The Anatomy of My Thoughts = Rowan-ism

My early birthday gift to myself.

2012-02-11T01:55:00.005+08:00

In the past 2 days a few things have happened. I now have a newfound appreciation for people who can take really good photographs. Granted, I've had my share of good shots from my most amaturish devices, but I realize that those images are not appealing because of the subject matter or the skill in manipulating the device's settings so as to achieve an attractive result. I't is merely a case of good directing.

I just happen to take good pictures of people because I can tell them what to do - in other words how to work their angles. Now personally, I don't think that is a particular skill set. I just think that its a matter of peering into the viewfinder and asking your subject to shift slightly and then actually snapping the photo when the person being photograph looks their best. NOTHING or little to do with actual photography at all - well except for composition.

As for the actual shutter speed, exposure and aperture settings... well....that's why we have cool pre programmed settings built in to our cameras - so that we don't have to use our brains that much.

Here's the reason I'm going all technical on my own ass... I just got myself a Sony CyberShot DSC-HX100V. It takes okay pictures while I'm behind the lens. Granted its not a pro camera... but then again... baby steps people. I need something I can practice on while I learn the ropes. For now... I love it to bits. It makes day to day life just that little bit more well... enjoyable - kind of the same way a smart phone did.

LOVES!

On to something else that I don't love so much. Because I took pictures until the early hours of the morning yesterday - aka, no sleep, I groggily got up at around 10am as I was falling down my small flight of stairs. I was trying to avoid a dead cockroach on one of the steps and - well... I missed a step. As a result, I crashed to the floor palms and knees first, crushing my ankle beneath me.

I didn't break it thankfully enough. It was merely a sprain - less frightening, but nonetheless still inconvenient. Unfortunately because I am allergic to Ibuprofen an analgesic and antiinflammatory, the doctor at the clinic wouldn't even give me mefenamic acid which also does the same thing - which I have taken before... and am not allergic to...to help me get the pain and swelling down. Instead she had me resorting to a Paracetamol and Codeine painkiller. It helps with the pain, but not with the swelling. BOOO!

So now I've got a nasty swollen and ache-ey ankle. So, to avoid having to hobble around the two story apartment I currently reside in, I'm camping out on the couch on the lower floor. Sad.

Loose ends

2012-02-09T06:40:00.004+08:00

Good morning upper east-siders.

I'm back from my long and rather barren hiatus, simply because I feel like I finally have something to talk about again. Or rather I've got some pent up frustrations that I'd like to get off my chest through my rapidly typing fingers.

I yearn for social contact beyond my job. I miss the wide variety of friends I could meet up with when I was just a mere student. I find that now... that I actually have money to spend, to go to the places that I want to go to, there seems to be no one there to go with. Sure I would go alone, but that just screams pathetic to me, and, well I think I already have too much free time alone.

I really miss... well I can't tell you who I miss because I haven't even told that person yet and I think that he - yes it is a he - should hear it from me first. I thoroughly dislike goodbyes, but I feel that it is one of those necessities in life, for our minds to generate a feeling of well being from knowing that a relationship is over or put on hold - aka closure. I feel that most of my life, I've been robbed of closure.

I feel like I have been unable to say goodbye to many people and things in my life in a satisfactory manner. Its as if there are so many loose ends that still need tying. I guess that is also probably why I'm particularly obsessed with tying loose ends like paying for things or paying back debts as soon as possible, before the chance to do so completely vanishes.

I have a few regrets in my life, and those regrets are those very loose ends that I've been talking about. At the moment, I know that I can do nothing about it. I only wish that the time comes around when I do get an opportunity to tie those loose ends.

Maybe, that's the time you'll see me in this blog talking about the love of my life, assuming I ever get him to come over to my side.

Ok. THAT was dramatic. Please don't blame me for my mini personal soap opera. I haven't blogged for ages.

Oh and on a side note... my bestfriend of over (counting of the years in my head) 10 years asked me a few days ago what I wanted for a birthday present. LOL! I guess she must be sensing my dire single status because she suggested getting me a toy for my birthday! Bwahahaha! Well whatever she gets me for my birthday, I will welcome it with open arms - even if it is a boyfriend without a pulse. LOL!

Tumblr!

2011-12-08T04:57:00.001+08:00

A picture's worth a thousand words right? So I've started a tumblr account click here

Have you ever wondered what people would say about you if you died?

2011-12-07T02:31:00.009+08:00

If I passed on, I wonder what people would say about me. Would they say that I was brash and difficult to understand? Would any of my acquaintances actually say something about me that was even a modicum close to how I see myself? I hope so. I hope that somehow, my actions do my intentions justice, because after all, seeing a person for who they are is never as simple as it seems. That's why I only have a handful of good friends who get me.

Some of you may wonder why I've been contemplating the effects of death on my social life, or rather the effects of my social life on the events of my completely hypothetical suicide.

Well the truth is that it recently dawned on me that if I were definitely committed to committing suicide, I more that the majority of people would have access to substances which could definitely aid me in crossing the threshold.

In addition to that realization, hypothetically, if I were to go ahead and kill myself in my room, I gather that it would probably take days if not weeks that someone would notice, because of my working in the twilight hours, it seems that my housemates would not notice anything amiss. Rather depressing if you ask me.

Just in case anyone is worried, all of these ponderings are highly theoretical. I guess I'm just musing about my sense of worth and wondering how much I matter. It is quite a self absorbed idea I guess. I know for a fact that in my 23 years of life, I probably haven't changed anybody's life except that of my parents. I guess, I just can't let that go. I have no legacy...yet. I haven't found a cause that makes permiates to the very core of my being. Something to dedicate most of my free time to and make me feel the need to spread to the rest of cyberspace, my friends, my aquaintances and well... everyone who comes near me.

I want to be passionate about something.

The 19:57 from Euston

2011-11-19T02:34:00.000+08:00

So bloody sweet!

bright

2011-11-19T01:16:00.002+08:00

Eeep! He thinks I'm smart! Yes I am grinning from ear to ear. Granted, I know I am, but it's so nice to hear that someone noticed. Ah, so this is what it feels like to be on cloud nine. Yes. I have a crush, but I'm crushed that we won't be seeing each other for a while.

I'll go ahead and leave that cryptic. No names, no clues. After all, a blog is a public domain. Who knows who's toes I might be stepping on.

ANYWAYS, I haven't touched this space for ages. I'm sorry to whoever visits this page only to find yet again that I haven't updated my blog - that is, if I have any readers at all. :P

Well, in case I do have readers, I'll go on to bore you with the most exciting thing that has happened to me yet. Oh who am I kidding. Nothing exciting has happened to me except well... I started school, and you already know that. But what you didn't know is that I'm not schooling anymore! Oh and I'm not that depressed anymore.

Yes, the whole schooling and working thing has been getting to me lately but it is over now. Well, not for good, just a short break because I'm exempted from this one subject.

School has been a much needed distraction. Or rather, some people in school have. I've met some pretty cool people if you ask me. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to make friends with anyone in my course. I think I even managed to piss some of them off if you ask me. But then again, I do have a tendency to talk very loudly.

Honestly, I am sad to take a break from school. See, there I have some sort of contact with people somewhat my age. I can have some sort of a social life. Pathetic isn't it. Well, at least my hard work and dedication didn't go unnoticed. I just want to get a distinction see. I mean, I might as well try while I'm at it, you know, since this one's my baby. See, I am trying to put myself through school, using my own money and hard work, so why not do well at it.

I've been doing average all this time, but I've also just been coasting all this time. I don't feel like I've put in any hard work prior to this schooling thing. I feel like I've gotten through my life BS-ing for the past 23 years. I've always been scared to try hard, because if I fail despite having tried my hardest, then my hardest wouldn't be good enough. But if I didn't try at all, then it would be effortless if I succeed and not such a big deal if I failed. - A major cop out.

But I am a cop out no more.

Wish me love!

2011-11-05T18:02:00.001+08:00

Just end this already. I am miserable. Gone were the days when all I had to care for was the next school deadline. Now... I have to worry about how many hours of sleep I get a day, where and when I am going to eat my next meal and how on earth I'm going to get to class each day - if and when I have work on the same day and time.I have to worry about what excuse I'm going to give my friends to let them down easy for not being able to go out with them. It is not due to the lack of desire to meet up... But ultimately it all boils down to my being stretched out to thin.There are only so many hours in a day and I require a fixed amount of sleep. I am so utterly frustrated that I can't do everything. I feel so incapable, so meek.I expected more from myself. I thought my life would take off from the moment I got employed, and accelerate even more when I started school, but it seems like all this is keeping me from living. I feel as if I'm slowly slipping out of existance. Further into the depths of solditude. Away from the things and people I love the most. What use is a productive life, if you don't care for what you're trying to produce.Sure, I want a chance to grasp at my dreams. But I never thought that chasing them would turn me into this, a bitter soul-less robot, always bitching and moaning. What use are dreams for the future...if your not even sure that your going to live tommorow.

Tired, Sick and Hungry

2011-10-29T06:26:00.005+08:00

I've been sick for the past few days and to tell you the truth, for some part, I am enjoying it. Yes, the aches and pains and the heaving is barely bearable but there is a good side to it. I get a little time off work, which I needed so desperately to recover.This whole balancing school and work thing is more difficult than I thought.

I really feel it taking a toll on my health, mental as well as physical.I've been much more forgetful lately and on two occasions I had absentmindedly left my laptop - one of my most cherished belongings.The first time, I had left it in a toilet cubicle and the girl who had gone in after me tried to steal it. Here's what happened: As soon as I remembered that I had left the laptop in the cubicle - which was right about the time that I was washing my hands, I just hung around outside her cubicle waiting for her to come out. After what seemed like a ridiculous amount of waiting, she came out of the cubicle.

She passed me and went to wash her hands. I entered the cubicle to collect my prized possesion, but alas, to my absolute horror, it was gone. Kaput! My hands started to become clammy and I fought to keep my composure. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked her for my laptop. I knew she had it all along. No one else had entered that cubicle after me.

The girl spoke in chinese and only in chinese. With my pathetic chinese listening comprehension skills, I did catch some of what she said. Firstly, she denied seeing it. Then I asked her again. She asked me if it was mine... I mean... OBVIOUSLY!! She opened up her bag and viola. Lo and behold, my laptop, stripped of its cover - its cover folded beside it. She frantically explained that she was just going to take it down to the customer service counter. Right. I rolled my eyes.

She handed me the laptop. When I opened it up to see if it was fine, I saw her grimy finger prints all over the screen. Apparently the little bitch had tried to log into the guest account and she was obviously trying to make away with my laptop. The cheek.

The day before last, I also forgot my laptop at school. Luckily, this time round, my schoolmates were more merciful - They actually did the right thing and tried to look for the owner.

Surprisingly, I'm not hating it.

2011-10-16T09:15:00.001+08:00

I'm schooling.
I just grabbed a delicious breakfast at one of the most exotic local food courts, after work. I live in one of the most culturally diverse countries in asia. Life is beautiful.

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Games

2011-10-08T12:30:00.001+08:00

I know that I said that I'm sick of playing games but sometimes it is just neccessary for survival. Oh well...

The two of them want to play games, so I'll let them. I just hope that they know that I'm not the type to just take it just like that. I reciprocate tenfold.

Let the mind games begin.

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is this real? is this over?

2011-08-08T05:53:00.001+08:00

I think that my parents are separating.

I can't say that this comes as a shock to me. It really doesn't. I have said this many times before and I will say this again... All I want is for both of them to be happy. I hate that they make each other miserable... I can understand both sides though.

I just didn't realize that it would suck so much. I mean how could the two people that I love the most in the entire planet make each other so miserable? I don't blame myself. I blame both of them.

They're both so blind. Like... I can se how my Mum's snippy-ness and nagging can bring someone like my Dad to the edge of their sanity... And I can see how my Dad's lies and broken promises could crush my Mum's esteem. That added on with the fact that she's a smart woman trapped at home as a housewife could drive her bonkers.

I just feel really miserable right now. I wish that I could help them resolve their issues. Too bad they think that its better to "shelter" me from all of this.

Im just hoping that one day... If and when I do decide to Marry, I hope that my marriage would not end up like my parents.

Actually... I do love them to bits but well... I really hope that I end uop nothing like them - or at least only inherit the best of both of their personallities.

Thank the gods that this is only happoening now. I could not imagine how I would have reacted if this had happened 4 to 6 years ago. I think surely Iwould have been tempted to do something stupid.

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Why I love Marshall.

2011-07-27T09:34:00.004+08:00

I know I don't look it but I really am a big Eminem fan. I always have been, from the time when I was a teenager who dressed in over-sized clothing and suffering from a severe form of teen angst till... well now. Em has pretty much disappeared for a few years, just doing a few collaborations here and there - till he released Recovery last year, and now the Bad meets Evil EP.

Out of nowhere, my adoration for this hip hop machine was rekindled by the song Lighters. I was surprised that Em was doing something with Royce Da 5'9. Why was I surprised? Well, because I know about the D12 and Royce beef.

Glad they worked it out.

Anyways, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't freaking ecstatic that one of... if not my favorite artist is back in the airwaves. Be it with a few lyrics bleeped out.

I don't know what it is about Marshall Mathers that drives me to the verge of obsession. Maybe because his lyrics are sometimes so cryptic - or double entendres that I just end up listening to his songs on loop - trying to figure out his references.

Take "Had a dream, I was king, I woke up sill king" - now I'm sorry but that just sounds like an allusion to Martin Luther King's speech - I had a dream, now what do you think? Then he goes to say... " this rap nipple is mine for the milking" - milking... sounds like ML King now don't it.

Anyways, I just think that he's for real. He doesn't rap like most rappers. He doesn't just talk about sex and clubbing and so on, his stories are a glimpse of real life. Plus, he actually has a vocabulary.

Just listen... and analyse. There's a lot of verbal irony in his lyrics - a lot of double meanings. When I listen to his songs... its entertaining, and when I take a closer look, I feel like I'm looking at a cypher that I just can't wait to break. That is why they call him a genius.

Ah how I wish.

2011-07-18T05:21:00.002+08:00

Is contemplating the rammifications of uttering what could be two of the most satifying words I might ever utter in my career.

"I Quit!"

A One-step Guide To Being to Unextraordinary.

2011-06-18T03:38:00.006+08:00

To those who let me ride the monster of a roller coaster alone:

Go ahead! Stay in your comfort zone. One day you'll realize that you've spent your whole life in that zone and at the end of it all you would have spent a lifetime with a life not fully lived. What a waste, then again, it's your life and not mine, so frankly I don't give a damn.

Girl time.

2011-06-17T03:02:00.002+08:00

Hanging with the girls and talking about boyfriends, boys in general and all those other girl things was refreshing. I figure we should do that more often. Hang out in smaller crowds more frequently. I loved being able to hear what was being talked about. I love that I can jump in the conversation when I want to and I love that I know whats going on... because this time round there's only one conversation going on at one time.

It was the perfect timing for some much needed bonding.

Sigh... See you soon my lovely ladies.

Party hearty

2011-05-21T06:51:00.002+08:00

From what happened today, I have come to the conclusion that I am in fact immensely as straight laced as they come.

This week I've gone out every other night. I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I didn't even try to lose myself. I was barely drunk.

I realize that the gatherings I still enjoy the most are the quiet but intense ones surrounded by my most intimate of friends.

