Skin Deep
I do not have much control over many of my physical attributes, so compliments on my appearance shouldn't make me feel so good, but it does.
Yes, perhaps I do have a way with my makeup (an obsession almost) but I keep having this gut wrenching feeling that something is inherently wrong with my desire to be physically attractive.
Lets divvy the argument up into two sides (says my ex debater brain)
Firstly, from an evolutionary perspective, its simple. A more average face is a more attractive face. A more average face - should have a more mixed set of genes and hence better fitness. We try to make ourselves more attractive because of sexual selection. The more physically attractive we are (or seem), the more likely we are to find ourselves in the midst of a physically attractive mate.
Now physical attractiveness can mean anything from fat deposits in certain parts of the body to clear skin. These normally indicate health and sexual fitness. I suppose that's why the exotic is attractive too. A person who looks different from you (ethnically or otherwise) is more likely to have a different mix of genes, and hence you can produce healthier offspring together.
Secondly, it is probably the effect of consumerism. I am constantly bombarded with images of beauty ideals. In Asia, its fair skin, straight hair and a slim body. I am being told that I have to fit a mould to be beautiful. Large eyes, voluptuous lips, soft silky hair etc so since I don't have much moolah to go under the knife, I wear make up.
I recently did an accounting of all of my receipts and I am flabbergasted by the amount of money I spend in the span of a few months towards trying to look fly. I don't think I'm consciously looking for a mate (not at the moment at least) and I hardly meet my friends enough to look nice for them. Could it be that I am putting in an effort to look good for myself?
So, there it was: the revelation. I did not even find myself attractive.
Some part of me wants to cover up and hide. I feel like a fraud sometimes. I don't even know if I can post a selfie on the internet sans make up and sans a filter.
I find my self esteem is a pendulum, swinging between "Damn girl you on point!" (with make up on) and "Get it together you slob!" (barefaced).
It saddens me to think of myself in that way.
For me, as a child, people would often comment on how rosy and fair I was when I was living in Saudi and how tan and blemished my skin was when I was in Hong Kong. Hearing that as a child made me want to stay in the shade instead of play on the beach with my friends, lest another adult comment on how unsightly my uneven my tan was.
I can't rearrange the features on my face to produce a more pleasing composition. Maybe I could drop some weight in an effort to obtain an hourglass figure.
My point is I have learn to be happy with who I am because ultimately that's what I choose to be. I can't modify the set of genes I was randomly allotted at birth. I can choose who and what I become and how I respond to the world around me. I can be confident in that respect.
No, it won't change my physical appearance, and I may never be called gorgeous in my lifetime, but I can always strive to be a better person. I can always make an effort to do everything beautifully, and that means that beauty isn't all skin deep.
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