Fat

Something someone said hurt me a lot today.

Im sure it wasn't that way but it hurt nonetheless. Yeah I'm overweight. Yeah I will probably never have abs... but thats not very important to me.

What hurt is that this person thought I had a shitty attitude primarily because I dont work out.

Maybe I do have a shitty attitude.

People have always liked me for my personality. I liked it because I felt it was something I could easily change, unlike my outward appearance, and I felt like the way I looked never really matched how I felt inside.

I've never felt beautiful. And yeah I probably have some sort of stigma with that. Whenever boys would say I look pretty i would think that they're just trying to get into my pants.

I've always wanted to look good. Hence the 10 year long make up obsession that took over my life. Lol! But I never believed it. I would feel insecure about the way I looked if my mask rubbed off or if it was a thing I couldnt wear make up to.

I still do. I still hate the way my body looks in a swimsuit. As I am losing weight I feel more and more awkward in my own skin. I know how to rock being thick. I dont know how to rock not being as curvy as before.

Its hard. I've lost 15kgs. And I want to lose more, but my confidence is shot.

I hope I can do this. I may never get the body I want but maybe I'll get into the clothes I want, get the men I want. Feel better about my self with less clothes on. So on so forth.

One of my biggest fears is still feeling fat and ugly after I've lost all this weight. Maybe I will. Maybe I wont. Who knows. Only one way to find out.