The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

Something someone said hurt me a lot today. Im sure it wasn't that way but it hurt nonetheless. Yeah I'm overweight. Yeah I will probably never have abs... but thats not very important to me. What hurt is that this person thought I had a shitty attitude primarily because I dont work out. Maybe I do have a shitty attitude. People have always liked me for my personality. I liked it because I felt it was something I could easily change, unlike my outward appearance, and I felt like the way I looked never really matched how I felt inside. I've never felt beautiful. And yeah I probably have some sort of stigma with that. Whenever boys would say I look pretty i would think that they're just trying to get into my pants. I've always wanted to look good. Hence the 10 year long make up obsession that took over my life. Lol! But I never believed it. I would feel insecure about the way I looked if my mask rubbed off or if it was a thing I couldnt wear make up to. I still

I think I'm whole now. After all this time of feeling guilty I think I've forgiven myself and, I may be alone in life but I am no longer lonely. Even if no one in the world ends up loving me (apart from my family) I love myself and thats the greatest love of all according to Michael Jackson. Hehehe Three months of just constantly working on myself has taken its toll. I'm finally feeling good when I look in the mirror and happy about the relationships I keep close to my heart.

I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I hope it is merely the cyclical affliction that accompanies womanhood and nothing more serious. Maybe its also because I don't quite feel motivated to do anything. Even my usual propensity for hedonism seems to escape me. Again I have missed out on my promotion. I feel as if I am wasting away while I trying desperately to retain what mental faculties I do have by reading, and listening to podcasts/audiobooks. I don't think I am doing enough though. I can barely imagine living the rest of my life like this (with little challenge) but as of now, one day at a time is tolerable. Just do not think of tomorrow. Deal with the present whilst I build up my reserves. I feel indifferent, numb. I suppose its better than feeling miserable. It is what I need right now actually. I just need to continue doing what I'm doing till I find something that ignites my passion again. Lately it seems that certain interpersonal rela

Yes I love makeup. And perhaps I am vain - or at least highly particular about how I look. Is it because I'm insecure, to an extent I suppose. I was never the most feminine or prettiest amongst my peers and the way I was raised, it was important to be feminine. I grew up a bit of  a tomboy/bookworm. The constant moving around made me weary of making friends and for the longest time I felt awkward in my body. I felt it looked more boyish on the top and a bit too plump in the bottom. When I looked in the mirror I saw this round face that in my mind does not have an ounce of sex appeal. I guess playing with make up made me feel as if I was matching my insides to my outsides. It also felt like I could put on different personas, I could have a rocker chick vibe when I wanted or something less innocuous like just hiding the miserable pimple that was making my life hell. Makeup has become somewhat of a hobby for me. Its a fun form of self expression - just like choosing the clo

I came across an interesting idea recently while reading a book: Sapiens: A brief history of humankind. The book is about how we came to be from a biological and historical perspective. The part that interested me the most is the idea that the reason we have certain psychological yes psychological not physiological traits is because it has been evolutionarily selected from. We like sweets because in our hunter gatherer days it was useful to eat as many sweet things as possible because you could never be sure when the next meal could be and eating calorie rich foods were important to get early humans through harsher seasons where food was not abundant. We feel lonely because we have evolved to be social creatures. We seek members of the opposite gender (usually) because procreation has become enjoyable to ensure our evolutionary success. Individuals who enjoyed having sex were more likely to have offspring. We end up raising our offspring in familial groups because it was the m

I realize that I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. I forgive other people easily, but I seem to have difficulty coming to terms with my own mistakes. It is almost as if I expect more from myself than I do from other people, which is a ridiculous double standard because I am just another person as well. Maybe this is because of how I was brought up. I'm supposed to be proper and "better than those other people". Maybe my folks had some sort of superiority complex or something. LOL! I guess when you learn your morals, its a sort of "copy paste" mechanism when you just adopt what your parents tell you without questioning them because questioning these age old morals would be "disrespectful". I think I was going through this phase of pushing the boundaries and had to find out my own reasons of why wrong was wrong instead of trusting with blind faith what I was brought up to believe. I'm not a goddess. I'm not supposed to be pe

I'm done dealing with hypotheticals, what should, could and would happen. It doesn't really matter because hypotheticals are not what I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I have to deal with reality. As sucky as I claim my life is, I'm sure I have  a lot of things to be grateful for. I can't help but feel down though. I don't quite understand what is going on within me. I feel like life isn't fair, but I've known that for the longest time. Logically, this melancholy doesn't make sense. I can do a few things to help myself. So here it is. For myself as well as all of you who may be feeling the same way. Long sunset/sunrise walks or bike rides Exercise Hanging out with friends Making new friends Hyper focusing on a project or projects Listening to music (not Grunge or Emo) Making music Playing games Cooking Learning something new Traveling I can't say I love my life right now, but there is a lot of potential there. I just have t

I feel like I want a fresh start, a clean slate. Each experience I have feels etched into my skin and I feel like as hard as I try to scrub it off, my skin is stained. Never to be clean again. I scrape against my skin leaving more marks than before. Uglier. I want a do over. I no longer want to be the person that I am. I feel dirty. I feel like I am worth less that I used to and that doesn't feel very good. Granted the vacation has renewed me to an extent. It has erased fatigue and awoken in me a desire to be somewhere else. It is silly to want escape. It is impractical, but I just don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be me anymore. There has to be more for me.

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is grief. It could be over the loss of a special familiarity with someone. Yes that person is still alive and around, available for you to talk to but things aren't the same. Conversations are the shadow of what they used to be. Initially its easy to pretend that things are going to be the same, but reality strikes when you realize that what is lost cannot be regained, that leaves you wanting for more. I feel this way about a lot of people. I feel grief over the people who are slowly losing function of their bodies. They are haunted by things they used to enjoy doing but now can only relive in their heads. Seeing people participate in the things he/she loves while feeling envious and nostalgic. Leaving them hoping for the discovery of a cure within their lifetimes. Life is cruel sometimes. It gives us something we don't know we wanted until it is taken away. I suppose we just take on the world with our new normal, and as

I've never been good with words, I always seem to have to rewrite things because things never come out quite right. You can't do that in a conversation and that's one reason phone calls are especially frightening. I'm not here to talk about phone calls though.   Firstly I want to say thank you to my friends who have constantly told me to say what I mean instead of alluding to it. Speaking about my thoughts has always been easier than speaking about emotions so as a rule, I try not to...because no one does.   No one ever speaks about how they feel, at least in this day and age. We're left guessing what the other person is thinking. Dating is terribly difficult because neither wants to be the loser - as if its some sort of macabre game with emotions and esteem at stake.   That said being able to express myself feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I feel like I can breathe again. Its funny how small conversations can change perceptions. You