Granted, I love to dance and flail around like a freak show, but then again that's just probably just due to the fact that I love to perform.

I miss those intimate drinking sessions where you can actually hear yourself slurr over topics that really matter to you. That is so much more ideal compared to the inadvertently mind numming club chitchat about who's hot and who's getting drinks for the slutty girl in the corner.

Clubs are just so sexual. Its fine for the occasional perk but to pick it up as a constant hangout is just both exhausting and depressing because when that high is gone you realize that you feel just as hollow as you started.

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Faith

2011-05-14T00:43:00.003+08:00

Warning: Some individuals may think that questioning their faith in hazardous to their spiritual wellbeing. If you are one of these individuals, you might not want to read the following.

Faith, what is it worth?

Faith is neither good nor bad. It is simply blind, and blind actions driven by blind faith are far less successful in imparting the symbolic meaning behind the rituals to their practitioners. If you practice something blindly, you become a puppet of tradition. Going through the motions without knowing or wanting to know the significance behind them.

Blind faith stems from a satisfied attitude. An attitude that is perfectly fine with things remaining a mystery. When origins of practices remain mysterious, the meaning behind them is lost because the actions are taken away from the context.

Although the idea of Faith itself is imperfect, it is a tool. Faith is internal application. Essentially, it doesn't make the world a better place, but it has the potential to make you a better person - religions give you the basic guidelines, its up to you how you interpret and act on them. Faith without works is dead. I believe that it is your actions that will make a difference in the world. Then again, who's to say that you can't be a better person without faith.

As far as organized religion goes, I don't entirely think that it is necessary. Once you have the ability of connecting with the divine within yourself, you become self sufficient when it comes to religious teachings.

My little getaway.

2011-05-05T01:39:00.016+08:00

My paradise.

I have come to the conclusion that I definitely have a pattern when it comes to the kind of guys I like. I'm still reeling from my whirlwind of a summer vacation. However unfortunately there was no great summer romance. There was however a tearful moment when my uncle and aunt renewed their vows.

Top:This is the picture taken on the couple's wedding 30 years ago. My dad's 3rd from the left on the top row.

Bott0m: Here's a recent picture of the happy couple.

Anyways so I'm not going into the details because well... It was in fact a family vacation and I'm not exactly keen on my family finding out who it was that I fancied.

Yes my friends - I said it, or rather wrote it. I had a crush. It still gives me chills when I think about it. - Ick.

It all started on the boat trip to paradise. I noticed him. He noticed me. We weren't formally introduced by our common aquaitances.

Here's a picture of paradise aka our backyard.

Later that day, we met again - at a street corner. My cousin, his friend attempted to introduce us but well... I still think that it was a major failure.

Cousin: Meet my cousin, the future wedding singer. You know her right?
Me: Hey!
HIM: Yeah... I know her from Facebook.

I looked at him with a raized eyebrow and thought to myself. What the hell is THAT supposed to mean. Oh well I thought. At least he knew OF me.

There were some fairly awkward attempts at making conversation, but we never really spoke. - That my friends, is why a crush is quixotic.

My most memorable moment came the next day. Let me set the scene for you. Imagine being at a church with a fairly small congregation. In that congregation were some of my closest friends and family and... GASP - HIM! I was supposed to sing the duet that the bride walks to. The family's song of choice, The Gift.

It wasn't an overwhelmingly difficult song to sing but I was freaking out because it was in fact a duet. A duet with someone whom I had never sung with or even met till the morning of the event. More specifically, 1 hour before the bride was supposed to walk down the isle. I was having the jitters. Anyways, it turns out that my duet partner was a genious of a man. As we were brainstorming other songs we could sing, any song I named or briefly sang the melody to he would instantly accompany with his piano. His voice was amazing and I felt rather amazed at how good of a singer and pianist he was. I felt like it was going to be a good duet - so long as I could figure out which parts to sing.

Anyways we practiced Endless Love as well as a Tagalog song called Panunumpa or loosely translated as Promise in English. It was brilliant. Till that moment I had never heard of the song Panunumpa but I had to learn it on the spot. With my partner's brilliant coaching, I did.

The nerves took over when the bridal party marched it, and along with them was HIM. You've probably figured out by now that the HIM I was "ahem" fanying was in fact NOT my duet partner - but rather someone else who was involved in the wedding.

All eyes were on the bride whislt I felt as if all ears were on me. I could feel my ears turning red as the high part of the song came in. FOCUS ROWAN! You absoloutely under any circumstance cannot make a fool of yourself in front of these people.

Anyways, it all went off without a hitch. After the renewal of vows, picture taking. One of my most favorite moments. :D

I dread mentioning this but it seems that the guys I seem to like is that they are all butt-pale artsy fartsy photographers with striking dark eyes who seem to like to take pictures of me unguarded. I hate that. Its like they don't give you time to prepare for the picture.

Oh well.

No future in the Philippines?

2011-04-04T10:55:00.004+08:00

Good Morning world!

In case you're wondering what I'm doing blogging bright and early when the sun is shining - well, the fact is I'm still out from night shift. I'm having a wonderful but grossly overpriced sandwich from Starbucks as my supper. Since I started my shifting, I've been counting my meals relative to the time I woke up and since I woke up at 7pm yesterday (8am for normal people)... this would be considered supper.

I have come to the realization that I am excited to go back to the Philippines, not just for my Aunt's wedding anniversary but also my reunion with my friends back there.

Its really strange to look to the future especially now that I feel like I can never hold down my dream job in the Philippines simply because there is practically no demand for it. At least not now. I'm thinking of working in maybe US, Canada or even maybe Switzerland.

There is this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'll try to describe it as best I can. Imagine being of a certain nationality and realizing that you may never have a career, let alone a future in your place of birth. Imagine believing that living in your country is a detriment to your success. I feel so guilty.

I know that being a Filipino is really just being a member of an an imagined community and more likely than not I would derive little or no benefit in entertaining my nationalism, but my awareness of that perspective does not really put my heart to rest. I still feel like a traitor. I feel as if I owe something to Philippines.

Perhaps I do, I certainly enjoy the culture and the language. But nothing I do could repay that debt - well, except maybe if I raised my kids somewhat Filipino.

Then again. Who am I to teach? I'm practically a pseudo-pinoy, since I have not lived there in years and I practically learned everything about Philippines from TV, my parents and my friends - never actually experiencing the life myself. Then again. That is kind of why they call it an imagined community now isn't it.

Sigh. Well, its too late to change my mind now. I have sent in my application for PSB Academy's Degree in Biomedical Science. Que sera sera.

In 20 years

2011-04-02T03:03:00.003+08:00

The pursuit of getting a higher education has - as it should, gotten me thinking. It got me thinking particularly about my future.

See education has a funny way of doing that. It is one of the few ways that we can prepare for the future. It is somewhat like stocking up on canned goods just in case a natural disaster suddenly causes a food shortage. The only difference is that when it comes to education, you don't know exactly what type of information you are going to need in the future. You don't even know for sure that what ever it is that you are educating yourself on would even be relevant in the future. For all we know because of how fast technology is moving, certain jobs could be near obsolete when I turn 30 or even 25.

I was just thinking - while passing by a friend's blog. I was wondering where I'll be in say 10 to 20 years time. I mean, it has dawned on me that I am now 23 years old and my biological clock is ticking. After all, high risk pregnancies start at the age of 30. I was wondering whether I would have kids, or if I'll ever meet a man (or woman - I just put that in because you never know, LOL) with whom I could have a symbiotic relationship with, with regards to romance and intellect. Will Rowan ever find her partner in crime? The perfect sidekick?

Is there or is there not a man for me? Once in my life I thought that I had found that such man, but it seems that I loved the IDEA of our couple-ship more than well the actual thing itself.

I there is this feeling in the back of my mind that I will become an old spinster of a lady, unmarried and unloved by anyone other than her friends and relatives. I fear that idea. I fear it more because I fear being alone.

Granted, we were all for the most part born alone and will die alone, but I can not imagine living a long life married to only loneliness. Perhaps friends and family will help to stuff that feeling back into oblivion but, even when it comes to most of my friends and family, I still feel out of place. Only with a chosen few do I feel like I am fully understood.

Sigh. The cold resonating emptiness of what the future could be scares the living daylights out of me. Then again, there is this lingering feeling that maybe things won't turn out for the worst. Maybe within just a few years, I might find myself coming home to a warm family of my own.

Who knows.

Hand written

2011-03-26T03:41:00.004+08:00

So many things nowadays are printed out. So few things are handwritten. The art of writing, or handwriting in particular is fast disappearing.

The digital age has made it so easy to just tap words into a computer. I find that typing text in to a computer removes some of the art of writing. I mean... the writing becomes soft and easily edit-able. Picture this... you're writing a paragraph in pen on a piece of paper. All your thoughts are recorded... even the ones that you would normally omit from the final written piece.

See when you write on paper, if you write something and then later change it, chances are you'll just cross out that portion of text and continue on writing, leaving that portion of text still readable. - I just think that aspect of it is so honest.

In addition, the manner in which you write the material is visible. If more emotion goes into that writing, the pressure on the pen would be more. If something is rushed, spelling errors occur, the words will hardly touch the lines. The handwriting itself is part of the self expression.

Not just that though. Lets take a moment to compare blogging to writing in a diary or perhaps a journal. In a blog I feel that sometimes, you or rather I, the writer am forced to think about what I'm writing in a different way as I would in a journal - simply because at the end of the day, I will post this thing up on cyberspace.

In a blog entry, you have to consider that your blog is readable to well... whomever wants to read it (unless of course you set it on a private setting - which in my opinion would render your blog completely useless as a platform for launching your you-ness)

In a journal though, ( I don't really like to call it a diary) most of the time you have full control over who reads it, or if it is read at all. A journal for the most part is there for your own reference, it is not usually meant for others to read. Whereas a blog IS!

And... in a debate argument, this would be called the link:
People generally behave differently when they are being watched as opposed to if they are not being watched. The same is true for their written work. Perhaps in a blog entry, I would only publish a post if it was more on the polarized side. I might even change the words I use to become more formal or serious or even more expressive and dramatic as I normally would if I knew that this piece of work would not be published. Perhaps that is done to seem more palatable or impressive to all those who would read my gibberish.

So as you can see, the true-ness and spontaneity of the situation is lost. The words become more worked. The words just become that much more artificial when they aren't captured in their purest form. It is less effortless to write a blog entry than it is to write solely for ones own amusement.

That is why I am starting a journal. - Yes I call it a journal because well... the word "diary" just feels a little immature for me. I won't be writing all of the scandalous details of my every lascivious act (LOL) - I'll only write what I feel matters from an intellectual standpoint. Though, if a moment seems particularly lewd, that might just make it it the books.

Style, Skulls and Rick Genest

2011-03-19T02:08:00.005+08:00

I know I haven't really touched this space for a while but that's only because I've been busy living my life or rather working my life away. Lately I've been obsessed with changing the way I dress. Yes people. No more T-Shirts... unless of course I believe that that shirt is effing awesome. Anyways, I've been having some trouble looking my age... see I really like graphic retro things, but for some reason, they either make me look too old or too young. See wearing vintage inspired things is easy for the petite, because the petite are somehow presumed to be young - so them dressing up in Mum's old clothes actually looks cool. Alas, I am anything but petite so trying on my Mum's old clothes just makes me look dowdy. If I get pret a porter clothes that are vintage inspired though... they either don't fit right or look to damn kiddy when I wear them. Sigh, and so the predicament continues. Ahh... how to match the inside with the outside. Anyways, on to more solemn and serious things...yeah right. Skulls and tattoos - although I may seem like the good girl type, I have gravitated towards well, skulls and tattoos. For some reason, the symbolism that I normally attach to skulls is different from societal norms. Skulls are scary... and are the symbol of death - that is what most people ( especially older generations) feel about skulls - as for tattoos... they're dirty and associated with crime. Blah blah blah. I just wish that people would look beyond the skull's scary facade and realize that it is so much more than just a symbol of the grim reaper. For me, skulls represent life, and perhaps the will or desire to spend it wisely. After all, death is the only thing that is for certain. Tattoos are a form of self expression, and art form and beautiful not only because of its appearance, but also because it can be seen as a form of sacrifice... since it takes pain to get one and it is a life long commitment for most. Although quite a fair number of people like the appearance of tattoos, not everyone would get them. The pain and permanency that is characteristic of a tattoo causes the individual to consider the meaning (or perhaps lack thereof) of the design. The process of actually getting one crystallizes that persons desire to have that tattoo. - I hope that makes sense. For some reason, I feel that there is a very significant shortage of open-mindedness here in Singapore. - Then again, that may just be how I feel because of the people I work with.

Here's a animated thingimebob on how Rick aka Zombie Boy would look without his Tat

Rick Genest did not have a deep meaning for getting his tattoos (or at least that's what he tells us)- and honestly, neither did I but the act of getting tattooed, and well... sort of recording your life in ink is a meaningful one. I mean, life naturally imprints itself on our bodies, though most of the time that record is not so obvious or visible to the naked eye. For example, the act of living actually causes our brains' to physically change and make and break connections. Skin loses its elasticity and as a result this etches a life's worth of expressions in the form of laugh lines. We pierce our ears and get scarred throughout our lifetimes. I feel that getting inked is just an extension of that process. I mean as Dan Brown so aptly put it in his book, The Lost Symbol, "The act of tattooing one's skin was a transformative declaration of power, an announcement to the world: I am in control of my own flesh. The intoxicating feeling of control derived from physical transformation had addicted millions to flesh-altering practices... cosmetic surgery, body piercing, bodybuilding, and steroids... even bulimia and transgendering. The human spirit craves mastery over it's carnal shell."

know it all

2011-03-01T01:30:00.001+08:00

I have been called many names before and some of them have been in the likes of "know-it-all", "show off" and "smart alec".

That is why I consistently find myself in what I call "foot-in-mouth" moments when I speak up about something which I at that time had inadequate information about.

For that I apologize. I am not a know it all. It just so happens that I am outspoken and perhaps a little bit too inafraid of being wrong.

The truth is I normally say whats on my mind because I feel that somehow, maybe that little nugget of information I blurt out may be useful to someone. And... Well I think that sometimes talking about things properly or directly with other people is a much more upright thing to do rather than gossip or listen to heresay. Especially when it comes to resolving conflicts.

I don't claim to know it all... Im not even sure if I even want to be one. So even if I blurt out the awkwardest things, please understand, its more of a compulsion rather than anything.

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Overt Expression.

2011-02-27T03:16:00.003+08:00

I love RSA org. because they illustrate their discussions so well that it becomes entertaining and not so much a chore to watch or listen to.

Anyways, I don't know if you know but I have this fascination for language and how it affects our perception, attitudes and understanding of things and that is one reason why I particularly like this video which explains the difference between the impact of what is said explicitly versus something which is just vaguely implied.

Its an awesome channel! Subscribed.

Black Swan.

2011-02-18T05:36:00.003+08:00

The Black Swan Poster.

Yesterday - or er... the day before yesterday was interesting. Joanne, Felicia, Hamidah and I met up.

We watched Black Swan. It was okay I guess. There was no real plot to it as far as I saw it. The movie showed a glimpse into the mind of well... I guess she was a schizophrenic.

I just thought that one particular scene was especially stupid. It just so happened that that scene was a key scene in the movie. A turning point of sorts.

