The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

Finally, my parents are showing signs of letting up. You probably already know that my parents are the typical over protective pair that they are. Last Sunday, I had a talk with my Dad. Apparently he was concerned about the fact that debates seems to be taking up most of my time. Note that I came home fairly late the previous day because I hung out with the dear ole debaters after the tryouts. I explained to him that I was merely doing something so innocent as hanging out with my friends and I also highlighted the fact that sometimes, the man of the house, my mother, winks was overbearing and somewhat unhappy about my "escapades". We talked about how I had to ask for permission at least two days prior to an event that I would like to attend. I explained how my mother was still disallowing me to participate in social gatherings at my ripe old age of 21. The problem with that is that I am old enough to make my own decisions. I can't be dependent on their judgement foreve...

Who is able to predict what I can become? For that to happen, someone has to know what I am now, in the present day and time... so that they can correctly extrapolate exactly what I can be. The problem is, no one really knows another individual. No one can aptly decipher exactly what is going on in someone else's brain by just observing what is going on in the surface. We only show glimpses of ourselves to everyone else, and on the rare occasions when we are actually unguarded and completely exposed, we are exposed only to a few. Sometimes we're not even conscious of how we feel and why we feel a certain way. At times we don't even know exactly what or who we are. I believe that we never know what we are capable of until we actually grasp the milestones in our lives. At that moment of achievement, we know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are capable of doing THAT thing, because of the simple fact that we already have. Before that achievement, we have doubts ...

I love dolphins. I love documentaries, so you'd think that I'd love a documentary about dolphins right? Not when its about what some of the Japanese people are doing to them. Its barbaric. "Humaneness" is a human invention, and it stems from the word "human". It is supposed to mean "a quality marked by an emphasis on humanistic values and concerns". It is supposed express how we differentiate ourselves from other animals, in the way that we are capable of expressing compassion and mercy in a way animals are unable to. Its an idea propagated by us, humans. How then can we stand for such in-humanity? Things like these make me question our position on earth. We regard ourselves as superior beings, but that only means that we have the capability to protect the other beings in this earth. If we fail in doing this...have we really come that far? Have we really evolved beyond the rest of the animals, or are we just as, or even more despicable than the low...

The long weekend was rather strange. Sunday, I went for a "Couples for Christ" barbeque with my folks and their friends. I wouldn't normally attend those types of functions because firstly, I am not religious, and secondly, I didn't really fancy hanging out with my parent's friends, but I thought, 'what the hey, its my mum's birthday the next day so I might as well spend some quality time with them... or at least act like I am. The food was nice but there was a large generation gap between the company and I. On one side of the pit were the toddlers and teenagers, on the other side were the parents. Where was I to go? Hmm, normally I would make a beeline for the teens and toddlers but at that time, I really wasn't set on babysitting children and high school students. The oldies were gathered round a guitar singing... well... oldies, which I happen to know a lot about. It was unexpectedly nice. I went to look for a comfort room and I found one, on my wa...

I've blogged about my life way too much however, my life doesn't represent me. A majority of my existance represents what society expects of me - school, learn and play. My thoughts make me me, so here is a super long post on what is going on in my brain. I think that discrimination can't really end. It is part and parcel of life. It aids how we humans function. Its easier to judge someone based on their appearance and evaluate a person's intelligence and character based on a small aspect of their performance. Stereotyping is easier than actually getting to know a person inside out. Communication is emperical for survival in this world, hence it is safe to assume that the way we appear or act, communicates something about ourselves. Thus, we try to read people by what we see. We pass judgements so easily without so much as a blink of an eye, sometimes without even realizing it. For example, a man seeing a voluptuous woman walking down the street naturally assumes that,...

I missed the break. Boo. I guess that I am glad that I bucked up for the last three rounds. I am just a little tweeked because well lets face it it still wasn't good enough. I am rather pleased though that I did better than Anita in the last three rounds. Whoo! Anyways, Beanie shall not admit defeat so quickly. The air is pregnant with change. All that is required is a catalyst. Its only a matter of time. There electricity in the air. I will be able to channel some of my attention to the Internship at hand. Debate will still be there. I still have to up the ante, maybe even more so but the attention will not be on me. That makes me somewhat comfortable. The only problem is that I'll have to grab that attention from the fore runners if I want to make something more of myself than what I am.

Since SIP started, my routine has been: Wake up Bathe Get dressed Go to work Go for lunch Go back to work Eat and sleep Earth shattering right? Who knew that trying to find a cure for cancer would lead to such a mundane existance . Life has been so uneventful lately. Sure... my body is busy but my mind feels as if it is completely stagnant. When I actually get home from work and my mind is filled with wanderlust, my physical body is too exhausted to let my mind roam. I have to say that the thing which is taking the most toll on my psyche is the fact that I don't really get to see my friends anymore. Sure... the debaters are always there, but the B8 girls are all over the place. The world imploaded yesterday when Aji dropped the bomb on the Thailand trip. My stomach fell and my mind wandered.

