When does one ask for help?

For my birthday, I want to have enough dough to go back to school.

A friend told me that I should get a gofundme page to help fund University. I find this idea unsettling. I don't feel comfortable letting people invest in me. Perhaps its a self esteem thing. If I get funded by other people, I'm going to be held accountable for my grades and I'll disappoint a boat load of people if I fail.

Secondly asking for money feels wrong because I am able-bodied and capable of earning it myself. (At least that's what I tell myself) There's a whole lot of people needing charity more that I am. Asking for money means I have given up on trying to obtain it myself. I refuse to admit defeat. I think I can do it myself.

My aunt offered to lend me money to finish school too, but I couldn't take it from her. She already does a lot to help out my folks and taking any form of loan doesn't sit well with me. We already owe her so much and I don't want to burden her further.

I don't know. I suspect I might need  medical attention because the hardest thing to do right now is get out of bed. How I feel right now is reminiscent of how one of my friend once described depression. I am a work horse and its exhausting.  I may need a break, but breaks are expensive.  I will keep waking up and doing what I'm doing. That's the only way out of this rut.

Money is a real issue. At least today, and maybe for the next month. I don't feel comfortable living paycheque to paycheque. I'm used to having a decent amount of money put away for holidays or in case of emergencies or what have you. My current situation is causing me a lot of stress. I feel it straining some of my friendships. I know that if these ties break, they were never real to begin with.

If I turn down holidaying with you, a champagne brunch or a late night romp around town, I'm sorry. I promise to catch up some other way. I cooked lunch for one of my friends. It was fun and inexpensive. There are ways around eating out of course or late night partying. Just doing nothing is fun as long as its with the right company. I miss just hanging out, like those times between classes or after club meetings. I'm nostalgic for the simpler days. I wish it were as easy to maintain friendships nowadays. It takes real effort to coordinate and meet up. Everyone is so busy with their lives.

One day at a time. I can do this, and if I can't, I know help is around the corner.

P.S: I don't know if any of you noticed, but I deleted my last blog post. Its my way of staying positive.