The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

I realize that I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. I forgive other people easily, but I seem to have difficulty coming to terms with my own mistakes. It is almost as if I expect more from myself than I do from other people, which is a ridiculous double standard because I am just another person as well. Maybe this is because of how I was brought up. I'm supposed to be proper and "better than those other people". Maybe my folks had some sort of superiority complex or something. LOL! I guess when you learn your morals, its a sort of "copy paste" mechanism when you just adopt what your parents tell you without questioning them because questioning these age old morals would be "disrespectful". I think I was going through this phase of pushing the boundaries and had to find out my own reasons of why wrong was wrong instead of trusting with blind faith what I was brought up to believe. I'm not a goddess. I'm not supposed to be pe

I'm done dealing with hypotheticals, what should, could and would happen. It doesn't really matter because hypotheticals are not what I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I have to deal with reality. As sucky as I claim my life is, I'm sure I have  a lot of things to be grateful for. I can't help but feel down though. I don't quite understand what is going on within me. I feel like life isn't fair, but I've known that for the longest time. Logically, this melancholy doesn't make sense. I can do a few things to help myself. So here it is. For myself as well as all of you who may be feeling the same way. Long sunset/sunrise walks or bike rides Exercise Hanging out with friends Making new friends Hyper focusing on a project or projects Listening to music (not Grunge or Emo) Making music Playing games Cooking Learning something new Traveling I can't say I love my life right now, but there is a lot of potential there. I just have t

I feel like I want a fresh start, a clean slate. Each experience I have feels etched into my skin and I feel like as hard as I try to scrub it off, my skin is stained. Never to be clean again. I scrape against my skin leaving more marks than before. Uglier. I want a do over. I no longer want to be the person that I am. I feel dirty. I feel like I am worth less that I used to and that doesn't feel very good. Granted the vacation has renewed me to an extent. It has erased fatigue and awoken in me a desire to be somewhere else. It is silly to want escape. It is impractical, but I just don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be me anymore. There has to be more for me.