Spoiler alert - so if you are planning to watch the movie, turn away now. -LOL

So here goes Natalie Portman after she's danced the role of the black swan, thinking that she's killed Mila Kunis. She hears a knock on the door. There stood outside her door a very much alive Mila. In shock, Natalie removes the towel on the floor in front of the bathroom (where she stashed Mila's body - she used that towel to soak up the blood pool left by the supposedly dead Mila)

There was no blood. She opens the bathroom door to find that there was no body inside. She ponders for a moment. Who had she stabbed with a glass shard from the broken mirror. She looks down at her stomach and sees a growing blood stain. She digs around the feathers to find a shard of glass.

She sheds a tear thinking "shit, I stabbed myself" - then goes on to dance the role of the white swan.

Meh... maybe I just over thought it. But it makes me wonder... how could she dance so well for so long without realizing that there was a glass shard in her abdomen?!

I so over thought it... but I can appreciate the art in it. I was after all a ballet dancer.

Seul

2011-02-06T01:51:00.004+08:00

No dearies, my blog has not died despite my many weeks of silence. It seems that I only blog when a thought stubbornly lingers in my mind, making me feel like I am in need of therapy.

There are two things I want to talk about today. One is that I feel all sorts of alone.

It all started when Chee and Jessic fly off to never never land and I rarely hear from them. Next, my housemate, Nica also goes to the land down under, then, my best friend boards a plane to the land of entertainment, Los Angeles and only after a few days, my folks, dear Momma Bear and Papa Bear fly off to Florida. It seems that with each passing day, people just happen to pop out of my daily life.

There are less people to call when I get in trouble, bored or just in need of company. Bummer right? Yep. The strangest thing about it is the fact that these people have flown to places where I want to be.

It seems like the wanderlust within me has been kindled. Maybe I should go away for my birthday in an adventure to... well anywhere really. Everyone says that romance is a solution for my apparent alone-ness (please note that I did not use the word "loneliness" as I will vehemently deny that I am lonely) but to me going out in search of this magical solution would pose another problem to my already problematic life.

Two, I also wanted to post a video I made on here.. but I am afraid that the current computer that I am using has blocked access to Youtube. - I will post it up at a later date.

Sigh. Je me suis tres seul.

Empty

2010-12-27T04:09:00.002+08:00

I don't know if you've noticed but I feel like my latest blog entries lack conviction and resonate with a certain hollowness and superficiality. Perhaps my muse has fluttered to another individual in even more desperate need of inspiration.

The darkness creeps in from time to time. Sometimes the will to feel something than utter neutrality washes over me. Where has that passion and fervor gone? My life has become nothing more than soulless fluff filled with the simple pleasantries of daily life. Its sad to think that some people would be utterly satisfied with living my life but here I am, longing for something more... something immaterial - I don't even know what that is, all I know is ... I'm thirsty for life.

Bleak Christmas

2010-12-26T05:10:00.005+08:00

Christmas again. Well thank the gods that I'm not particularly in the mood for some celebrating because if I was, then I think melancholy and suicidal thoughts would have creeped into my consciousness. Thank you very much for making me a non believer.

Christmas was not a total bummer. Sure it wasn't the warm, gooey family filled Christmas that my relatives have recently taken to, but hey, it was actually fun!

My newly acquired colleagues are a pleasure and even a treat to be around. Perhaps that's because I feel like they are going through the same things that I am. I mean this season I am away from my family and pining for them, and so are my fellow OFW friends. Together in misery? Not really.

I don't mind being with them when the clock struck 12 and even after my working hours, I stayed within the premises. They're all so sweet. <3

Emergency Pharmacy's Christmas Party
...and yes... I was wearing a dress.

Dorian Gray

2010-12-20T04:29:00.002+08:00

I have become rather absorbed by this book entitled The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde.

It has everything I would like in a book. Some romance, some murder (or so I've heard... I haven't gotten to that part yet) and best of all some pretty interesting ideas.

As most of you are well aware, I have this fascination with the idea of hedonism, and complete and utter selfishness, particularly because everyone is "secretly" hedonistic and selfish. We all have these thoughts in the back of our heads (or at least I do) and we simply just refuse or perhaps rationalize not going through those selfish actions.

Here we have a character... Dorian Gray who lived absolutely isolated from the real world, pure and well... unspoiled by anything. Suddenly he was exposed (by Henry) to certain hedonistic schools of thought that leave him completely uninhibited by societal rules... blah blah blah and lives life fulfilling his "evil" id. Then we have this Lord Henry who loves to have Dorian as some sort of play thing to test out his ideas in the real world. He is pretty interesting and he has a gift of summing up societal norms that just makes me go... huh.

Bah. Have I mentioned I suck at book reviews... that's why Maria did all the book reviews back in the day when I was part of the publishing team for our school newsletter.

Anyways, let me just jump into it, here's a couple of quotes from the book,

"It is a sad thing to think of, but there is no doubt that genius lasts longer than beauty. That accounts to the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves in the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts in the silly hope of keeping our place. The thoroughly well informed man - that is the modern ideal. And the mind of the thoroughly well informed man is a dreadful thing. It is like a bric-a-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything priced above its proper value."

Isn't that true? It is ridiculous how we fill our minds with useless things that end up fogging up our thoughts instead of giving them that crisp clarity and direct-ness that school or work would normally require. It actually ends up inhibiting our thought functions. Instead of thinking of a fresh new idea... we dig around in our brains for something - someone else's idea - that has been said or taught to us that may be of some use.

"A great poet, a really great poet is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating. The worse their rhymes are, the more picturesque they look. The mere fact of having published a book of second rate sonnets makes a man irrisisstable. He lives the poetry he cannot write. The others write the poetry he dare not realize."

Been there. Its true though. It seems that what one cannot express in his life (or actions) seems to come out in his writing and well... vice versa. It seems that expression just oozes out of our bodies, if we fear to act it out... it will come out in our words. If we dare to live it, we rarely discuss it.

Perhaps the thing I like most about this book is that it was written in the time when english was just a little bit more expressive and artistic than the way we use it today. In my opinion, we've raped the language and robbed it of its former dignity. To speak now the way they did back then, we would be all too well ridiculed. Sad.

Read it yeah.

No Parents?

2010-12-12T03:46:00.005+08:00

I know two blog entries is a rare occurrence here in Rowan-land, but well... I thought the previous entry. OK... I know this happened practically a week ago...but I feel the need to declare my love for the following people:

Next, I need to get this off my chest... I am so glad that I can finally have my room back. Late shifts are really difficult to do especially when you don't get enough sleep ( or when you're practically living in someone else's room).

I love my family to bits but well... they can get on my nerves sometimes. See, a group of relatives came down to visit / holiday. They outnumbered us and lived for 3 whole days in my room. The little things bothered me and nagged at me. I am an only child and I'm quite used to being by myself most of the time so I have grown accustomed to liking things the way I've made them to be. I guess you could say that I get pretty territorial.

Anyways, when they left for the Philippines, they took mum with them. Its strange. I think my Dad took them to the airport at around 7ish. The funny thing is that its almost 4 in the morning... and He's not home yet!

Funny business? I don't know. All I know is that I'm staying out of it.

Sexy accents?

2010-12-12T02:57:00.005+08:00

WARNING: Prepare for vapid and shallow girl talk. - Don't judge. You have vapid and shallow thoughts too.

Its strange how talking to a Average Asian Joe lookalike with an deep voice and an American accent AND perfect grammar gets me all hot and bothered. He just seems more intelligent?

What is it with that accent? When an girl has it...It just sounds vain and pretentious, but when an ASIAN guy has it, he becomes slightly more sigh-worthy. - And yes ladies... I am rather well aware that I just dissed my own manner of speaking, but I do believe that it is true, hence all of the stereotyping that goes into well... judging me.

I just thought I'd mention that since that particular thought occupied my mind for at least 20 minutes today, and I was hoping that some of you may feel the same way too.

The anecdote. I was dispensing to this well... average Joe as I had put it earlier, and as I explained his child's medication, I was mesmerized by is eloquence. He didn't just say "uhhuh, yeah" like the other fathers, this guy actually gave me the time of day and listened to what I had to say. And he was practicing his "active listening skills" as my former CSAS teacher would have put it. He asked questions and said... "is that so?" and "Wow! I never knew that." I daren't say he was flirting but he was nice. Or at least nicer than most.

I felt this familiar twinge. He reminded me of someone that I had rather taken a liking to. Ah well... its just probably the accent. THAT would explain why my fathers' American accented cousin gets so many girls.

Perhaps its the promise of intelligence that gets me (and some of my colleagues) going. Or perhaps it could be because the guy sounds like George Clooney. I don't really know, all I know is that it can sometimes make me swoon. :P

Just a side note... I've noticed the same effect on guys when a girl has a British Accent... maybe because old school villains had English accents.

Universal Studios!

2010-10-31T07:11:00.006+08:00

I got sick, more specifically, I caught a cold coupled with some phlegm and a little difficulty breathing. Thank the gods that it was really a blessing in disguise. I took 2 days of MC and on the 2nd day, we, my new roomate, Nica's brothers, Nica and I all went to universal studios together just for kicks. Taadaa!

The Gang!

Free Popcorn?! I WANT!!! Manilyn?? Nah. Locked Out. Where's the TRAIN?

Its HUGE!

Hanging out in Egypt. I so wish...

It was fun. The Highlight of the day was definitely the last ride of the day on the mummy. There were only 8 people on the coaster and the Park was about to close. Awesome. So worth suffering through the runny nose. So worth the 2 day MC. Anyways, the Mario or shall I say, Manalo Brothers are now out of town and so is my Roomate of about 2 months. Life is much quieter and well...much "boring-er" as well. Sigh.

Life goes on.

2010-10-20T01:44:00.002+08:00

Adults and children are not that different from each other after all. Working at a Women's and Children's Hospital does have its perks and demerits. Sure, maybe working there won't get me my Prince Charming but hey, it can get inetresting sometimes.

I'm actually rather pleased about my work nowadays. I think I've made some pretty good friends along the way. I even managed to get myself invited in one of my coleagues' hen party. It was fun, having a girls night out on the town, and partying till the club closed down. Its nice to have some filipino friends for a change.

The salary isn't bad either. If I work hard I can probably get about 2,300 + per month. I hope that means that I can save faster, so I can go to school sooner. Oh and on a side note... I have more disposable income and can splurge on myself and my loved ones. I actually purchased a knee length dress recently - and oh its not one of those casual, boyish, I'm-just-wearing-a-dress-but-i'm-really-a-tomboy dresses. It was a really girly pinkish dress. Quite out of the comfort zone for me but nonetheless awesome.

Well, enough about the perks. Perhaps the job's greatest downfall is the fact that I really don't get enough time off... I'm constantly tired and hungry and I barely see my friends and family anymore. Oh well... the ying goes with the yang.

Anyways, I will upload pictures of my purchases soon, or at least as soon as I get a USB link from my phone to my laptop... darn blutooth's faulty. Grr.

Shopping

2010-09-20T05:59:00.003+08:00

I was browsing THE lookbook I came across this picture.

went... hang on... that looks good... and I have that top!

Then it struck me... I constantly seem to dress like the applied science school bum that I once was. I need to get a more grown up wardrobe. Now, here I am on an unwavering qwest to makeover my wardrobe.

I am on the prowl for clothes that a twenty something with a proper job should have, so here I go guys... a brand new me coming to you shortly... guaranteed to look less teenager-ey with every payday.

Oh and I'm sorry for my sudden and uncharacteristic burst of girlyness... I find that there are just some times that I can't hold it in. :P

Bestie!

2010-09-02T21:08:00.005+08:00

The birthday girl and I met up last Saturday, and I gave her the greatest gift that we could both appreciate... a free lunch! LOL, we agreed to meet up at Bugis with no particular food destination in mind, so typically, we decided to let our stomach decide where we should eat. We passed by the restaurants and one in particular made my mouth water.

I turned to Adrianna and said, "I think this is it," and so it was.

There was this strange feeling. Everything was familiar and nostalgic, yet completely new and uncharted. Its nice knowing someone for so long, not seeing them for about 3 years and finally reconnecting again - stronger than ever. It made me realize how far we've come and how much we've actually grown up. Sure, we've changed loads but we still maintained our personalities. It makes for a much more interesting conversation as compared to those we had ages ago... back when we were all emo and dramatic.

Now we have jobs and a whole load of new problems to face, finding men, further education etcetera.

Hmmm... what to eat?

FOOOD! From the MOF. YUMMIEE!

Maria's Icy Noodles.

My Black Sesame Ice Cream.

Shameless camwhoring at McDonalds.

Watching the sunset by the Singapore river... ahhh romantic.

Happy Birthday BFF! LOVE YOU!

Working for a living?

2010-08-24T01:57:00.004+08:00

I keep finding myself in these situations and I always end up hating it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am lucky to have a job, but really, I know that this isn't the job for me. I don't actually hate the job itself, I hate the nature of it... that it becomes so menial and routine and the human interactions that come along with it are often negative or neutral. Although there are some times where I can make the nurses at the triage smile, or perhaps have a nice little chat with my colleagues, customers or shop keepers - I'm still left with this emptiness.

Here I am once again seemingly stuck in a hopeless cycle that robs you of your soul and passion. I work, and let me tell you something about this kind of work. Its the kind of work that drains the energy from within your veins. It offers the much awaited monthly salary and the occasional moment of serendipity when you witness one of life's precious moments unfolding before you.

Well it is a hospital, and that's one of the places where some of the most life changing events occur. Child birth, kid's first doctor's appointment and all of those things but frankly, I don't think that its a place I can imagine myself working in for more than a couple of years. Well, at least until I get my hands on a substantial monetary foundation for my further education.

Sure it is a joy to interact with the tiny sickly patients but, well, dealing with their paranoid and often overbearing parents whom you have to subdue is an exhausting task. One which requires a lot of tact and patience. I mean, I don't want to snap at the already flustered patients. They came to be helped not chastised, however sometimes my colleagues and I can't really help ourselves. We are after all people too. One thing I've learnt is to appeal to the parents' rational side.

Once, I believe it was on the 9th of August, national day. We were highly understaffed and over burdened by the rush of patients. the Emergency Pharmacy just could not handle the bulk of the prescriptions, and the Outpatient Pharmacy was closed for the holidays, so really, we had no other staff to call on. Patient waiting time stretched from the usual 5 minuites to an outrageous 1 hour, so obvously, many patients complained. Many just stared at us, busy and practically falling over ourselves trying to fill the prescriptions. Parents kept trying to get me to check how long it would take for their Queue numbers to be called and I had reached the end of my rope. I was practically throwing bottles of syrup into the baskets, hoping that one would shatter and perhaps earn us a moment of sympathy. I mean we were stressed TOO!

Some parents gawked at me from the edge of the counter, practically at our faces. Obviously they are on edge because their children are crying and so on, maybe they forgot that we were people too, and that some of us had been working for over 5 hours already.

I took a deep breath as I prepared to handle a customer trying to get me to check the progress on his prescription. I just said, simply, "Sir, to look for your queue number and your place in the queue would take me time, and would frankly be unproductive towards your cause... the cause of getting your medicine to you, so please, if you would allow me to just fill in more prescriptions instead of having me check, it would probably be more productive and you're probably more likely to get your medicine sooner" his face morphed from an angry expression to one of sympathy. He gave me a weak smile and took a seat. Phew, I thought. One less angry person.