So much for my happy ending Sadly, happy endings are hard to come by. The competition ended on a strange note. Aji finished off by saying to team Jalepeno that "you'll be fine" and that just crushed me. I know that sounds absurd and ridiculous that I found those words utterly offensive but I did. By no means did I want to settle for fine. I wanted him to shake me and tell me that I could do so much better. I wanted him to raise his voice and tell me how disapointed he was in me. I thought that he would be angry that we didn't do well, despite having the capabilities to do so much better. It seemed that by not being angry, he was awknowledging that we were not capable of doing any better so our stab at it was the best we could do. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to accept that. I will not be fine. I will be AWESOME!

She questions intentions. She wonders why. Should she shy? And bite the bullet Instead of justify, The doubt that hides beneath The mask that comfort likes to keep. Should she ask, Or should she bask, In anonimity? Would it last? Would it work out, Or would it fail? Would she reveil herself, Emerge from that veil? Conceilment for her is a solice, It blocks and sheilds, But holds no promise She's undecided Yet she is sure What she feels for him is not just allure She knows not What to do and say Undercover would she stay?

Today was the first day of tryouts. It had to happen at NTU . Today, I learned more about myself than probably any other day in my life. I just couldn't hold it together in my first debate. Everything else fell into place, except I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I felt so comfortable with Anita's speech that I felt that I no longer had to justify why her argument was better than everyone else's . Well... at first I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I came to the aforementioned conclusion later on when we sat down and analysed our problems. I guess I have a tendency not to explain things properly because I understand them so well. I sometimes forget that other people can't hear what I am thinking. Anyways, after the next two debates went down, I felt a sense of hopelessness descend on me. I didn't dare keep that in me. I wasn't going to stay hopeless so I purged that emotion from my mind. There were tears, I have to admit. I hate crying but I wa...

My new schedule is driving me stark raving mad. I didn't realize how much more exhausting working is compared to plain old going to school. Sure, it is an in-house attachment, but that doesn't make it a walk in the park. I like the work we're doing though. I like lab work and I feel like I belong in a lab. A Bio lab mind you, not a Chemistry one. See... here's what I think, Chemistry is a word which originated from the two words, "chemical" and "mystery", Chem-mystery and that is why its so mind boggling. I hope I get a lab job doing some form of research. Its so much more awesome when you know that scientific breakthroughs are just barely out of your reach. Sure, R&D protocols involve highly repetitive activities, but that's fine with me. I like to be in the thick of investigating something. Its like trying to solve this very intricate puzzle, of which you don't have all the pieces yet. Just imagine what it would feel like if you actuall...

I think I'm in love. I came home to find this really cute, tiny black and white Hp laptop that looks a hell of a lot better than my Lenovo - Lenny for short. I think I can keep it, with a few tricks learned from debating, It'll probably be mine in no time. I don't know if anyone will buy my Leny if I put it up for sale though. I still love that heavy chunky machine but really... this one, I'm using the Hp one now by the way, is so much more portable. It weighs like a quarter of the old one. It is miniscule though. Its going to be hard to watch videos, Well... we'll see. With a little luck and a pair of puppy dog eyes, I might even get to keep both. I feel like I have a new pet or something. I do see a down side though... If I had to keep just one... I'll probably keep my Lenny buddy, just because that one is more efficient and it has that teeny little joystick mouse thing that helps me draw stuff and so on. I love my Lenny. I am so going to fight for both. I pro...

As the week began to unfold, the usually dormant butterflies in my belly began to protest. Saturday was the first day that I would debate competitively against people not from TP and to tell you the absolute truth, I had a feeling that the day would turn out the way it did. Anita and I debated twice. On the first debate, I was... I shall say... "shit scared" for lack of a better expression. It turned out okay I guess. That was the very first time I was able to try out the whip speaker format that Donita taught me. I was floored by the opening house speakers. They were just short of amazing, but they were much better that I was. We came in third. I didn't expect to win anyways. Before the second debate had started, I had managed to calm myself down and think with a level head. I let myself think that I could counter our previous loss by emerging the champions of that round... at least that was before the motion was announced. The motion was " This house shall do a...

I am going to so miss everyone and everything. Good luck to you and when you do have a day off, well, remember that I love food too and we can love food together. My Mum has been giving me a tough time lately and I just don't have the energy to fight anymore so I'm just going to let her regain a little more control over my life. Its so annoying having a control freak for a mother. Sadly I can't really buy her a ticket back home anymore. Anyways, I'm wishing that the rest of the family fly back to the Philippines this coming Christmas, just so that I can have a little bit of time to breathe.

Judging is so elementary to our nature. We do it instantly as soon as we see a person walking down the street. We make assumptions about people's motives and priorities because of their dressing, words and actions. We stereotype just because it makes processing information easier. But ladies and gents, we can not be summed up only by our actions or lack thereof simply because of the fact that we do not act on our every whim for certain reasons which may or may not be unique to our personality. Not every thought is broadcast for the entire world to see. There is a part within each of us that remains unexposed, undiscussed and hidden from other people's perspectives and it is very much a part of our personality as what we put out there. They say don't judge a book by its cover, but book covers are made to be judged. It is quite possible that the cover can appear fairly detached from the contents of the book in terms of the image or feel that it portrays because a cover is mea...