The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

Ladies... google Vivian Dawson. Ah "faints".

... or are they hiding under a false identity? Its hard to read some people. They tell you one thing, then say something else behind your back. They shapeshift into monsters when you're not looking. They live a life full of deceit and lies. They nurture your ego then abandon when they're done with you. They are user friendly - friendly when they need you and then dump you, lying by the roadside, stripped of your dignity when you've lived off your usefullness. They play favorites. They are opportunistic little bastards. But we love them... the antagonists in our lives... because bitching about them makes us feel oh so good. They make us stronger.

People rarely see me. People describe me as if I were some sort of mirage, hard to see and figure out... or so they tell me. Perhaps its because I like to keep the different aspects of my personality separate, compartmentalized so that when they do come out... they come out in full force and highly concentrated - so you don't see me. You only see parts of me at one time. I think its a defence mechanism. Perhaps, growing up, I realized that the more people know about me, the more power they had over me and the more capable they are of pushing my buttons. I didn't like getting my buttons pushed... So here I hide beneath my many sides.

What is it with me and public holidays? Sadly, Christmas Day was one spent without family. Perhaps my first Christmas with no relatives around at least on the eve. It seemed as if My Father had traded me for a bottle of alcohol - or I should say bottles of alcohol with his friend. He wasn't home when midnight struck leaving me to entertain our guests, without any food at hand. As a last resort, I had Noche Buena (Christmas midnight "feast") with at Mc Donads . Thank lady luck that I was amongst friends prior to that happening so, I still felt as if, maybe, somewhat, I am not as alone as I thought I could be. Perhaps that feeling of loneliness which I have been experiencing is just the effects of the social stigma surrounding social gatherings pertaining to these public holidays. I mean, I grew up expecting company and reunions during these holiday seasons. I know for a fact that people do care for me and I hope to God - if there is one, that that is enough to keep me ...