Draining huh?! I was speaking so calmly when I was furious inside. Now imagine saying that to about 10 more patients. Sigh... sometimes I would just like to ignore them all... but then again...

Perhaps this is the first time I would ever admit this in cyberspace but I realize that I would much rather be with children than adults. See, when an adult does something wrong against another person, you know that they know what they're doing - because at adulthood, a moral judgement has already been established - and their intent is clear, it is to receive some sort of satisfaction in intentionally hurting the other person, you see them becoming plastic, two-faced and deceptive... with little kids though, they don't know what's wrong and what's right so, that two-faced-ness never happens. Children are so transparent. Their motives are clear. "I want that candy bar so I'll take it, and I won't even try to hide it."

What I love the most about small children... they can't seem to suppress their laughter or sadness. If they enjoy something, they erupt into giggles, if they hate something, they'll cry. With adults... tsk tsk. Why is there a communication breakdown with adults! Why can't we all just express ourselves like children do?!

I wonder what life as a teacher would be like...

a weighty topic

2010-08-20T02:40:00.003+08:00

A couple of days ago someone TRIED to jerk me into "REALITY?!?" about my weight. I rolled my eyes - behind closed lids and thought to myself, reality is so subjective.

I don't know if you've heard this before but for some reason, this phrase has come up quite a bit throughout the duration of my life. "You would look so much better if you were just a bit skinnier"

Although I know that I'd be better off lighter - with regards to my weight I know for a fact that weight watching will be a very inconvenient thing, not to mention a rather emotional one. Besides, I'm young. I think my body can deal with my high calorie intake for now.

Here's my thought on weight. As far as I am concerned, I could care less what the scale says about me. At the moment, I can freely eat what I want to eat, and do what I want to do guilt free - perhaps it can be seen as a fairly hedonistic approach to life but lets face it, food makes me happy and worrying about my weight doesn't.

The reason I don't particularly obsess about my weight is simple. I don't want to be bound by the constant fear and stress related to a controlled diet and exercise regime. The way I see it, apart from an extended lifespan (an idea which some people would refute) and the ability to fit into smaller sized clothing I see no real gain from it. Seeing the numbers on a scale go down will not make me a happier person. I refuse to allow a mere number to dictate how I feel about my body.

The idea of squeezing into an "ideal" size is preposterous to me. Why should people I barely know dictate the way I live my life?

Sure, the mainstream society may see me as unattractive, but then again, not everyone likes skinny girls. The idea that one can be beautiful regardless of race, sexual orientation, religion or size is one that I am rather fond of. Succumbing to social pressures will just make me a hypocrite. Fact is, I love myself. I think everyone should regardless of how little or much they weigh. Oh and let me just say, just because someone weighs less does not mean that they are more healthy.

Lets face it. I would probably be healthier and all that jazz but, I wouldn't be the person I am today if I looked any different. :P

When I decide to lose weight, it will be for... bah... I'll change my lifestyle for the purpose of health. My losing weight would just be a side effect. That's the way it should be, not the other way around.

Movies!

2010-08-12T21:49:00.003+08:00

I have always loved the movie Shutter Island since the day I saw it. It reminded me of a somewhat more action packed version of one of my favorite movies (which I've only watched once by the way), The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, and also a bit of Girl Interrupted. All of which have the reccuring theme that reality is malleable depending on the mind which percieves it.

Shutter Island mainly put forth the idea that the qualifiers pertaining to differentiating the sane from the insane are extremely subjective. Which brings about a disturbing notion. The idea is that if something which is treated as a clinical illness is so subject to human error and perception - how can we be sure that it is indeed a legitimate illness after all? Can we? Ahhh just watch the damned movies.

For some reason, I really have a thing for movies that mind fuck. Yep, and Inception did just that. It scrambled my mind. The same way that Shutter Island did. Both left you with your own conclusion of what happened. I watched the movie with two of my friends and we all came out of there with a different idea of what happened. LOL!

Sure there were some major inconsistencies, and a lot of holes in the screenplay, but then again, I do believe that they tried to bite off a little more than they could chew to pull of a movie like that.

Oh the holes in the screen play, here's some I could spot.

If the chemical compound used to put them to sleep maintains the balancing function of the inner ear, why is it that, since they are all really in a plane, the movement of the van in dream level 1 affects dream level 2, when the only thing that should affect the perception of gravity in that case would be the movement of the plane?

What's Leo's token and how is he able to steal his wife's? Note that he stole the top in the dream world, how did he get his hands on in in real life since she knows that he's not supposed to have it? And wouldn't Leo showing her the top in reality show her that she is indeed not dreaming, hence saving her from trying to kill herself?

Blah blah blah, all of which are exhausting for me to think about.

A day in the life of a Pharmacy Technician

2010-07-28T14:46:00.006+08:00

Pour le premiere fois dans ma vie, I received my paycheck. It felt awesome to see that my bank balance was well above the required maintenance balance ($500) and hence, for the first time since I turned 22, I would be free from the $2 fine each month which would normally whittle down my bank balance even more.

Its a rather strange feeling. Everything I've worked for has been towards avoiding the dreaded office cubicle, yet here I am locked in a different kind of box. Sure the box is filled with psychotropic drugs ~~which I am not allowed to procure~~ amongst others but it is a very small box nonetheless.

I kind of feel like the job is a slightly more complicated version of what a Mc Donalds Employee is tasked to do, see, we receive the order (prescription in this case), we fill and pack the order, we double check and then finally we dispense. Very Mc Donald-y.

Ok fine! I guess I AM exaggerating. It is much more complicated than that. Sigh, I'm just panicky when the prescription comes in because sometimes we have to type out the labels (other times, we just scan the prescription) and the dosing and all those little white labels those drugs come with - anyways, there's a 3 to 5 alphanumerical code which corresponds to each drug, and there is no compounded list of all the preparations. - So you're basically stuck with a pretty significant amount of guesswork.

Oh and just to punch up the pressure just a bit more, they give you a time limit. Type, pack and dispense the medication in 30 mins. Phew, but it is getting easier as the days go by.

WORK!

2010-07-18T13:31:00.003+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce to you that I have indeed aquired a job thanks to my lovely friend Joanne!

Please note that I may be overly excited because of the fact that I survived my first interview to get my first ever job in the history of my existence.

Now I didn't exactly want to blog about this till it was 100% official and that only became so on Monday the 13th. After which I was rendered incapable of blogging for the rest of the week on account of exhaustion.

Anyways, details details! I am now working as a Pharmaceutical Technician within the walls of Kandang Kerbau Women's and Children's Hospital or more commonly known as KKH in the Out-Patient Pharmacy. The hours are demanding, especially since most of them are spent on your feet. Roughly, I get 1 and a half day off, I'm on a half day on Saturdays and completely off on Sundays. I work from 9 to 5.30 so if any of you want to make plans - go ahead yeah! 'Coz two weeks worth of pay will be coming soon! :)

Anyways, my first day was cushy. I didn't really do much work but I made friends with the Filipinos on site and I was surprised to learn that two of my schoolmates, Halima and Nazeerah would be my colleagues.

Day two was stressful beyond anything I'd ever experienced, that coupled with PMS and the pressure of a time crunch left me close to tears.

Day three, there was a laxative mishap which my checker thankfully caught. See there is this brand of laxative "Fleet" and they produced both the oral suspension and the enema versions of the laxative. I had misread the prescription and I happened to pack the oral suspension when the patient required the enema. LOL! Well, I learned my lesson. I won't be making that mistake again anytime soon.

Thursday and Friday was a blur.

I am rather sad though, because I was just starting to feel at home. This coming week, I shall be working on the Emergency Pharmacy. A new batch of people, and a whole new set of tasks to worry about... sigh. Its kinda exiting though.

I miss my social life. I miss waking up without the annoying buzz of my alarm clock.

2010-07-10T14:22:00.002+08:00

Here's the deal... here's why not a lot of you have seen me fuming mad. When someone says something or does something that could potentially infuriate me, I sort of delay my reaction so that I could avoid overreacting.

Despite this being ages ago, here's my reaction. I wrote this a few days after everything had happened, because I was hesitant about posting it because well, some of you might think that I'm being oversensitive about things. Anyways, here goes the rant that some of you have heard many times before.

"Something was said today that struck a chord with me. I believe that it will always strike a chord.

Here’s the thing, I have no problem with being associated with domestic helpers, because the fact of the matter is that the Philippines does produce a lot of domestic helpers. What I do have a problem is the idea that I should be ashamed of this.

It is no joke to be a maid. It isn’t easy to admit that you do not have enough of an education to hold a decent paying job in your hometown. It is not easy to realize that you have to leave your parents, spouse and children, in order to better them, and most of all, it is not easy to go to a foreign country, to work for a stranger doing menial tasks. It’s difficult to care for your employer’s children when you know that your children are back home without a mother to care for them. It is heartbreaking when they return to their homes and realize that their children are all raised to be abhorrent of them, because of their absence in their lives.

What many people don’t know is that although a maid may earn pennies here, those pennies do a lot of work back home. That money is used to pave the future for the children, by means of an education. It is used to build homes and rebuild lives which wouldn’t have stood a chance otherwise.

Each generation that goes through it enters the occupation with the mindset that they are doing this so that the next generation will not need to.
Domestic helpers earn an honest keep. It is a last resort for most, and few have enough fortitude to live such a life. Because of all that, I believe that these people shouldn’t be looked down on. They should be respected."

Relapse

2010-06-21T04:07:00.005+08:00

Obsession. From time to time I find myself tethering at the brink of it. Here I am once again and all I want to do is worm my way out of its vice like grip.

Obsession - could it be some dieseased, mutated form of determination? They seem to be enough alike - both have goals and delayed gratification involved. Well, all I know for sure is that not obtaining that "goal", is driving me inches closer to insanity. Its ever so maddening to fixate on something which is so unreachable when you can see that it is only inches away from your grasp. Its as if I were some wild caged animal and the key is within sight just outside the enclosure, almost within reach - taunting me, daring me to force my arm through those bars, dislocate my shoulder - do anything - including self inflicted damage.

Just get out of my head! Leave me alone!
NO! DON'T LEAVE! I need you! I despise you because you remain unattainable.
Stop torturing me! I refuse to be Gollum, consumed by the desire for one object. He had lost everything that made him Sméagol. He settled for survival when he could have lived. ~~And no I am not speaking a foreign language, that's LotR if you who didn't get it.~~

Why is it that the things we want the most always seem to elude us. Is it possible to be content, or is that once again, one of those unrealistic ideals that seem to only exist within the sphere of my imagination?

~~I just proofread and - GOSH! I am so dramatic! Maybe I should channel some of that drama into a script... maybe that would get my mind of things.~~

First Interview

2010-06-19T03:00:00.004+08:00

Today, or well... since its 3 in the morning ....I guess it was yesterday. I had to go through my first ever job interview.

The interviewer glanced at my transcript. As his eyes scanned the page, he shook his head from side to side ever so slightly. I imagined him mentally clicking his tongue at my grades. As he read my CV, his eyes stopped at the internship section. He asked me, why I decided to pursue R&D for both my chosen Differential Research Program and my industrial attachment. Why wasn't I applying for a job in R&D instead?

I asked myself that. I've always believed in working in the R&D industry but short to say, that sector isn't exactly hiring at the moment. Since the recent economic meltdown, it seemed that the main concern of these companies shifted from product development to self preservation.

As a whole, it wasn't as nerve wrecking as I had originally imagined. I found that somehow I had to sell the idea that - despite my lackadaisical grades, I was capable of some sort of success in my future workplace. It was a difficult sell, but I do believe that he somehow saw that I indeed wanted the job and would pounce at any opportunity that was given to me.

I realize that the sacrifices that I have made for debates does indeed have its long term repercussions. It seems as if I have robbed myself of the opportunity to work in a pharmacy and perhaps some much needed job experience.

From this moment forth, I will take what I can get. There's not a lot I can do about the grades I got or the strange lab based internships I had gotten, all there is left for me to do is make the most of them.

I do regret being distracted but I don't regret joining debates. I do regret changing my attachment, however, I am still happy that things went down the way they did - I wouldn't have otherwise met the people I did or learnt the things I did.

My past is a part of me, and hold a great significance in making me who I am today. I just hope some company takes me in...

I'm not used to being so positive - as you all know, but I am trying out that whole "law of attraction" idea. Who knows, it might actually help me pull myself out of this rut I'm in.

lets contemplate the paper qualification.

2010-06-17T02:30:00.006+08:00

I am frustrated by the education system, as many of you probably are. The main focus of this frustration however, is the fact that our qualifications are measured only in paper by means of degrees and diplomas and other various means of certification.

Here's how it works. We take written exams which assigns a numerical value to our knowledge of the topic, with regards to our correct answers. At the end of our course in an institution, if we accomplish satisfactory examination results, we are given some sort of certification to prove that we have at least achieved the most minimal requirements of that institution.

See the problem I have with this particular system is that the knowledge we have acquired though education do not consist purely of our capabilities in answering certain written tests.

I hate that education remains institutionalized even within this modern day and age. See, there are various resources on the Internet which allow for the propagation of knowledge through the young society. It is now easier than ever to learn anything via the Internet.

There are websites available which broadcast the lectures of Yale, Berkley, MIT, Oxford, Princeton and Stamford. One such example is academicearth.org. Today, we can learn virtually any instrument, any skill via the Internet. YouTube.com, ultimate-guitar.com and w3schools.com are just some examples. For computer programming, there is .

All of these resources can increase our skill set - however, most of these skills remain "invalid" until we subject it to some sort of institutionalized assessment - after all, the basis of our employment within the international corporate environment is only that which can be proved by certification

Although not all of us may be privilaged or financially equipped enough to actually go to Yale, MIT or any other internationally known institution, we can still all get a world class education. We are all capable and equipped enough to educate ourselves. The problem with this is that it is not recognized until a formal institution rubber stamps it.

Because the population realizes this, it discourages society to pursue self education because of the fact that it will not be of any use in getting a job. People will be hired not based on their skill set in its entirety, but on what can be quantified by institutions.

I do not like this view on education. I don't believe that formal education nowadays is done in the spirit of self improvement, rather it is based on obtaining a piece of paper which will help individuals get a job.

Formal education is pricy and elitist. It excludes - If you don't have grades of ____ you may not enter. It doesn't take into consideration that test scores do not aplty measure a person's intelligence, and least of all his capablities. I may not test well, but I am capable of more that you can imagine. I hate that universities tell me that I cannot do something because of my grades. Capablity does not consist merely of aptitude in exams, capability takes into consideration drive, passion, determination. and other things that are difficult to convey in words.

Education should not be for sale.

I hope we keep this up!

2010-06-12T03:31:00.009+08:00

Ha - I've been wanting to post pictures up for so long! I love these women! These are the pictures of our picnic at the Marina Barrage - which I had the stress of planning. I don't know who will have the (dis)pleasure of planning the next one, but its so not me. LOL! - It was worth it tho.

Okay, here's the back story.... our excuse to meet up was that we were going to celebrate her birthday - thus, birthday surprize. We decorated a cake at The Icing Room - and no it is not a room in a bake shop for you to play with icing, as Hamidah and I soon found out. Its a shop. Anyways, we met Jessic at Marina MRT and as soon as we got to the Barrage, we were faced with a predicament... how the heck do we get the cake out to surprise Jessic.

