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Tuesday was cuckoo! I'll post the pictures later.

The day started off busy and boring as usual. Lunch was pleasant - in the afternoon though, one of our supervisors sneakily bought cakes to celebrate the two birthdays! It was sooo sweet! You really have to see the pictures. - which I would have uploaded already if my blutooth thumb drive wasn't missing... anyways... yes, check back later to see pics!

Anyways, the night was anything but a waste. I made a sad little attempt to dress up and so did my comrades - I wore heels and... I guess that was something. The reunion was warm and we have successfully made plans for our next little outing.

Details -in case some of you forgot
Date: Saturday 19th December 2009
Meeting point: Orchard road - Ngee Ann City (Tampines Interchange for East dwellers)
Time: 10am!!
Bring: Everything picnic-ey eg, games, brolly, mat, Frisbee and about $15!
Location: Botanic Gardens
Activity: Picnic style brunch?

Sounds good ey? Hehehe. I hope it turns out fun - and I hope that someone brings a freaking tripod so that we can actually have some group photos.

The flyer trip was fun and oddly soothing. We took a bunch of crazy pictures and an agmoh couple who seemed initially amused by our antics, soon grew quite annoyed. For some reason, the sadistic imp in me felt the familiar twinge of pleasure from this.

I was a bit bummed because of my cash constraints - spending really is a pain.

I almost had a heart attack because I thought that I was going to miss my "curfew" which was set at around 10.15. I got home at around 11 and for some reason my mother - perhaps she was tired, accepted my excuse of "training".

I so wish I had an income.

You may notice the fact that I haven't been contemplative lately. Well... I've found that living in my own shallow little box is easier than reading into absolutely everything - oh and the fact that I have barely enough time to think straight because of my MP is serving as an unavoidable distraction.

There are also some minor distractions... hmm... in the romantic aspect of my life. That is an endeavour which I am not willing nor open to pursuing especially at this moment. - A very politically correct statement is it not? Kinda like saying something without revealing anything... hehehe.

On other things, my beloved mother's ascension to the mother-ship was today. I don't quite know how I feel about spending Christmas with Dad and just Dad. Its weird to say the least. I do wish that he went back as well so that I could have a more "party-like" Christmas like the ones we have in the Philippines - where friends and family are allowed to intermingle in their own special way, where my real friends would slip me some whiskey when the folks are not looking and where we can sing Karaoke all day and night... where sleep is not an option and the best present is being with good company.

Its strange, my friends and my family here in Singapore at least, are like oil and water. Mixing them would be unpleasant and potentially explosive - just like that grease-fire-plus-water myth featured in Mythbusters. Back in the mother-ship, friends are merely extended family and parents welcome them with open arms and plates full of food and bottles of beer - its like an alternate universe!

Hopefully Christmas won't leave me sadder than ever. There's always this grim feeling that sets itself like a blanket over my life, when the Christmas season approaches. Although it doesn't show or rather I don't let it - I've had my share of bitter Christmases and tear-filled wishful thinking. Some of you know that my parents haven't always been there and, perhaps their momentary absence has left me with issues pertaining to abandonment. I just hope I don't sink back into a relapse of what happened in secondary school.

I have to learn that my happiness should be independent of other people's absence, feelings and opinions. I should live for me. We all should - but we can't neglect others in the process either. The balance between selfishness and selflessness and joy and sorrow should not be dependent of each other. They are intertwined- I agree, but perhaps it shouldn't mean that its either one or the other. The balance - as I see it seems to lie in contentment, it is neither happy nor sad, neither giving nor receiving... its a compromise.

Oh well... I guess we just have to make the most of what we get - and thankfully we get a lot.

New year's eve presents a strange predicament. I have a feeling that there will be some sort of gathering which my ever so supportive father is going to - however I wonder if I would be allowed to make plans to celebrate it with some of my friends.

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I watch two of my friends, without them knowing... ahhh young love! Its a pity they daren't fight for it.

A shadow cast upon his face.
She tries to tease him with her grace.
She flirts then fumbles.
And then he mumbles ... something imperceptible.

He looks at her, she gazes back.
And was briefly taken aback ... by what he confided.

