The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

Today... let me tell you, this has not been a good day at all. First of all, I just belly flopped into my Organic Chemistry paper. Let me put it this way, saying that I would be lucky to pass is an understatement. I think it would take all the luck in my life to just pass that paper. It was difficult. The worst part was that I expected the paper to be difficult! It was easier than I expected and still, I fear that I will not pass. I can feel my dreams of a long, relaxing, beach side vacation going down the drain. The best that I can hope for is that I have to take the test only when I get back (hopefully the schedule lets me take at least a short holiday), that way, I can experience even a tiny scrap of elation. What I want to do is De-stress. What I have to do now is study for tomorrow's Biochemistry Paper. Great! I hate... no not a strong enough word I ABSOLUTELY ABHOR studying for exams. Yep. I don't hate biochem . I just hate having to go over the same thing over and over ...

I just saw the past year papers for Human Anatomy and Physiology and oh my god I underestimated the scope of the syllabus . I gave myself just one day to study for it. Sure only five topics are tested but boy, they are tested to the max. The even tiniest most seemingly unimportant bit of information is tested. Looks like there's going to be little sleep tonight. Wish me luck.

I am so sick... Sick of sitting at my desk and studying! All I want is to pass the exams so that I can just get up and leave for the Philippines. If I pass all of my subjects, I do not have to sit for the sub paper which will be held during the holidays. It is quite irritating because my passport is about to expire. That means that I have to get it renewed before I can book the flight! Honestly, thats one hastle that I do not need during the exam period. Anyways, I have a paper tomorrow (Principals of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry, just saying it is exhausting!) and on Monday. I'm going to be free by Fridays so I'm thinking of doing something to celebrate. Sigh... if there's one thing I know about celebrations is that ninety percent of the time it involves food. I am already so chunky! There is however one good thing about study week.... due to all of the stress and studying, I have lost five pounds! I can't believe it either! My old clothes have started to fit me be...

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I took a nap after coming back from Church See a pattern here? As soon as I get home I sleep. and got the weirdest dream. I couldn't remember it at first but now I do. It was so crazy! Here's how it went: I was pregnant then all of the sudden I wasn't! I had multiple 'Mini Me's running around creating havoc. I couldn't handle all of the two year old copies of my self and I just got angry and walked out of the house. I looked for my husband. I looked everywhere then I broke down in the middle of the road when I realised that I did not have a spouse! It was all so strange and freaky! I wonder where that came from. My subconscious self must be going through some horrible thing to cook up that kind of dream. Terrifying! Okay, back to real life. I am so distracted! I need to focus and prioritise. Study time.

I caught the flu. I think it's because of all of the eerie weather, excessive rain and insufficient sunshine. I felt so sick that I had to go home early on Friday. Now I do not typically skip lectures especially Human Anatomy and Physiology (HAP) but a killer headache and a runny nose just rendered me incapable of doing any learning. I got home and got some sleep. I had some dinner then went back to sleep. I woke up at almost three pm, barely able to breathe. Camping out at the living room in front of the TV is my favorite thing about being sick. I don't have to run around doing chores. I wanted to get some studying done though but well, this being sick stuff had just set me back a half a day in the work department. Sigh. I'm not going to the doctor. Nope. The last thing I need is some drugs that make me sleepy. Okay, I am not stupid, I know they can give you non-drowsy medication but then all it really does is alleviate your symptoms not cure you. Anyways I already took ...

Oh! Oh no! I just came to the realization that the final exam is just eight days away! I do not know if I am capable of devouring five subjects worth of notes in just eight days! I have two and a half "D" ring files worth of notes to go through. Gulp! For some reason still unknown to me, I have been able to survive school tests and exams the past few years. I usually just got by, without getting awesome grades. I was your basic average slacker who doesn't buck up until the last minute. Why the heck did I choose Biomedical Science? It takes a lot of work! I want more projects and less reading, I mean, that is what I went to Polytechnic for. I hate studying but I like learning. Does that make sense? Anyways, here's a picture of my Biochemistry(BC)lecturer and the rest of the class. BC is pretty tough (there's so much text to internalize) but he makes learning it more entertaining. He's leaving though. Sad. Oh yeah, the lecturer is the dude holding the Mikey Mous...

Sleep. I can't seem to get enough of it! When I got home, I headed straight to my room and I was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. I woke up to eat dinner and watch my favorite soap opera and now, I'm supposed to be studying but guess what, my head wants is soft sweet slumber. I have a headache and the only cure I know of that does not involve drugs is mind numbing REM. Damn that sandman! Why the heck am I so tired! I was only in school for around three hours and we barely used our brains Well it didn't take that much brain power to figure out how to use a calculator for solving leniar regression equations. Sheesh! I'm going to go sleep now. Tomorrow's lecture day and I'm just coming for Organic Chemistry. Late mornings are the best! Who needs breakfast when you can have brunch. Nighty night!

The test went pretty well and I am glad that I took the time off to look up certain things in the reference books in the library. I can feel an ending of some sort approaching. I think its probably because this school term is ending. It's pretty weird because this week seems full of last tutorials and practicals and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to take on the exams. I know I've been saying that I really need a break but now that the school holidays are coming up, I'm not so sure I want to go back to the Philippines. I think I want to go somewhere else like Australia or Hong Kong just for the change in environment. I asked my Mum about my going to University and she communicated her uncertainty in us being able to afford further education. I do not know if I would still want to go forth with my education but at the moment, I feel that the knowledge that I would have acquired by the end of my three years would not be enough adequate in helping me gain employment.

