sure they will, through time, so long as I get them slowly accustomed to it. I mean... its not like my parents are cold & heartless. I bet that despite them not understanding me, they will still accept me because of that little contract they signed when I was born. - They promised they would love me, whatever that takes. I mean, after all... I'm the only one out of the six that survived.
Although I don't agree with a lot of what's going on, I know that I am here to stay. In the one year that I've been in it, the program has changed my life. I may not have any major achievements in the field, and I may not be that much help to the juniors however I will do my best to help them. I want to share the experience I've had with others. I regret that not that many people share my views. I pray that few will leave, but ultimately everyone joins the squad to fulfill our own selfish agendas (be it self improvement) - and they will not hesitate to quit for the exact same reasons.
Anyways, on my drama.
I, as do all young people have been lectured time and time again by her guardians. These past couple of days, through this back and forth of conversations and lectures, my parents seem to have realized that there is indeed more to me than what I have been portraying for the last 10 years of my life. They're starting to see through the facade... or should I say, I'm letting them see through it. Its a start.
I'm sick of pretending so I'm starting to stop. There were times though that I wished that I were actually gay. At least THAT idea, my folks would be more receptive to, compared to the of idea me being an atheist - because at least gay culture is highly celebrated within the Philippine culture. Despite their relatively strict beliefs in the Catholic faith, they'd actually rather I'd be Muslim, rather than an atheist. I don't know why it makes a difference actually.
My moral values are the same as they have always been because these are the ones that they have provided me while growing up. My approach to life is the same. Perhaps the only difference is that I would not be going to church every month, and that I could be more vocal about my thoughts.
Its almost as if my parents don't trust that they've raised me properly, as if they don't trust that I can make decisions keeping their life lessons in mind. Granted, I sometimes don't, but I know and appreciate the value behind them. Sure, I may always say that they didn't raise me well, but I know that they did their best and that was enough for me.
Hmm... this is probably why I don't trust myself enough. I hid myself in an attempt to shield them from disappointment and to shield myself from their presumed reaction of rejection. If I am afraid to tell my folks what I believe in, then of course a similar problem would manifest itself in other aspects of my life.
I feared that my very own flesh and blood will not accept me for who I am. I figured that here must really be something wrong with me for them not to think that I am acceptable. This thought crippled me through my teenage years. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me being myself, therefore I should not be ashamed of it. There is however something wrong with them not accepting me.
I'm sure they will, through time, so long as I get them slowly accustomed to it. I mean... its not like my parents are cold & heartless. I bet that despite them not understanding me, they will still accept me because of that little contract they signed when I was born. - They promised they would love me, whatever that takes. I mean, after all... I'm the only one out of the six that survived.
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