Jo and I "went to the toilet" while Fel and Midah distracted Jessic. It was awesome! She had no clue whatsoever - which made me get this nice warm feeling inside. Awww! We still went tromping round Marina Square after and well, due to my exhausted funds etc, I had to once again miss the Karaoke fun. We missed you Yas!

Oh well. I really do hope that we keep having gatherings.

@the barrage

We did some camwhoring at the bus stop while waiting for the rain to pass. And although you can't tell... Fel's ridiculously long arms are shakily holding up the tripod. LOL!

Birthday Girl + Specially designed cake by Fel, Jo, Midah and Moi!

Just one of our incredible jump shots - Landing! - Thanks Nica for the Tripod!

Chalet / Ladies Night

Almost complete.

Polaroid of Chee and Allan. Looks like a little something something ey? He was the only guy and it was nice that he didn't seem to feel awkward.

Everyone - smooshed!

by the merlion - the camera was precariously perched on a nearby jetty like structure.

Bedtime... but still, we couldn't help but camwhore instead of sleep.

The B8 Girl Band! - well, minus me, since I was the photographer.

?

2010-06-07T13:28:00.001+08:00

I'm always on the run to see you.
You catch me staring, drinking you in,
Imprinting every second in my memory.
Your laugh, your silly jokes,
Your quirks... never fail to make me smile.
There is a deeply rooted wisdom that I so admire.

Feeling but not Expressing

2010-06-06T03:36:00.011+08:00

Although most of you may know me as a very expressive person, that is not always the case when it comes to immensely emotional matters pertaining to extremely close friends and family.

Perhaps that is why I’m so expressive most of the time, since I have become accustomed to stifling my emotions them when they are at their peak - I freely express my emotions when they are of lower intensities as an avenue of release - okay, THAT, am not really sure about...but that would explain things. :P

Up till this day, I have a habit of rolling my eyes at the slightest indication of contempt or exasperation and often be labeled as a bitch for it. When you think about it, its kinda weird that the way my pupils would move could trigger such a negative reaction from others. The day that I learnt how to roll my eyes behind closed eyelids was the same day that I learnt that hiding the indicative action would successfully hide the emotion from reaching others.

Lying, it alters perceptions, and I realized that in this world - reality holds no weight.

I learned to lie about my feelings to spare my loved ones from disappointment, fear, anger and what other negative emotions that could come about. It seems that when it comes to serious decisions, the world minus my feelings is a much simpler and happier place. That way, the people I care about could go about making the decisions they do, in pursuit of their own happiness without having to worry about me. Knowing of my emotions has, in the past, clouded their judgement and dissuaded them from doing what (they feel) could have made them happier.

I refuse to have that on my conscience so, if I can prevent it, then it shall be prevented.

Homophobism

2010-05-29T03:52:00.007+08:00

If there is one thing that I really hate, its homophobism.

Don't get me wrong - I don't hate religious people or religions which teach that homosexuality is wrong. I really don't. I wish they would stop discriminating against them. I wish they'd stop and see the light but well... apparently they think that they already do.

Just a few days ago, I stumbled upon a piece of news. It seems as if a christian preschool has expelled a student because his parents consists of two lesbians. Other catholic schools are also rescinding applications of students with gay parents.

It made me sick to my stomach. These students did nothing wrong, yet they are the ones prohibited from getting an education.

On the issue of the school - Yes, the church's stance is that it does not condone homosexual relationships, nor does it allow divorce and adultery, however there are still students who have openly divorced parents studying amidst the walls of that preschool. Double standards!

The main difference between the public perception of divorced couples and gay parents are obviously that divorce is rampant and more socially accepted.

Tsk tsk. Apart from the whole school fiasco, another reason I decided to blog about this is that while I was blog surfing, I came across a particularly homophobic post. It made me sick to my stomach that the only reason that this man hated a group of people was because of a certain preference they had in the way they live their lives.

Then again, this draws me to think about how certain members of religious groups hate members of another religious group for the fact that they do not see eye to eye.

Personally I think that the function of religion is to bring people together or perhaps allow them to better themselves. When a religion becomes the cause or even just the vehicle for the spread of hatred, it becomes counter productive. What's the point? Religion is supposed to unite and generally help us do good. Perhaps condemning homosexuals is their way of expressing that will to do good.

Sigh... I don't understand how a church that advocates forgiveness and mercy can condemn anyone.

___________________

After reading the post again, I realize that I am being hypocritical - but I doubt that can be avoided. See...I started off the post by saying I hate Homophobism. People on the other side are saying that they detest Homosexuality. In short, like them, I am being hateful towards a certain school of thought because it differs from my own.

It once again comes down to an issue of perception. Who is right in this case? I still think that I am because, although I am hateful, the subject of my hate is hateful as well - towards a community which I personally feel attached to. Then again, those people who do express hatred for a group different from their own are probably justifying their actions using the same exact train of thought.

I am wrong to hate however rest assured, my hatred will simmer down to mild discontent because I know that the gay population is gaining more recognition and is starting to be given rights en par with heterosexuals.

- Gosh... the metaphysics exercise we did in debates seems to have stuck.

My confession

2010-05-26T03:35:00.006+08:00

Graduation day was a pain. It was arduous and bittersweet. I didn't stick around with my classmates because I simply refused to remember that as "the last day".

Thinking that it would be the last day I would see some of those faces bothered me and I did my best to not let it show. I ditched the occasion so that I would not have to think about it. Instead I dove into this alternate reality with my friend Mac and My cousin.

That evening, despite my lying to the world with my actions, I could not lie to myself. I was reduced to a sobbing mess under the covers.

The day of the ceremony will not be the last of anything and I refuse to remember it as so. The friends that I have made, I will see them again and the friends I have not made, well, there is little I could do about that. Celebrating it with a final hurrah would generate a feeling of closure, and that was something which I was trying to avoid.

On Monday, I was reminded why I never visited Dunman after the farewell ceremonies. I returned to school to see the debate squad for my much needed closure - a final farewell to all of them. I didn't get that closure and perhaps I never will. I guess it is best that way.

I figured, maybe if I didn't have that feeling, maybe everything could just go on. That statement may sound deluded but I know that it will go on somehow - hopefully those friendships will grow deeper instead of apart. I go to bed with this conclusion - these friends and memories I've made - they're not likely to disappear so soon.

On less emotional things - I've been reading my old logs - you know, reminiscing and all and I have this sense of disparity. I sound less - I would say immature but that's not the right word...I sounded more deluded then. I was in my own world stuck in despair. An alien. I focused on the superficial.

So, just for kicks I took another of those Myers-Briggs personality profiling quizzes and sure enough I had flipped from a strongly ENTP to a moderate ENFP. Turns out that the changes in me can be qualified. I changed from a "thinker" to a "feeler". My stomach churns at the thought that somehow, my capability of being logical has been lessened. I do feel better about myself though.

Are our choices ours?

2010-05-23T00:55:00.001+08:00

Sunny, thanks for uploading this.

I just wanted to share this with you guys who wonder what the heck we do in debates... this was on grad day - I wasn't able to attend.

Ask Away!

2010-05-22T03:27:00.004+08:00

I have been brazenly known for asking questions... sometimes, the wrong kind because of my own tell all attitude. For some reason, I expect that from a lot of people.

Anyways, I have never allowed others to post anything on my blog so I don't really get a response to anything, so... here's your chance to ask any questions - burning or otherwise and I'll answer them as honestly as I can.

Ask me anything at http://www/formspring.me/rowanology/

The speech i needed to make.

2010-05-20T03:29:00.008+08:00

I started this blog on the 11th of May 2007 and its been 3 years and 9 days since then. I began this blog just a few weeks into school and now I feel as if I have come full circle. This blog was with me throughout my three year journey that is my poly life and although my poly life officially ended as of 4pm of yesterday, I know that my journey has truly only begun.

I have gained many friends, met some very interesting people and learned a few things along the way. I can say that I have three and only three regrets on how I lived these three years. - and no I did not make up three on purpose. LOL!

I regret not joining the debates club in year 1, because there I found friends who could understand me and my seemingly unquenchable thirst for wanting to know why the world is the way it is. There, the hazy philosophies that garnered my life crystallized so that I am able to convey them to others in a way that they could understand and accept. Social intercourse became less arduous.

I regret not being able to know some of the people in my course better. Yesterday, I wanted to capture the whole of the cohort and take pictures with many of them. Close friends and acquaintances alike, because now, forming any sort of relationship with many of them is seemingly impossible. Yesterday was the last I would hear from some. There were feuds and misunderstandings which took place and I believe that these needn't have happened. There are people I would just like to have gotten to know and so on.

I regret not putting my education first. Now that I have graduated I realize its full impact. At the time, I saw it as trivial and compulsory. Knowledge is really the only thing that equips us for the future. We are the future. We are tomorrows' workforce. We will make the discoveries and breakthroughs for our children. It is kind of ironic because the knowledge we take away with us are the compounded information found by the people who walked this earth before us. This information from the past is what we will make the future out of. Who are we to know what the future holds and if this knowledge will suffice? We do not know - that is why we study as much as we can because we do not know what we will need.

Perhaps these three regrets can be summed up all in one sentence. I regret not having the courage and will power to push myself out of my comfort zone.

The academia we have absorbed may not even fill a book, but the lessons we have learnt will last the whole of our lifetimes and perhaps even be passed on to the next generation.

Dear classmates, friends and readers, I wish you all good luck in building the future, and this is not the last you will here from me because there is much more to Rowan-ism that I still have to figure out.

Pourqoi? - read behind what you can see

2010-05-17T02:08:00.012+08:00

What’s the point in asking a question, when you’ve already made up your mind? If I answer as you predicted, your suspicions will be confirmed. If I answer otherwise, you'd think I'm lying.

Voilà la solution, ne me demandez pas. C'est simple.

Ah friendships. They're kind of funny eh. I can still be a friend to someone even if I don't principally or actively support what they believe in. I mean, just because you're friends with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to share the exact same opinions or ideals, nor does it mean that you will be willing to scrap your set of ideals to help that friend out. We're all blessed with a brain each - I hope that the whole of mankind would learn how to use their own thoughts and ideas to get by in life. Pour la moment, it is not my fight.

Help!

2010-05-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

I am frustrated. Infuriated and vehemently opposed to my mother’s attempt to control my life. I have never had rules to follow. I only had to guess the rules and obey them. Now, she decides to impose strict rules on me. Now that I am 22 and have a mind of my own, now when I have been too far misguided to be steered back into her “righteous” world she decides to do this?

Where was this eight years ago?

According to mother, I have to go to sleep at 2 am and wake up no later than 10 am. Wow!
My biological clock has been tuned to work in the night for the 10 years that I have been here, and she decides to flip it in just a day?! Uhhuh… that’ll work.

The most frustrating thing is that I play along! I always play along! She will never see the rules as ridiculous because I make it seem as if I’m adhering to them!

I need to find a job, and maybe a friend or someone that I can move in with so that the whole parental supervision problem would just go away.

I absolutely abhor staying at home alone with my mother. Sure I love her but seriously, I don’t appreciate her breathing down my back all of the time! I need to get out of the house! The saddest thing is that she won’t let me.

Emotional blackmail works people! I learnt it from one of the best. It is by far one of the best ways to motivate or shall I say, demotivate a person. I can’t stand being imprisoned by my mother’s loving wrath!

She sees me being “rebellious” and feels the need to respond to it by imposing more restrictions. Yep… good parenting skills.

I almost feel like she’s toying with me because she’s bored of being alone at home all the time. I seriously do not know how she does it! I am about to go MAD from cabin fever!

You can't outgrow bitch.

2010-05-07T00:28:00.005+08:00

They sat there talking, ping pong-ing the blame till everyone on the table was acquitted of it. I don't like it. I thought this kind of petty behavior was beyond this age group. Then again, I guess, you can't really grow out of being a bitch, even if some of you may happen to be male.

Okay, I guess that had to get out of my system somehow.

I'm sure that I also have a tendency to be catty, but I do try to keep my bitching to a minimum, especially when I am speaking to more than one person. - Now let me take this time to apologize to all of those whom I have bitched about, and those people whom I have bitched to for testing your patience and tolerance.

I guess it really is a female thing most of the time. We do love to talk and sometimes when we are caught up with our emotions, or with PMS, we have a tendency to say things without thinking of their repercussions. Intangible words can amount to tangible pain too as we all know - since most of our parents do have a tendency to use a significant amount of blackmail.

See, my main problem about venting is that whoever it is you bitch to is probably going to end up on your side. I mean duh, you don't bitch to someone to be challenged by them, you bitch to someone so that they can agree with you and make you feel better. Anyways, a perception of the other person is built in the minds of people who would otherwise be uninvolved. Now the "bitch" is unable to defend his or herself, because the listener's minds are already made up.

Ah, I remember, when I was referred to as the maid on countless incidences. I did bitch about those people like they did about me. I'm sure that I thought they deserved it at that time. Then again, I am very sure that I was better off just confronting those people, instead of just venting to my friends. Maybe that way, something would have been resolved.

why try to solve the unsolvable

2010-05-06T02:13:00.006+08:00

Shocking! A cat broke into our maisonette sometime past midnight! I wanted to keep him but instead, I settled on getting him to go to my folks' bedroom and watching my Mum chase the thing out the room, down the stairs and out of the house with a pillow. It was hilarious!

Anyways... on to my actual post.

There are no reasons... there are just rationalizations.

We all try to derive meaning from our lives. I wonder why that is? Why do we spend so much time rationalizing life's challenges and scrutinizing the significance of those events? Does it really make us better people?

Think about it, if we keep analyzing our lives, deriving conclusions from it and perhaps changing ourselves, does that really mean that we become better people? I mean who's to say that me now is better than me five years ago? The truth is that we don't really know if we live our lives better. We think that we live our lives better but to truly know that now is indeed better is to compare our previous selves with our current selves within the same scenario, and that is impossible because - as you all know, we can only live one version of our lives at a time.

I guess so long as we feel that we are better people, then that's all that matters, because ultimately our perception of ourselves affects how we react to the rest of the world.

I guess I'll continue to try and answer life's questions even though my attempts may end up in futility, only because doing so would help me feel better about myself.

She sighs with a smile

2010-05-04T13:52:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I met up with a friend I've had for over 7 years. It was nostalgic and brilliantly energizing. It was really nice to have one of those intimate conversations that we always have. The best part was that we still clicked despite the ages we've been apart. You can't fake THAT kind of chemistry.

A bonus was that we saw Vivian Dawson!!

Eeep! He is an Adonnis! Tall gorgeous and totally out of this world! He was coming out of Tampines 1. Sigh...

Anyways, after meeting up with Maria, I headed off to school for debates training. It was interesting... We each had to play different roles. I had to play a Religious Lesbian who has to convince her sister that being a lesbian is bad.

Not a big stretch, but fun nonetheless. I wish I were an actor! :P

Cheating

2010-05-02T03:56:00.008+08:00

I apologize in advance. Blogging about this is completely unlike me... normally I'm all think and no wink, but in this week's been a rough one for me. I've been living in my head too long that some of what's in it is bound to spill out and here it is sprawled all in one page:

What is cheating? Why do people cheat? These are just some of the questions I've been thinking about lately - partially because of the 18th episode of House aptly titled Open and Closed, partially because of my parents -whom depite what they would have you believe... require more guidance than yours truly and partially because of something which only a handful of you know of.

