Broken
I know that this is out of the blue but I felt compelled to write in my blog after years of neglecting it. Perhaps because I hope that it will be the catharsis that I need to push me to move on.
Some days I find it hard to get out of bed. Thoughts of him still drift into my head triggered by the most mundane things which leave me in a crying fit.
Today, I spoke to some of my friends about riding lessons. I couldn't bear to admit to them why I had stopped. It was because they reminded me of him. I know that I love riding and I hate myself for letting him have any power over my emotions and actions.
It seems so unfair.
How did I come to care so much for a person who cared so little for me?
Well, it wasn't always that way. He used to hold my hand and listen to my problems. He would even offer a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what changed but something did and he started putting up a wall.
As much as I would like to hate him, I can't. I owe him too much. he helped me through the most difficult year of my life yet.
Perhaps I loved what he was, but can't come to terms with what he's become.
Why does he linger in my head when it seems like I barely drift into his?
Why can't I just let go, when holding on hurts me so much more?
I can't answer those questions. I just have to learn to take things one day at a time.
Yesterday would have been our anniversary. Half of me yearned to spend it with him, while the other half reprimanded me for wanting that.'
I hate myself for being drawn by his charm. I hate myself for letting him though my walls. I hate that this experience has made me distrustful.
I wish there was a pill that would take it all away: the conversations, the intimate moments, the funny exchanges and all the self directed anger I feel. I wish this was all over because I'm so fed up with feeling like shit.
Some days I find it hard to get out of bed. Thoughts of him still drift into my head triggered by the most mundane things which leave me in a crying fit.
Today, I spoke to some of my friends about riding lessons. I couldn't bear to admit to them why I had stopped. It was because they reminded me of him. I know that I love riding and I hate myself for letting him have any power over my emotions and actions.
It seems so unfair.
How did I come to care so much for a person who cared so little for me?
Well, it wasn't always that way. He used to hold my hand and listen to my problems. He would even offer a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what changed but something did and he started putting up a wall.
As much as I would like to hate him, I can't. I owe him too much. he helped me through the most difficult year of my life yet.
Perhaps I loved what he was, but can't come to terms with what he's become.
Why does he linger in my head when it seems like I barely drift into his?
Why can't I just let go, when holding on hurts me so much more?
I can't answer those questions. I just have to learn to take things one day at a time.
Yesterday would have been our anniversary. Half of me yearned to spend it with him, while the other half reprimanded me for wanting that.'
I hate myself for being drawn by his charm. I hate myself for letting him though my walls. I hate that this experience has made me distrustful.
I wish there was a pill that would take it all away: the conversations, the intimate moments, the funny exchanges and all the self directed anger I feel. I wish this was all over because I'm so fed up with feeling like shit.
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