They share a kiss and a smile so miniscule plays on his lips.

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I mustn't hate,
I cannot cry
I mustn't fear,
And so must lie

To myself and to them
To protect their simple, perfect realm

To keep the awful tears at bay
And banish evils all away

Those I love I must protect
Hence some things I must neglect

My duties are not my only will
So part of me I must kill

For them

Labels: bypolar. poetry

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And just like that she was cured! Whoopee! No more voices, no more ranting, thanks guys!

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Call me narcissistic but I looked my name up in the urban dictionary and lo and behold:

Rowan
An Australian Diety of heavy drinking, useful creation and enthusiasm. Called on mainly while in a state of extreme intoxication. Favours offerings of any alcohol, bestows gifts of really sharp knives, and/or beatings on occasion.

Bwahahahaha!
I don't know about the Australian part.

I love that website!
Here are some definitions which kept me entertained for a few minutes:
Usage:
Doctor: How do you feel.
Patient: Like shit.
Doctor: Well the tests came back, you don't have swine flu. So get the hell out you lazy good for nothing bastard. Come back with a real illness.

People voice
Usage: She so used her people voice when she was talking to that customer over there. Did you hear how sweet she was? She never sounds like that normally!

Friends
People who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. people who make you laugh till you pee your pants. people who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. when you dont have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. knows all of your internet passwords. who would never make you cry just to be mean.
*I love my friends!

Attention whore
Label given to any person who craves attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it. The type of attention (negative or positive) does not matter.
Usage: You're such a good attention whore!
*Note to the ladies I met with on Friday: I think we're all fed up with a particular attention whore. "winks"

Facebook crush

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Its been three straight nights when the skies poured out its wonder on the earth below. Everything was encrusted in sparkles. It was as if the skies had dusted the streets with crystals.

On Friday, I met up with the B8 buddies for dinner. I was thankful to take advantage of the fact that my parents wouldn't be at home till Saturday evening. It was nice to catch up with the ladies amidst delicious food. It was such a pity that the clique wasn't complete. I'll put up the photos later.

Anyways, the walk home was just what I needed to clear out the skeletons and cobwebs in my mind. It was cold, dark and I was getting soaked... but it was nice. I hadn't been in the rain for ages. I know this is going to sound really weird but I really love walking in the rain, especially at night. Its like having a shower outside, with clothes on. Hahaha!

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Is romance really dead?

As much as I would like to deny it, I am a hopeless romantic, though not in the traditional sense. Sure, flowers are great, but gentlemen... I'd hate to break it to you but they are a sham. Their cultivation generates a great detriment to the environment due to the pesticides, fertilizers used and the amount of greenhouse gasses emmited, and to top it all off, they're pretty useless. Chocolate is much preferred. "Winks"

I am a big fan of random acts of kindness, and am usually the perpetrator of such acts. Perhaps though, not in a romantic sense.

Is the physical attraction really the initial spark that ignites a relationship? I mean, how can a person really be attracted to another individual whom he or she does not find even the least bit physically attractive? Beauty and the beast, could it really happen?

Sure, there are some couples who look completely incompatible, one looks extremely hot and the other looks like a plain Jane like me, but surely they find some physical attribute to love about the individual less blessed in the looks department.

I don't know. It just seems like a pretty face and a nice body are the minimum requirements to funding a mate. I know that beauty is indeed skin deep and there is more to a person than mere looks, but can it start from there? Is it okay to just love a person's insides, or is romantic love only generated when there is a tangible aspect to the attraction?

I mean, I can think of a few friends who have the most awesome personalities, but look like the average Joe, and so far, nothing more than a platonic, admiration has risen from that. I wonder it that is true for everyone, or if I have just not had the pleasure of experiencing love for an average Joe yet? Who am I to talk, my love life is practically non-existant, but then again, a twist of fate might just leave me falling for an extraordinary personality.

Ah love, one of the many elusive things in life. Who am I to talk, when I have only felt that way for one person. Then again, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all right?

Keep your fingers crossed my loves!

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In all honesty, my mental state at this very moment can be described in one word, and that is confused.

