The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

It took three hours a whole lot of thinking and a bucket load of courage... but finally I got a TATTOO! :D Yes people, I finally did it, and it hurts. Not a lot, it was tolerable. I think my cousins have a video or something somewhere... Bwahahaha... its my birthday present to myself.

Today is my 22nd birthday and well... its been a while since I've celebrated my birthday. It was nice to see all of those facebook posts and smiling faces of my aunts as the wished me happy birthday. I have to say... 22's not as scary as it all seems. This year I know, is a year for change. A year for transformation, this is when I graduate hopefully and when I find a job please please let that be soon and when I gain more independence from the often choking grasp of my parents. It seems that when change is knocking energetically at my door I feel that the last thing I need is change. Its as if life as I know it is about to turn on its head and well... I liked life the way it was. All I hope for is that I will not merely survive the new set of trials and tribulations coming my way but conquer it. I wish that this stage in my life will be one that I will enjoy as much or even more than the last. - That of course is not my birthday wish. That, is a secret! Although, if you stic...

Here I am in the motherland. The place of my birth and the place where Starbucks costs a mere $5. Ah how sweet it is to be in a place where people can understand Tagalog. Its nice to be reunited with old friends, hear stories and just laugh. Pity my dear ole mom is breathing down my neck. I think that getting away from her for 2 months made her miss me - or rather miss nagging at me. Kidding. Anyways, I just found out that my house is no longer my house. It will belong to the bank if and when my father is unable to pay that one last time by May. It scares me shitles to be without a home. I mean... that house is the only real place which I was able to imagine that I could have a future there. Money is a problem. Then again, money is always a problem... to everyone, everywhere. I hope I get to stay with my cousins on my birthday, hopefully, without parental supervision. I love my folks, but really, I think that its about time that they give me a little more space. I am turning 22 after a...

Please forgive me for beimg extremely superficial but... hey, these hormones can get a little crazy sometimes. Glee has a particularly good looking hot antagonist Mark plays Puck. He sings, dances and when he smiles.... ah. Well see for yourself. Msg me online if you want a Glee episode! Winks! Images from Marksallingmusic.com Notice how Wentworth Miller, Channing Tatum and Mark Salling all have the same hairstyle? I'm a sucker for a skinhead. :P Oh and don't you dare assume that I watch Glee because of this steamy sir, hell no! That show has awesome music and a whole lot of in built irony in the wisecracks. Its my kind of show. Love you too YAS!

You haven't been seeing much of me lately and for that, my dear readers, I apologize. Those of you who know me... know that over the past month, I've spread myself too thin and my obligations and responsibilities have been tugging at me every which way. Over the last leg of my poly life, I've felt like giving up, I've felt a huge sense of loss, I've felt the pressure of having too much to do and too little time to do it and for that, I've been overwhelmed. Perhaps one of the things in which I have a very strong opinion about is what has happened to a dear friend of mine, where a perfectly good friendship was compromised by miscomunication, gossip, heresay and just plain misunderstandings. What a waste. Friendships like those only come about a few times out of a persons lifespan. It is really quite unfortunate because, although I don't particularly see the other party as a friendly one, I was willing to put aside my apprehensions for the sake of my friend. I ...

Ladies... google Vivian Dawson. Ah "faints".

... or are they hiding under a false identity? Its hard to read some people. They tell you one thing, then say something else behind your back. They shapeshift into monsters when you're not looking. They live a life full of deceit and lies. They nurture your ego then abandon when they're done with you. They are user friendly - friendly when they need you and then dump you, lying by the roadside, stripped of your dignity when you've lived off your usefullness. They play favorites. They are opportunistic little bastards. But we love them... the antagonists in our lives... because bitching about them makes us feel oh so good. They make us stronger.

People rarely see me. People describe me as if I were some sort of mirage, hard to see and figure out... or so they tell me. Perhaps its because I like to keep the different aspects of my personality separate, compartmentalized so that when they do come out... they come out in full force and highly concentrated - so you don't see me. You only see parts of me at one time. I think its a defence mechanism. Perhaps, growing up, I realized that the more people know about me, the more power they had over me and the more capable they are of pushing my buttons. I didn't like getting my buttons pushed... So here I hide beneath my many sides.

What is it with me and public holidays? Sadly, Christmas Day was one spent without family. Perhaps my first Christmas with no relatives around at least on the eve. It seemed as if My Father had traded me for a bottle of alcohol - or I should say bottles of alcohol with his friend. He wasn't home when midnight struck leaving me to entertain our guests, without any food at hand. As a last resort, I had Noche Buena (Christmas midnight "feast") with at Mc Donads . Thank lady luck that I was amongst friends prior to that happening so, I still felt as if, maybe, somewhat, I am not as alone as I thought I could be. Perhaps that feeling of loneliness which I have been experiencing is just the effects of the social stigma surrounding social gatherings pertaining to these public holidays. I mean, I grew up expecting company and reunions during these holiday seasons. I know for a fact that people do care for me and I hope to God - if there is one, that that is enough to keep me ...

Tuesday was cuckoo! I'll post the pictures later. The day started off busy and boring as usual. Lunch was pleasant - in the afternoon though, one of our supervisors sneakily bought cakes to celebrate the two birthdays! It was sooo sweet! You really have to see the pictures. - which I would have uploaded already if my blutooth thumb drive wasn't missing... anyways... yes, check back later to see pics! Anyways, the night was anything but a waste. I made a sad little attempt to dress up and so did my comrades - I wore heels and... I guess that was something. The reunion was warm and we have successfully made plans for our next little outing. Details -in case some of you forgot Date: Saturday 19th December 2009 Meeting point: Orchard road - Ngee Ann City (Tampines Interchange for East dwellers) Time: 10am!! Bring: Everything picnic-ey eg, games, brolly, mat, Frisbee and about $15! Location: Botanic Gardens Activity: Picnic style brunch? Sounds good ey? Hehehe. I hope it turns out f...