We're almost at the big 30
I met with my university classmate and his wife on Tuesday for dinner and the conversation reminded me how much I loved what I was studying. We talked about how outdated the things we had learnt in school had been and about the many avenues for research that had yet to be explored. It was awesome. Despite the 2 years of relative brain inactivity, I was surprised to know that I could still participate in the debate. "I still got it," I thought, and I wanted then and there to join in on his cause, even as a lackey lab rat just puttering on towards an eventual discovery.
It awakened a hunger I had not experienced for 2 years. I envied how passionate he was and remembered a time when I too would dream of seeing my scientific cause fulfilled.
I feel like I am yet again at a crossroads. The big 30 is approaching and there are many things I have yet to fulfil, and these are things I have been working on for ages.
I don't want to give up on my dreams but it seems like there's hardly enough time to see the world, do different things for work, fall in love etc.
This was driving me into the ground. I feel so ridiculously unfulfilled and dissatisfied at my current state of living, yet I feel a helplessness or sluggishness to do anything about it until my finances improve. I'm tempted to just crawl into bed and hide out for the whole year. It seems incredibly daunting.
People keep asking me if I'm seeing anyone or if I plan on getting married. And the answer is no and yes respectively. I'm a third of a way through and I feel like I'm just getting over my quarter life crisis.
It helps speaking to people about this, older people who have been through roughly the same thing, people who've reached that domestic plateau that I seem to be crawling towards. They tell me to not rush myself, that there will be time and that I am allowed to make mistakes. People who've been through divorces and diseases, accidents and painful losses all seem to be wiser for it. They survived and so shall I.
"There will be time for all of that. Don't rush and if it's right, it will feel that way." This lady I met at Going Om was very reassuring. Granted she was practically wasted but she made sense, she was happy with her life even if it did take a little longer and a few missed turns to get there. There are still lessons left to learn and maybe that's why I'm still working on myself.
In the end, yes it took me a few days to write this post. I needed to make a positive conclusion and I was yet again led to people the same way I was led to my prior decisions, seemingly led by some cosmic author helping me complete my monologue.
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