Two minuites ago: I am at the library trying to make sense of the Organic chemistry notes before me. I feel frustrated. I try to twist and turn the practically senseless words in my head, hoping to form some kind of idea of what has been taught and what I'm expected to know. Somehow, while looking at a reference book, something clicked in my mind and I knew exactly what was going on. I think great! Only 10 more pages of this. Then I roll my eyes at myself. Who do I think I'm kidding? There is a very small chance that I can internalise two chapters of notes in half an hour! I wish I were a genius or have photographic memory. What really gets on my nerves is that the way in which the notes are written are extremely convoluted. The technical terms are not first explained before they are used. This results in my acute confusion. She expects us to just know, instinctively. I feel that this is unfair because to her those terms are familiar as she has a PHD and such qualifications....

I'm so missing people. So sad. I miss my old friends (one of whom I just IM- ed with). I cant wait for the break and in all honesty I do not want to be chosen for that program that I applied for. I want to get away from here. Party a little. Live a little. I need a break and a massage. I want to go to Boracay (an island resort in the Philippines) and just take a plunge into the cool crystal clear water. I want to escape from this world. I wish I'd done something other than go to Poly. What bugs me is that I don't really have friends who I can confide with. (is the grammar right?) Not like the ones I used to have anyway. I have friends just not serious ones. Miss all of you French classmates and schoolmates! Sayang, walang mashadong pinoy dito.

Monosyllabic words should be used when talking to most teenagers, right? I say NO! Teens are not idiots, however the media has influenced us in such a way that we teens have a tendency to dumb ourselves down. This is probably because using words such as "extol" of "fraudulent" in day to day conversation is going to get you some strange looks from you're fellow teens ( especially here in Asia- for some reason still unknown to me). These decent words are not difficult or complex in meaning, so what keeps them form daily use? Well, in my opinion, the adaptation of a wider vocabulary (in place of a slang infused one) is hindered by the fear of ridicule. It is very difficult for one to be different especially during the formative years. I was one of those so called "weird" kids. Growing up, I could not help myself from gobbling up information from books and other media. Most of my classmates thought I was strange, and few shared my interests. I was not ...

Nothing feels solid. I wish none of this was real. Drained on the inside, Parched I feel. It just takes too much To keep this facade up. I wish I could just quit, But I don't want to. I need to keep this going, But I don't want to. This isn't good, So why do I like it. Something is wrong here, But I don't know if this can be fixed. Conflicts rage, Turmoils boil and into the hole I sink.

I wish for: A 1967 Ford Mustang Convertible in decent condition my own business (AKA: I want to be my own boss) All the clothes and shoes I could want The ability to read minds (really, who doesn't want that, it would surely help out in exams!) The ability to control my parents (evil maniacal laughter) A mind of a genius My own apartment (I so need to get away from my parents) Longer legs (I want to be like, 5 feet 8 inches tall) A guitar Lots of money A vacation Fat chance that I'm going to get any of those things, well... maybe the vacation and the guitar but, other that that, none of those things are going to come to me anytime soon. But hey, a girl can dream can't she?

I had a great day today. It was almost free from my parents' incessant nagging (duh, that's why it's incessant, it doesn't cease). I got some new clothes (finally!) and the cherry on top is that my folks are leaving the country AGAIN! So naturally, Nica and I are going to have the house to ourselves. Well, actually, I'm going to have the house to myself, since she's always at work! GOODBYE HOUSE RULES! Oh and plus, neither my parents, nor Nica know that I'll have an extra day off school (other than the National Day of course, Aug 9) ! That means that I can go do whatever I want wherever I want, without them knowing! VIVA LA LIBERTE! (Gulp! Yes people, that was French...erm... at least I think that's correct. Saying that I'm a bit rusty with French is a major understatement.)

My strange little antisocial phase has been broken. Yes people, Rowan has done her time in solitary confinement and is ready to be let out into the yard (I guess I've been watching too much Prison Break).

I hate being here, in school. Too many eyes and too may stragers looking. Sure I am not alone, pysically but well, really inside, every man is an island. I seem to like it that way. In solitude, one finds meaning within themselves, one, finds reasons for their existance. Sure, it means less distractions, and sure, you're eventually going to have a polar view of the world compared to everybody else but there are advantages. I have control over practically every aspect of my life now. I am able to have a privacy that I have never experienced before. Now, no one can see into my head (well, you can see what is written in this blog but really, thats about it). No one can judge me because no one will truly know me but me. No one will be able to use my thoughts against me without my permission. I will be able to take my secrets with me, and not let them wander free letting the wind carry them. I know that its kind of strange to be antisocial but right now, its what is best for me. I can...

The sky is the color of ash. Everything seems gray and drab. The house is quiet and empty and honestly I’m enjoying the lack of company. For some reason, I just don’t feel the need to socialize as much. Call it a phase, well whatever it is, one word that comes to mind is dry . School, and plain day to day life has become lackluster for me. Boring. I can't wait to go on vacation. Maybe just sit at the seaside, reading a book and finally getting an even tan, that would cure me. Sigh, this time two years ago, when I was a freshman, I had some sort of breakdown, literally, that time, everything was just plain falling apart. Glad that history didn't repeat itself. I've got more sense than that. I guess, it is true, the older you are, the wiser you get. I can take a lot more hits than I used to be able to. A drink would help though.... Kidding!