Anyways, this episode of House MD is centered around the idea of infidelity. It, like all good shows got me thinking - not that I don't normally think.

In a romantic relationship, two things are normally present, an emotional connection and a sexual connection. Granted, not all couples in a relationship are having sexual intercourse, but to some level, there is a sexual attraction which comes into play. The more important of the two being that emotional connection.

Now, what is cheating? Is dating, having sex with, flirting with someone other than the partner considered cheating? Maybe. Most of the time I guess. I guess so long as it involves one-upping someone - it is cheating. Some of you would say that flirting is not cheating or otherwise. I think that because sexual drives and needs exist before a relationship, and since arousal is a product of the parasympathetic brain then being sexually attracted to someone is not cheating.

Being attracted to someone is not cheating because frankly we appraise people according to their genes regardless of their intellect - and we do this without becoming emotionally involved. I may think someone is extremely hot but still not want to be in a relationship with them.

So does that mean that cheating is only when someone acts on those sexual desires? Maybe. To most it is - if that is true then masturbating, subscribing to sexually explicit material and mild flirtation is considered cheating so long as you're in a relationship.

Take note though that most of us flirt subconsciously. In this case meeting a stranger's eye and throwing a coy smile in someone his direction would be a massive offense to your partner. I don't think that's it though. I think doing all of those things is only considered cheating when you involve yourself emotionally with another person because that would mean that both criteria - emotional and sexual connection are present with you and that other person - hence, you are technically having a romantic relationship with someone else.

I mean meaningless sexual satisfaction can take place so long as someone is aroused - and arousal does not need the aid of the rational mind to take place. Doing it with someone doesn't necessarily have to detract from the way someone feels about someone else right? We think and feel with our minds not our libidos. Sure its difficult to prove that sex with someone is meaningless...but having a lunch date with someone, not so much.

The idea of cheating is not the same for everyone. I guess it all depends on the rules of engagement between the couple, and what you both consider tolerable. All I know is that if you can't find something in your relationship, the likelihood of you looking for it somewhere else increases. Say my partner (hypothetical of course) were absolutely horrible in bed, but I am crazy in love with him, it isn't unlikely that I would turn to someone else to satisfy that unfulfilled need. That doesn't mean that I feel less attached to my partner. Perhaps if he really loves me he would understand that I need good sex because it - according to Maslow's hierarchy is a basic need. He would trust me not to go beyond sex for physical satisfaction. Then again...if I really loved him...

Question is can we seperate our physical needs and actions from our emotional states - now that I can't answer, no one can.

Ah theories, ideas, talk... We all need practical knowledge! Mwahahaha! - Joke...or is it?

On My Own

2010-04-30T04:14:00.009+08:00

Remember I said that I was oddly addicted to show tunes? I thought I'd share this one with you guys.

I was brought to tears by this song. When I heard it, I remembered why Lea Salonga was my first idol. She's the first asian to play Eponine!

Ah musicals... many of you may not know it, but I love them. I am a sucker when it comes to musicals - you can't make me cry watching a movie on the silver screen, but when it comes to theatre... I bawl my eyes out.

Growing up (when we were still well off) I remember catching West Side Story and Miss Saigon in the theatre. Sadly, I could only watch The Phantom of the Opera, Cats and other musicals on video. Sigh... one day, I will watch Les Mis. One day, I would be able to watch all of the musicals I want. Sigh...

Anyways, the video is below. Sadly, the sound is a bit warbled because of the compression thingie that youtube does. Try downloading the track from aimini.net

Les Miserables - On My Own a composed by Claude-Michel Schönberg with lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer, performed by Lea Salonga.

Listen closely to the lyrics. Such a sad song... nonetheless, beautiful.

Hi, I'm your crazy daughter.

2010-04-28T02:50:00.010+08:00

I know that I am your friendly neighbourhood drama-queen but there's really just too much drama going down these days - even for me, most of which I am not allowed to mention in this blog. I have shockingly avoided being involved in the debates drama, therefore since I am not directly involved... these lips and the secrets behind them shall remain sealed.

Although I don't agree with a lot of what's going on, I know that I am here to stay. In the one year that I've been in it, the program has changed my life. I may not have any major achievements in the field, and I may not be that much help to the juniors however I will do my best to help them. I want to share the experience I've had with others. I regret that not that many people share my views. I pray that few will leave, but ultimately everyone joins the squad to fulfill our own selfish agendas (be it self improvement) - and they will not hesitate to quit for the exact same reasons.

Anyways, on my drama.

I, as do all young people have been lectured time and time again by her guardians. These past couple of days, through this back and forth of conversations and lectures, my parents seem to have realized that there is indeed more to me than what I have been portraying for the last 10 years of my life. They're starting to see through the facade... or should I say, I'm letting them see through it. Its a start.

I'm sick of pretending so I'm starting to stop. There were times though that I wished that I were actually gay. At least THAT idea, my folks would be more receptive to, compared to the of idea me being an atheist - because at least gay culture is highly celebrated within the Philippine culture. Despite their relatively strict beliefs in the Catholic faith, they'd actually rather I'd be Muslim, rather than an atheist. I don't know why it makes a difference actually.

My moral values are the same as they have always been because these are the ones that they have provided me while growing up. My approach to life is the same. Perhaps the only difference is that I would not be going to church every month, and that I could be more vocal about my thoughts.

Its almost as if my parents don't trust that they've raised me properly, as if they don't trust that I can make decisions keeping their life lessons in mind. Granted, I sometimes don't, but I know and appreciate the value behind them. Sure, I may always say that they didn't raise me well, but I know that they did their best and that was enough for me.

Hmm... this is probably why I don't trust myself enough. I hid myself in an attempt to shield them from disappointment and to shield myself from their presumed reaction of rejection. If I am afraid to tell my folks what I believe in, then of course a similar problem would manifest itself in other aspects of my life.

I feared that my very own flesh and blood will not accept me for who I am. I figured that here must really be something wrong with me for them not to think that I am acceptable. This thought crippled me through my teenage years. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me being myself, therefore I should not be ashamed of it. There is however something wrong with them not accepting me.

I'm sure they will, through time, so long as I get them slowly accustomed to it. I mean... its not like my parents are cold & heartless. I bet that despite them not understanding me, they will still accept me because of that little contract they signed when I was born. - They promised they would love me, whatever that takes. I mean, after all... I'm the only one out of the six that survived.

new look

2010-04-27T06:48:00.006+08:00

Here I go again... New blog skin... for the new, more adult portion of my life. Its actually kind of interesting how I started off three years ago with a minimalistic black and white design, and now am going back to that. I guess we all go back to our roots. Sometimes we have to look backwards at our past to find out how to move forward with our lives.

I haven't gotten any sleep yet... I've been playing with headers and different images all through the night just so that I get it looking just right. Okay fine... maybe the header tinkering was just for the the last hour. I was preoccupied with downloading show tunes prior to that. Hmm... I don't know what it is with show tunes lately. Its not really my kind of music... at least until now.

Anyways, I hope you like this new skin. Again it shows my... narcissistic nature. But then again, so what honeys! It is MY blog. I am allowed to indulge in a little self obsession ain't I? I rather think that the new header looks like a book cover eh... maybe it'll be my first.

ah youth!

2010-04-25T00:00:00.004+08:00

I was on the verge of tears when I took the long walk to the convention centre to collect my graduation robe. Yes, as much as I thought it would not feel sentimental and about leaving, I just can't help it. I couldn't stop myself from slipping it over my shoulders and giving a twirl for everyone to see. Picture me wearing the red and gold striped robe, bouncing amidst the smiles of my friends. Sigh. Classic me.

Orienting the freshmen was enjoyable and immensely exhausting. These vibrant and wild creatures came streaming into the room with such enthusiasm that they resuscitated the squad. It was refreshing.

I was pleasantly surprised about how well these jovial novices actually did in their first debate, however, I was even more surprised at how well I debated. Sure, it was only for 4 minutes, but I had this new found manner and I strangely for this one debate, had good structure. Perhaps it was my mindset. I wanted to show them how provocative debating could be. It was such a joy to see them captivated, hanging on every word. Orgasmic! Lol!

Ah how easy it is to impress them. If only it was just as easy to keep them interested.

rose colored glasses

2010-04-24T00:45:00.003+08:00

I have a headache - from not drinking enough. Once again, I've had to exercise my discipline muscles so that I could get to the house in time for curfew... 11pm. Sad. I hate going "home".

On the bus to 101 Elias Road, I realized that I have once again been enamored by a idealized perception of a person, and not the actual person. Ah, why do I always do that? Why can't I just stick to reality, instead of substituting my own biased perception of it? Ah, maybe I was just not meant to live in this reality. - Ironic eh... thinking of my erroneous fantasies on the way to a "fantasy" themed party.

This is why I can't stay in a relationship. I have a tendency of over-thinking things, of glorifying people in my head to the point that they have avatars in my mind which are a far cry from who and what they really are. It always comes as a shock when I discover the discrepancies and well, perhaps the only word I can use to describe my state of mind then would be disenchanted. Oh and this only works when it comes to men.

This makes me recognize how much we all live in our heads and how impactful a cerebrally synthesized pair of rose colored glasses can actually do.

Dreaming...

2010-04-17T02:03:00.005+08:00

I'm so hormotional now, you can't even imagine. Yesterday, even before I had awakened to a new day, I was love-sick. It was absolutely disgusting. It set the tone for these past two days. I find it so embarrassing that I don't even feel comfortable writing the sordid details of yesterday on this blog. Sigh.

I'll leave you guys with a teaser though, straight off of my journal.

"My mind is playing tricks on me. Before I woke, vivid images of romancing fluttered beneath my eyelids. It was odd though. The person in my dreams was someone whom I was completely unfamiliar with. Nonetheless, the interactions between us were flirtatious, tantalizing and needless to say absolutely enjoyable. I dreaded waking up, but my mother's voice (who nagged at me to get up) echoed in my ear, till I finally allowed the sleepy spell to break."

That's all you get. I'd had to moderate that paragraph so that it wasn't dripping of sickly sweet honey, but you get the picture. - Gosh, I wish I could go back to the Philippines. :P

Anyways, I do hope that my new record keeping (via journal) will prove to be useful someday in providing some sort of inspiration for my future writing endeavours. I've wanted to be a writer since I could remember.

I've spent years curled up on my bed while my mind explored the various realities detailed on the pages of books. I marvelled at how authors could capture moments in vivid detail, and condense them so artfully into pocket sized works of art. I wish, I wish.

Ah, dreams.

The Hunt Begins

2010-04-13T05:00:00.011+08:00

As an update on my previous post: Yeah, I broke as an adj. I adj-ed in the JC final rounds and the Grand Finals! Whoot! Diplomacy + Perseverance and a whole lot of luck = :D

Warning: Discussions on Religion. - I know that some of you don't like this sort of thing so... cease and desist.

I need this job to save my family from bankruptcy. Yes guys, I'm not being overly dramatic, as I do have a tendency to be. I honestly need to get a job within 3 months, or else, that $13000 per semester that we saved, is going to come back and bite me in my sweet derriere.

Some of you may already know, I have suffered the great grounding. The first and hopefully the last of its kind experienced by yours truly. It rose from a simple conversation which progressively amplified into what seemed like tens of decibels. There were tears and shouting and some minor disobediences which occurred. Some of the glassware in my house became what could be seen as raw material for mosaics. Simply put, a fight between dear mother and me.

There were also some discussions about religion, where Dad, Aunt and Mother cornered me. Stating that I had "something wrong with my thinking" and that had a lack in faith in the power of prayer. And here I thought no one noticed. Sigh. I denied the fore-mentioned accusations. Stating instead, irreconcilable differences in our understanding of the mechanism of prayer and religion. Their reactions - they want to send me to a seminary to "realize" certain things. I believe thoroughly that the only thing that will be realized in that scenario is my ardent dislike for institutionalized religions, and the people who will realize that fact - my parents.

They claim that they don't want to "change" me... they just want to "enhance" my belief. Oh dear. I mentioned that the word enhance means to alter although not entirely which wouldn't you know it means change! They cry that I am just trying to weasel my way out of the situation - yes, they blamed debating for my "defenitional challenge". Apparently debating is evil, hence I wasn't allowed to attend meetings.

My folks pushing their beliefs onto me is something I fervently detest. Sure, it is their job to guide me, however, this particular approach might push me towards a path which they would consider more distasteful. I don't want to hate the faith, because I am truly fascinated by it. It is something which I do not understand and hence interesting to me.

I am afraid that their actions, which they believe might be for my own good, could leave me with a bad taste in my mouth for Catholicism and its like.

During the heated discussion, my body clenched with the sheer effort of restraint as I ardently longed to profess my faith, or lack thereof. My frustration oozed out of my tear ducts despite my willing them dry.

I wanted to yell, " Of course I don't believe in prayer - apart from its placebo effects, I don't currently believe there is a God to pray to. AND EVEN IF I DID - on the off chance that I might resort to agnosticism in the near future, I do not believe that the God which created us (if he did) would grant our wishes if he could hear us. Why would he? (if he were a he of course) Some would say, because he loves us. Does he? Why? Because he created us? Why did he create us?

I believe that we are the way we are because of random occurrences within the scope of normal situations. I believe that if a God or Gods exist, then we will probably not have the capacity to understand him/her/them, and that we are just kidding ourselves by thinking that we can.

Gosh. I wish I could have said that. However, I fear that I would be disowned by the Villabroza and Sta. Rosa clan. Then again, I don't exactly want to be owned... like a pet, constantly on a leash.

Anyways, enough with the blaspheming.

On to less important things, ah yes, the job hunt.

I have been working on my resume and my cover letter and sending them out to any ad related to pharmacy, health care or medicine which has the words, diploma in Biomedical Sciences in it. Well, all except the ones which say, "Only Singaporeans or Permanent residents need apply". That equates to about 8 applications sent. It is indeed frightening that I am on a social visit pass and on a three month deadline to get a job. Talk about difficult. Few are willing to hire social visit pass holders. Hopefully one will take me in. To make things worse though, the health care industry isn't exactly as healthy as we Applied Science students would like.

Oh well. Wish me luck on BOTH aspects of my life which need fixing!

this could work

2010-04-02T01:51:00.004+08:00

I have been bumped to the adj pool. I feel that it was an inevitable verdict, after seeing the tabs in the NTU website. Sad though. I felt rather cheated. I feel as if when other people voice out my ideas, it sounds a lot better and more complete. However, when it is my turn to explain that very same idea, that brainchild of mine, my composure fails me. Oh what use is a brain full of ideas when it is rather incapable of communicating those ideas to the outside world?

Sure, my friends can understand me, but then again, that's due to months or years of being with me and trying to make sense of the words coming out of my mouth. Alas, to an individual does not know of me, there is a communication breakdown. I really should learn to speak my mind, and justify those thoughts to everyone else. Maybe adjudicating will help me do that.

Startlingly enough, I was only apprehensive of the idea in the beginning. After rolling the idea around in my head, I felt rather accustomed to the idea. I look forward to it. This are uncharted territories for me, besides, I have an inkling feeling that its easier to break as an adj.

I was quite relieved actually. I was anticipating massive matter loading sessions if I were to debate in SMU hammers. I'm glad I don't have to read up as much, or work with people whom I do not know how to work with as a team. Phew.