My mind is muddy and sluggish. I don't know weather to assume, ignore or just remain speculative about the recent developments in my reality. Everything that made sense, no longer does and I am questioning the very foundation of my belief system. Talk is cheap but it sure can catalyse some pretty earth shattering revelations.

Words and actions are what we hear and see, and we can only interpret from there. I used to have this innate talent for reading people and using what information I've gathered to the best of my advantage, but really... I know that its not right to exploit. It never was, and I swore that off a long time ago.

I used to be a bitch. Hated amongst some of my peers yet, influential beyond any body's understanding. I used to enjoy playing games - catty mind games. Now, I don't feel like playing anymore. Perhaps that's what makes me weak, I've lost the edge.

I know that I'm being extremely abstract, and that really is the best that I can do at the moment. I need to figure this out for myself first of all.

I've had the maddest dreams lately. Mad!

I need to think. I need time to think. I need silence.

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Yesterday, I had this freakishly unusual and frightening nightmare.

My mother of all people was pregnant. I remembered thinking, "At that age and that condition, it would be likely that she would die before my sibling would reach apt maturity in her womb". I also remembered thinking that I would even resort to being a surrogate mother for my own sister so long as my mother was kept safe .

In the dream, my mum was dead set on having that child. That tiny monster that I was supposed to recognize as a sister. To tell you the truth, I was furious at the baby for putting my strained familial relationships in an even more precarious position.

It was immensely strange as dreams are, but it made me appreciate my mother even more. It was terrifying.

I know, and have known for years that my mother was no longer capable of child bearing and I know how much of a toll it was on her to only be able to have one child. They've tried many times, five if I am not wrong, and all but one were still born.

I guess I am lucky.

Its weird though, when I was younger, I always had this reoccurring dream that there were four angelic little girls dancing around my head, the strangest part about that though is the fact that only recently did I find out that my siblings were all girls.

A few weeks ago, I actually found out one of their names. My family was watching television in the living room and I made a comment about how there were many actresses whose names came from the root "angel" such as Angelica, Angela, Angelique and Angel. I thanked my parents for not naming me Angel. My Dad responded that one of my sister's names was Angelita - which is Spanish for little angel. That conversation struck a chord with me.

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Some people believe that if you laugh hard enough, for long enough, you'll eventually experience some form of joy.

Now, there is an explanation for this, provided by psychologists and other members of the scientific community. They believe that by performing the act of laughing or taking a pill, the body and the brain especially undergo physiological changes which correspond to the emotion or set of responses commonly associated with that action. This is known as the placebo effect.

Interestingly that phenomenon is used to test the effectiveness of drugs, when half of the patients part of a clinical study are given nothing but the sweet sugary goodness of "fake pills" and some of them do show a marked improvement and alleviation of with regards to their medical complaint.

I'm not sure if the placebo phenomenon is applicable in my scenario but, well... I have been laughing for a very long time, and all that has lead to is the perception that I am indeed a clown, or perhaps just another mischievous imbecile who's sole joy and purpose in life is to entertain others.

Sure, it has brought smiles and laughter to the faces of many of my comrades, and that isn't a bad thing, however I feel as though there is this common misunderstanding which takes place. I am not a clown. I enjoy laughter just as much as the next person and I just happen to initiate this chain of guffaws most of the time.

That does not mean that I have no feelings or thoughts outside the realm of comedy, it does however mean the exact opposite. Now most of you may not know that I am the queen of deflection.

If there is something I do not want to say or talk about, I deflect the idea as subtly as I can. Joking is my preferred method of choice . It generates the much needed distraction from issues which I do not want to face. Perhaps that is the reason why people seem to feel close to me much easier than I do for them.

I do deflect, a lot. I just wish that someone would take the time out of their day to break the sweet, crispy, sugar coating and get to the gooey cream center to what essentially is a tootsie roll - yum!

I do not like letting down my defences. I do not like the idea of someone having the power to manipulate or hurt me - then again, no one does, but it does gets lonely here in my candy land from time to time.

Perhaps I would have to shed my sugar coating for something more revealing, perhaps a light enrobement of milk chocolate instead.

Its Halloween and I want s'mores. I miss trick or treating. I miss dressing up as one of the evil witches. I miss the candy and the fun.