Unaffliction

I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I hope it is merely the cyclical affliction that accompanies womanhood and nothing more serious. Maybe its also because I don't quite feel motivated to do anything. Even my usual propensity for hedonism seems to escape me.

Again I have missed out on my promotion. I feel as if I am wasting away while I trying desperately to retain what mental faculties I do have by reading, and listening to podcasts/audiobooks. I don't think I am doing enough though. I can barely imagine living the rest of my life like this (with little challenge) but as of now, one day at a time is tolerable. Just do not think of tomorrow. Deal with the present whilst I build up my reserves.

I feel indifferent, numb. I suppose its better than feeling miserable. It is what I need right now actually. I just need to continue doing what I'm doing till I find something that ignites my passion again.

Lately it seems that certain interpersonal relationships have fallen by the wayside and I'm not quite sure if people still care about me. Its alright though as long as they are doing well and it doesn't really matter if they think of me unless they need me of course - then I will be glad to help. Helping anyone is always fulfilling. I guess people don't realize that the friends I make here are practically my family, since my real one is far away. I think about them often. Its funny that I don't miss them anymore. I guess them leaving me earlier in life served me well. Maybe it was practice for the realities of living as an expat.

I suspect that it was merely my vanity or vulnerability that drove me to seek affection. I do think of them fondly though but I no longer crave to be near them. Don't get me wrong, spending time with them is amazing but I'm just kind of in need of "me time" at present. I hope this isn't what its like to take people for granted. Perhaps. Perhaps I don't thrive as much under social situations as I once did. I was extremely social in my late teens/ early 20s. Lately it exhausts me. Maybe I have just gotten used to this feeling of being by myself such that I have come to enjoy it.

I am content with my solitude. I was once a hopeless romantic and now it seems I have dropped all romantic pretence. I can't have the one I want so really, what's the point? I'm past looking for someone else to want. Its just wham bam thank you ma'am. Maybe this too will fade over time. I'm just glad I'm done achingly pining for a partner. I am just content to know he is well.

All in all I feel un-afflicted. Not quite perfectly content, just taking it a day at a time. Is this the most Zen you've heard me?