For my non debating buddies:
- Breaking or getting into the break = getting into the semi final rounds of the tournament
- Adjing or adjudicating, Adj or adjudicator = judging a debate, judge of a debate.

The Weekend

2010-03-31T02:28:00.004+08:00

Friday! Packing, packing, packing and then... debates, and then more packing. After which I just couldn't bring myself to sleep. I was panicked, so I read. I read till about 5 am. I doubt anything sunk in, but the action of researching reduced my stress levels, that is, till I found out that I only had an hour to catch some shut eye. I couldn't, so I arrived in school on Saturday, at 7.18 bleary eyed and with a crazy headache. "COFFEE!" I cried, before the first round of battle could commence.

The weekend was spent in NTU. That was thrilling, stressful and surprising all at the same time. I felt horrible though. I was on the verge of catching the common cold, and voila, before I know it, I'm in bed with a mild case of sniffles, which I think is close to doing me in. Pictures very soon.

I was moody on Sunday though, as a result, I was displacing some of that pent up frustration on my poor teammates. Its not my fault I was moody. If only things unfolded differently, I would have perhaps been... I don't know. All I know was, after the last round, I was sulking in one corner and thinking about things that I had no business thinking about. Ah the men in my life.

We were SUPPOSED to move on Saturday, then Sunday, and finally, yesterday. Monday was spent hauling things up and down the stairs of the sterile looking maisonette apartment.

My eyes watering from the stress, effort and dust mites. I was frustrated. I couldn't unpack most of my things because they used to be housed in a large cabinet/study-table and now... well, the only place for them to go is my tiled bedroom floor.

I couldn't get over how bare everything was, and I was puzzled by the furniture. I spent hours arranging and rearranging it within my slightly larger room, till it had some semblance of homelyness. See, all of the furniture in my room matched, except for this one wardrobe. It was covered in wood laminate of a different pattern from everything else. Major clash! Then out came the dresser within that set and in came my pink princes-ey dresser and side table. It's from a set in my old room. So here I was in my room with clashing furniture, bare mocha walls and enough dust to get me heaving. There was absolutely no storage space for my small Manga collection, books and my files from school.

Mum was on my case and I had just about reached my wits end. I sat on the floor for a cry. The truth was, we were in debt, and I needed furniture and my mum was so stressed out I was worried for her health. I daren't shed a tear in front of my mother so I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath and decided to be grateful for what we DO have.

My rational mind kicked in. I started to unpack what I could, I settled on the placement of my furniture and ran over to get us some food. I placated my mother and helped her out. Today, the house looks like a house. Sure its laden with boxes full of our junk but we can get by. I'm not too happy 'bout my room though. It doesn't fit me yet.

the lifecycle of my interest

2010-03-24T04:10:00.002+08:00

I found this out. Its a very strange phenomenon that I've observed... I don't know about you, but for me, this is how I learn.

A topic becomes interesting when you start understanding it.
As you learn more about it, the level of interest also increases,
When you've learnt a lot about it, it loses its novelty, it becomes less interesting.
And finally, when you believe that you know everything there is to know about that topic, it bores you.

Now, apply that to a person. How can an individual remain interested in another individual for a lifetime? Then again, people do change in time. They grow older and wiser, and perhaps that maintains the wonder and mystery of that individual.

Thank goodness I picked the constantly evolving field of science and technology. God forbid if I study something such as history, which is rarely rewritten. It might just kill me. Anyways, perhaps history does have its saving grace. It helps us predict what will happen in like future circumstances.

Moving out AGAIN!

2010-03-23T22:07:00.003+08:00

Here I am moving out again. While I was packing up 10 years worth of my junk into boxes, I came across a bag of secondary school memorabilia. I wondered where that girl in the pictures went. I wondered if all of the changes I had made to my life and my way of thinking were for the better.

Was I a better person then? I'm sure I am smarter now. I wonder if knowing more makes that big of a difference. I feel dirtier now, more of a conniver, but happier.

If I am indeed happier, it must mean that I'm on the right track right? Or am I just happy because I am wallowing in my hedonistic tendencies?

Everything is changing. I'm afraid I don't want to let go yet, but time is no friend of mine. Time stands still for no man. I need time. I'm not ready for everything to change all at once.

Things to do when You're stranded in Changi Airport

2010-03-19T13:49:00.006+08:00

It seems like Momma's arriving at around 3 now... according to Dad, so I guess I'm stuck here for a while. Good news though, I saw sunflowers. Though not a whole field of them. Just those little walk though displays in the waiting areas.

Hmm... walking around reminds me of Hong Kong. The leaf shaped ceilings, the glass canopies and the wide open spaces look like the Hong Kong airport that I got used to growing up. Sigh... I can't remember a time when I didn't live in between two countries. I guess my family's been doing it for a while now. Shuffling between two countries. Its all I know really. I mean, my first plane ride was when I was 6 months old.

Boy have I changed since then. I used to like travelling, because it meant that I was flying across international boarders to see the people I love. Now, I don't see it exactly that way. My life here and in Philippines has grown in contradistinct directons. Its two completely different worlds. Now, flying just means that the people I love aren't all in the same place with me all the time. I feel that either way, there's someone missing from my life, like it'll never be complete.

I am so drama right? Oh well. Reminiscing over. Back to the real world. I have to find other things to do while I'm here. I think I've overstayed in Mac's. Despite there being an abundance of seats for everyone, people still seem to manage to throw me the occasional dirty look while I'm tapping along on my teeny laptop. Evil people. Grrr.

I hope my laptop's battery doesn't die anytime soon. It's the only thing that will keep me busy till mother arrives. I dunno how I'm gonna meet Donatello and Beej later. My work's not done yet. Gulp. I don't want to be told off.

I wonder where I can hang out in the airport. I was stuck here before, if you can remember. The buss and MRT lines were closed and I had no way of getting home. Hmm...I'll post pictures later... I wonder if I'd be able to find something more interesting than the aeronautics display. Will update you guys on things to do while you're stranded in Changi Airport.

you

2010-03-19T12:42:00.014+08:00

I've been roaming around Changi Terminal 1 and 2 for a while now. My mom's flight got delayed. She was supposed to arrive at 12pm from Vietnam. I suppose that I'll be taking the bus to the budget terminal soon, but to pass the time, I wandered to the aviation display somewhere in level 3.

While I'm here, I couldn't help but think of you, with all of the equipment on display. Its really quite ironic. I barely know you, yet something so random, as a big silver fire suit can remind me of you.

I know. I know. I'm getting more than just a little bit pathetic, but well, frankly, I don't really care. The people who read my blog or at least the people who matter, they know me well enough to know that I can be pathetic. Pathetic isn't that bad. I mean... what would I be otherwise? Superhuman? Everyone is pathetic one way or another.

I am pathetic because I am absolutely fine with keeping my admiration for someone secret - like many of you out there. I can't act on my every emotional whim or fancy. No one can. Everyone knows that. There has to be some level of restraint, something left for the imagination perhaps. There has to be a certain code of social conduct that we have to adhere to, why? Shrugs. Maybe our Asian society can only tolerate so much odd behavior.

Sure, you may be standing across the room from me and I may want to go up to you and wrap you up in an embrace... but I can't. I can only smile when you glance at me.

Anyways, back to terminal 2, I was actually looking for the sunflower garden, but apparently its only accessible to passengers in transit. Boo. Why oh why is it then that they advertise so much when you can't really see it if you just go to the airport for a visit. Only so many people depart from terminal 2. What about the rest of us? We deserve a chance to see those gardens too.

I can just imagine it though... A field of brightly colored sunflowers dancing under the will of the wind, in a futile attempt to touch the eternally unattainable sky. Oh how I wish I could see it. How I wish that from time to time, its not just rays of sunshine that come down to kiss those yellow blossoms.

Adianoeta & double entendres... love em.

So... yes, I like you, but lets leave it at that. Me liking you. Its safer that way. I like keeping this secret, it lets my imagination run wild.

Now friends... your imaginations may be running wild right now as to who that person is... and to that, I smile. Keep imagining guys. Tough cookies.

Tattoo

2010-02-28T23:28:00.004+08:00

It took three hours a whole lot of thinking and a bucket load of courage... but finally I got a TATTOO! :D

Yes people, I finally did it, and it hurts. Not a lot, it was tolerable. I think my cousins have a video or something somewhere...

Bwahahaha... its my birthday present to myself.

my 22nd

2010-02-23T22:04:00.003+08:00

Today is my 22nd birthday and well... its been a while since I've celebrated my birthday. It was nice to see all of those facebook posts and smiling faces of my aunts as the wished me happy birthday.

I have to say... 22's not as scary as it all seems. This year I know, is a year for change. A year for transformation, this is when I graduate ~~hopefully~~ and when I find a job ~~please please let that be soon~~ and when I gain more independence from the often choking grasp of my parents.

It seems that when change is knocking energetically at my door I feel that the last thing I need is change. Its as if life as I know it is about to turn on its head and well... I liked life the way it was.

All I hope for is that I will not merely survive the new set of trials and tribulations coming my way but conquer it. I wish that this stage in my life will be one that I will enjoy as much or even more than the last. - That of course is not my birthday wish. That, is a secret! Although, if you stick around long enough, you might get hints of what is.

Along with age comes wisdom- or so they say. I agree that I am indeed wiser, smarter and perhaps more liberated in my thoughts, but I doubt that is due purely from age. Age is just a number. There still exists a child within me ~~no I am not pregnant although it may look it lol~~ , and I believe that child will always remain. It helps me relate to younger people, relax and be funny. And there is a part of me that is better at giving and taking advice, and is more careful at making decisions. I feel older.

I may not show it, but sometimes it is difficult for me to relate to my peers. Its hard to be amazed by things which I sometimes consider trivial. I love my friends and I pray that I have not grown out of them. I swear I will never outgrow them. We will grow up together.

It does get lonely sometimes though. The young just brush off problems like dust on their sleeves. But I feel like sometimes, I'm carrying a burden too heavy for my shoulders. As if I can't share those problems with others because they won't understand.

At times I wish that my old friends had more time in their hands for me. Its difficult to meet up these days. Those old friends, from Secondary, from Hong Kong and so on, they've experienced many of the things I've gone through and things I am going through, like being the stranger in your own homeland, or feeling like you don't belong. I miss them so.

I have a cushy life compared to my brothers and sisters from my homeland. I thank the fates for that, however, I still long to be a part of the Philippines. To not be so needy when I'm here. I envy those who have grown up elsewhere and are able to rehabilitate into their lives here in the Philippines. I feel that I need to spend more time here. I fear though that I might loose touch with my life in Singapore if I do just that.

I swear I will come back here. I will make a home here and I will learn to live here. I love Philippines. I don't know why. I want to find that reason.

I hate the fact that teasing me of being a domestic helper still upsets me when I know that its a perfectly decent job that many of those teasers are probably incapable of carrying out.

I hate that my nationality associates me with certain sexual tendencies. Weird as they are...

I hate being called a TYPICAL Filipino.

I hate hating those things. I am not ashamed of being born a Filipina. I am not ashamed of my country folk being prostitutes or domestic helpers. I am sad that the Singaporean society at large makes it hard for me to appreciate what I am.

Todo par la familia?

2010-02-17T17:12:00.002+08:00

Here I am in the motherland. The place of my birth and the place where Starbucks costs a mere $5. Ah how sweet it is to be in a place where people can understand Tagalog.

Its nice to be reunited with old friends, hear stories and just laugh. Pity my dear ole mom is breathing down my neck. I think that getting away from her for 2 months made her miss me - or rather miss nagging at me. Kidding.

Anyways, I just found out that my house is no longer my house. It will belong to the bank if and when my father is unable to pay that one last time by May. It scares me shitles to be without a home. I mean... that house is the only real place which I was able to imagine that I could have a future there. Money is a problem. Then again, money is always a problem... to everyone, everywhere.

I hope I get to stay with my cousins on my birthday, hopefully, without parental supervision. I love my folks, but really, I think that its about time that they give me a little more space.

I am turning 22 after all.

Oh also, that house I'm talking about, a family of leeches are living there. They take advantage of everything they can lay their pathetic little hands on. I mean... I'm not selfish. I share my things, my food and my space, Its just that... well, if I know that they're capable of earning a living and they conciously decide to not work but instead live out of your pocket at your expense, well, that is pushing it.

I know my dad is the eldest amongst his siblings, and that means that he has to be there when his siblings need him. That's all fine with me, but if any of his siblings become overly reliant on him... that I have a very big problem with.

His youngest brother is a strong and able bodied man who was given his fair share of second chances. He was given a place to live, money to start his own business and so on, by my dear kindhearted father - at the expense of my family's income. He sold that place to live and spent all of that capital on gambling and that man has the cheek to just sit on his bum and eat off his sibling's plates. All I wish for is hat he stop abusing his relatives' kindness and get off of that lazy ass and get a job and get a life of his own. Earn a living for his wife, three children and his grandson.

I don't know how it got this bad. I just hope it ends. And I want my house back!

Glee

2010-02-13T02:22:00.005+08:00

Please forgive me for beimg extremely superficial but... hey, these hormones can get a little crazy sometimes. Glee has a particularly ~~good looking~~ hot antagonist Mark plays Puck. He sings, dances and when he smiles.... ah. Well see for yourself. Msg me online if you want a Glee episode! Winks!

Images from Marksallingmusic.com

Notice how Wentworth Miller, Channing Tatum and Mark Salling all have the same hairstyle? I'm a sucker for a skinhead. :P

Oh and don't you dare assume that I watch Glee because of this steamy sir, hell no! That show has awesome music and a whole lot of in built irony in the wisecracks. Its my kind of show.

Love you too YAS! <3

Tis loss that teaches

2010-02-12T00:07:00.006+08:00

You haven't been seeing much of me lately and for that, my dear readers, I apologize. Those of you who know me... know that over the past month, I've spread myself too thin and my obligations and responsibilities have been tugging at me every which way.

Over the last leg of my poly life, I've felt like giving up, I've felt a huge sense of loss, I've felt the pressure of having too much to do and too little time to do it and for that, I've been overwhelmed.

Perhaps one of the things in which I have a very strong opinion about is what has happened to a dear friend of mine, where a perfectly good friendship was compromised by miscomunication, gossip, heresay and just plain misunderstandings. What a waste. Friendships like those only come about a few times out of a persons lifespan.

It is really quite unfortunate because, although I don't particularly see the other party as a friendly one, I was willing to put aside my apprehensions for the sake of my friend. I simply thought that, there must have been a reason for this special relationship between them and that there must have been something in him that I was incapable of seeing, that she sees.

I know I shouldn't be meddling in issues in which I have completely no involvement in however, I do believe that it is my duty as a friend to provide a listening ear and sometimes do the telling off - right MJ?

Anyways change is the only constant, and today seemed to provide closure for many people. We must all pick ourselves up from where we are, learn from our past mistakes and move on. Keep moving forward as the Robinsons would say.

And friend, you know you deserve someone better, someone who has the depth and maturity to love you the way you know you deserve. This is your first and we all know there will be more to come...

And for you, young sir, you wait and see. You have no capacity to even comprehend what a great deal you had in your hands, you have no idea what you've lost, or in this case, pushed away. You may live to regret these decisions you have chosen to make, or you may not, it is unimportant. At least, if you live to serve no other purpose in life, you at least taught my friend how not to love, how to move on and how to be a stronger person.

I wish you both love on your own terms. You both may not have been right for each other, but I only hope that that friendship that once was, will somehow withstand. If I could leave you both with some food for thought, Ex-es can be amicable... All it takes is some talking.

Whoa!

2010-01-22T02:25:00.000+08:00

Ladies... google Vivian Dawson. Ah "faints".

Do you really know who they are?

2010-01-21T22:18:00.004+08:00

... or are they hiding under a false identity? Its hard to read some people.

They tell you one thing, then say something else behind your back.
They shapeshift into monsters when you're not looking.
They live a life full of deceit and lies.
They nurture your ego then abandon when they're done with you.
They are user friendly - friendly when they need you and then
dump you, lying by the roadside, stripped of your dignity when you've lived off your usefullness.
They play favorites.
They are opportunistic little bastards.

But we love them... the antagonists in our lives... because bitching about them makes us feel oh so good. They make us stronger.

the many sides of me

2010-01-14T12:42:00.003+08:00

People rarely see me. People describe me as if I were some sort of mirage, hard to see and figure out... or so they tell me.

Perhaps its because I like to keep the different aspects of my personality separate, compartmentalized so that when they do come out... they come out in full force and highly concentrated - so you don't see me. You only see parts of me at one time.

I think its a defence mechanism. Perhaps, growing up, I realized that the more people know about me, the more power they had over me and the more capable they are of pushing my buttons.

I didn't like getting my buttons pushed...

So here I hide beneath my many sides.

NEW YEAR Baby!

2010-01-01T01:42:00.003+08:00

What is it with me and public holidays?

Sadly, Christmas Day was one spent without family. Perhaps my first Christmas with no relatives around at least on the eve. It seemed as if My Father had traded me for a bottle of alcohol - or I should say bottles of alcohol with his friend. He wasn't home when midnight struck leaving me to entertain our guests, without any food at hand. As a last resort, I had Noche Buena (Christmas midnight "feast") with at Mc Donads. Thank lady luck that I was amongst friends prior to that happening so, I still felt as if, maybe, somewhat, I am not as alone as I thought I could be.

Perhaps that feeling of loneliness which I have been experiencing is just the effects of the social stigma surrounding social gatherings pertaining to these public holidays. I mean, I grew up expecting company and reunions during these holiday seasons. I know for a fact that people do care for me and I hope to God - if there is one, that that is enough to keep me from losing my mind.

The days which passed after that, I roamed around the streets of Tampines contemplating the damage that a public holiday could inflict on a person's psyche. With a heavy heart, I wandered, desperately scanning the faces of passers by, hoping I'd catch a glimpse, or chance upon someone familiar. I figured being in a crowd was much better than being alone. The silence scares me... because there are no distractions from the miserable truth - I was indeed alone.

No photos were taken, during this beloved public holiday - the first for me, simply because it is one which I can't wait to get out of my mind.

Moving forward... THAT's what new year is about.
2010.

2009 was full of discoveries for me. I made a ton of new friends and reunited with a few old ones. Unfortunately, 2009 was a year in which I was unable to visit my family, so as perhaps a coping mechanism, I have tried to fill that void with friends. They did so wonderfully, of course, that is until each of them have to tend to their own families.

That made me appreciate what exactly my family does for me. They will probably never truly understand me like my friends do, but they will never stop trying to. I may never be able to tell them everything, but I know as long as those precious blood ties exist, there will always be someone somewhere looking out for me. Friends and family. I love you guys.

My mind was cracked open, and new realities and perceptions were revealed to me upon joining my CCA. The passion to learn new things was once again ignited and of course a group of friends presented themselves.

Love was once again elusive, although there were a few close calls.

In 2009 I finally found a place for this square peg. Its such a shame though that it took me so long to meet these people... and I'm not just talking about you debaters out there. Winks! You know who you are!

2009 was full of fun, exploration and love for life.

Lets drop kick 2009's difficulties out of the picture and take the lessons learnt through that to heart, and kick ass on 2010!

the Christmass-ey feeling of... gloom?

2009-12-11T00:21:00.003+08:00

Tuesday was cuckoo! I'll post the pictures later.

The day started off busy and boring as usual. Lunch was pleasant - in the afternoon though, one of our supervisors sneakily bought cakes to celebrate the two birthdays! It was sooo sweet! You really have to see the pictures. - which I would have uploaded already if my blutooth thumb drive wasn't missing... anyways... yes, check back later to see pics!

Anyways, the night was anything but a waste. I made a sad little attempt to dress up and so did my comrades - I wore heels and... I guess that was something. The reunion was warm and we have successfully made plans for our next little outing.

Details -in case some of you forgot
Date: Saturday 19th December 2009
Meeting point: Orchard road - Ngee Ann City (Tampines Interchange for East dwellers)
Time: 10am!!
Bring: Everything picnic-ey eg, games, brolly, mat, Frisbee and about $15!
Location: Botanic Gardens
Activity: Picnic style brunch?

Sounds good ey? Hehehe. I hope it turns out fun - and I hope that someone brings a freaking tripod so that we can actually have some group photos.

The flyer trip was fun and oddly soothing. We took a bunch of crazy pictures and an agmoh couple who seemed initially amused by our antics, soon grew quite annoyed. For some reason, the sadistic imp in me felt the familiar twinge of pleasure from this.

I was a bit bummed because of my cash constraints - spending really is a pain.

I almost had a heart attack because I thought that I was going to miss my "curfew" which was set at around 10.15. I got home at around 11 and for some reason my mother - perhaps she was tired, accepted my excuse of "training".

I so wish I had an income.

You may notice the fact that I haven't been contemplative lately. Well... I've found that living in my own shallow little box is easier than reading into absolutely everything - oh and the fact that I have barely enough time to think straight because of my MP is serving as an unavoidable distraction.

There are also some minor distractions... hmm... in the romantic aspect of my life. That is an endeavour which I am not willing nor open to pursuing especially at this moment. - A very politically correct statement is it not? Kinda like saying something without revealing anything... hehehe.

On other things, my beloved mother's ascension to the mother-ship was today. I don't quite know how I feel about spending Christmas with Dad and just Dad. Its weird to say the least. I do wish that he went back as well so that I could have a more "party-like" Christmas like the ones we have in the Philippines - where friends and family are allowed to intermingle in their own special way, where my real friends would slip me some whiskey when the folks are not looking and where we can sing Karaoke all day and night... where sleep is not an option and the best present is being with good company.

Its strange, my friends and my family here in Singapore at least, are like oil and water. Mixing them would be unpleasant and potentially explosive - just like that grease-fire-plus-water myth featured in Mythbusters. Back in the mother-ship, friends are merely extended family and parents welcome them with open arms and plates full of food and bottles of beer - its like an alternate universe!

Hopefully Christmas won't leave me sadder than ever. There's always this grim feeling that sets itself like a blanket over my life, when the Christmas season approaches. Although it doesn't show or rather I don't let it - I've had my share of bitter Christmases and tear-filled wishful thinking. Some of you know that my parents haven't always been there and, perhaps their momentary absence has left me with issues pertaining to abandonment. I just hope I don't sink back into a relapse of what happened in secondary school.

I have to learn that my happiness should be independent of other people's absence, feelings and opinions. I should live for me. We all should - but we can't neglect others in the process either. The balance between selfishness and selflessness and joy and sorrow should not be dependent of each other. They are intertwined- I agree, but perhaps it shouldn't mean that its either one or the other. The balance - as I see it seems to lie in contentment, it is neither happy nor sad, neither giving nor receiving... its a compromise.

Oh well... I guess we just have to make the most of what we get - and thankfully we get a lot.

New year's eve presents a strange predicament. I have a feeling that there will be some sort of gathering which my ever so supportive father is going to - however I wonder if I would be allowed to make plans to celebrate it with some of my friends.

Young love

2009-11-27T15:53:00.003+08:00

I watch two of my friends, without them knowing... ahhh young love! Its a pity they daren't fight for it.

A shadow cast upon his face.
She tries to tease him with her grace.
She flirts then fumbles.
And then he mumbles ... something imperceptible.

He looks at her, she gazes back.
And was briefly taken aback ... by what he confided.

They share a kiss and a smile so miniscule plays on his lips.

For them

2009-11-27T15:26:00.003+08:00

I mustn't hate,
I cannot cry
I mustn't fear,
And so must lie

To myself and to them
To protect their simple, perfect realm

To keep the awful tears at bay
And banish evils all away

Those I love I must protect
Hence some things I must neglect

My duties are not my only will
So part of me I must kill

For them

finally

2009-11-26T14:33:00.003+08:00

And just like that she was cured! Whoopee! No more voices, no more ranting, thanks guys!

Urban dictionary

2009-11-16T02:03:00.004+08:00

Call me narcissistic but I looked my name up in the urban dictionary and lo and behold:

Rowan
An Australian Diety of heavy drinking, useful creation and enthusiasm. Called on mainly while in a state of extreme intoxication. Favours offerings of any alcohol, bestows gifts of really sharp knives, and/or beatings on occasion.

Bwahahahaha!
I don't know about the Australian part.

I love that website!
Here are some definitions which kept me entertained for a few minutes:

Manstration

When a man is going through his monthlies

Usage "You are a bitch right now - are you on your manstration?"

Brown Out
Less intense than the experience of "blacking out" when drunk and not remembering portions (or all) of your night, "browning out" occurs when you don't remember something until someone brings it up. It's not a complete blackout, but partial, because you remember once someone refreshes you.
Usage: I didn't even remember making out with Bryanne until J-Lo told me (it must not have been that good)! I definitely had a brown out last night.

Pisshap

A mishap generally involving the mass consumption of alcohol and a misdirection of urine to an area other than the toilet. This usually occurs as the result of an alcoholic stupor.

Can also apply to any other misadventure in some way linked to piss.

Usage: Man, Mark was so wasted at his birthday party last weekend that he woke up in the middle of the night and peed all over his computer. It was quite the pisshap.

Piglet Flu
During times of pandemic, the common flu is known as Piglet Flu. While less deadly than Swine Flu it still makes you feel like shit. However, because it is not infamous like swine flu you get no respect from having it. So you feel like crap and no one gives a damn because you don't have h1n1.

Usage:
Doctor: How do you feel.
Patient: Like shit.
Doctor: Well the tests came back, you don't have swine flu. So get the hell out you lazy good for nothing bastard. Come back with a real illness.

People voice

A people voice is the voice that someone uses when talking to people who aren't their friends. This voice is automatically happy, nicer and sweeter than their normal voice. It is also often more high pitched. This is often the voice people use when answering a telephone or when working in retail. Similiar to the girlfriend voice.

Usage: She so used her people voice when she was talking to that customer over there. Did you hear how sweet she was? She never sounds like that normally!

Friends
People who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. people who make you laugh till you pee your pants. people who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. when you dont have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. knows all of your internet passwords. who would never make you cry just to be mean.
*I love my friends!

Attention whore
Label given to any person who craves attention to such an extent that they will do anything to receive it. The type of attention (negative or positive) does not matter.
Usage: You're such a good attention whore!
*Note to the ladies I met with on Friday: I think we're all fed up with a particular attention whore. "winks"

Facebook crush

A crush on a Facebook friend is characterized by the unexplainable urge to revisit the friend's Photos tab repeatedly and checking to see if other friends have written new messages on their Wall. Usually afflicts users who are only somewhat acquainted.

Usage:"I've got a Facebook crush on a guy I was going to rent a room from, but in the end we just friended each other."
*Guilty!

Broner

A slang term used to explain the phenomenon during which a fiercely heterosexual male achieves an erection (or, "boner") for or while in the company of one of his male friends (or, "bros"). This may only occur while engaging in all-male activities, particularly those which include feats of strength or displays of hyper-masculinity. Upon achieving a broner, the man in question is often known to exclaim, "dude, suck that shit!" or "meet me in the shower."

Usage: The way you creamed that linebacker gave me a total broner.
*Gross but nonetheless funny!

High crime

A crime committed while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. High crimes are usually fairly harmless and poorly thought out. They are met with regret or a completely loss of memory of their occurrence the next day. Victims of these crimes are usually perplexed as to why they were targeted. Vandalism, theft, and verbal/physical assault are most common.

Usage:
Guy: "This random guy started talking shit to me at the bar then shoved me!"
Friend: "Sounds like you were a victim of a high crime."
Homeowner: "I went outside this morning and my lawn furniture was missing!"
Officer: "I've seen a lot of these, it was probably a high crime. Nothing I can do."

Credit goes to urbandictionary.com and those who posted those entries.

Sparkly

2009-11-15T21:22:00.003+08:00

Its been three straight nights when the skies poured out its wonder on the earth below. Everything was encrusted in sparkles. It was as if the skies had dusted the streets with crystals.

On Friday, I met up with the B8 buddies for dinner. I was thankful to take advantage of the fact that my parents wouldn't be at home till Saturday evening. It was nice to catch up with the ladies amidst delicious food. It was such a pity that the clique wasn't complete. I'll put up the photos later.

Anyways, the walk home was just what I needed to clear out the skeletons and cobwebs in my mind. It was cold, dark and I was getting soaked... but it was nice. I hadn't been in the rain for ages. I know this is going to sound really weird but I really love walking in the rain, especially at night. Its like having a shower outside, with clothes on. Hahaha!

Superficial love?

2009-11-12T01:43:00.007+08:00

Is romance really dead?

As much as I would like to deny it, I am a hopeless romantic, though not in the traditional sense. Sure, flowers are great, but gentlemen... I'd hate to break it to you but they are a sham. Their cultivation generates a great detriment to the environment due to the pesticides, fertilizers used and the amount of greenhouse gasses emmited, and to top it all off, they're pretty useless. Chocolate is much preferred. "Winks"

I am a big fan of random acts of kindness, and am usually the perpetrator of such acts. Perhaps though, not in a romantic sense.

Is the physical attraction really the initial spark that ignites a relationship? I mean, how can a person really be attracted to another individual whom he or she does not find even the least bit physically attractive? Beauty and the beast, could it really happen?

Sure, there are some couples who look completely incompatible, one looks extremely hot and the other looks like a plain Jane ~~like me~~, but surely they find some physical attribute to love about the individual less blessed in the looks department.

I don't know. It just seems like a pretty face and a nice body are the minimum requirements to funding a mate. I know that beauty is indeed skin deep and there is more to a person than mere looks, but can it start from there? Is it okay to just love a person's insides, or is romantic love only generated when there is a tangible aspect to the attraction?

I mean, I can think of a few friends who have the most awesome personalities, but look like the average Joe, and so far, nothing more than a platonic, admiration has risen from that. I wonder it that is true for everyone, or if I have just not had the pleasure of experiencing love for an average Joe yet? Who am I to talk, my love life is practically non-existant, but then again, a twist of fate might just leave me falling for an extraordinary personality.

Ah love, one of the many elusive things in life. Who am I to talk, when I have only felt that way for one person. Then again, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all right?

Keep your fingers crossed my loves!

Silence!

2009-11-12T01:19:00.003+08:00

In all honesty, my mental state at this very moment can be described in one word, and that is confused.

My mind is muddy and sluggish. I don't know weather to assume, ignore or just remain speculative about the recent developments in my reality. Everything that made sense, no longer does and I am questioning the very foundation of my belief system. Talk is cheap but it sure can catalyse some pretty earth shattering revelations.

Words and actions are what we hear and see, and we can only interpret from there. I used to have this innate talent for reading people and using what information I've gathered to the best of my advantage, but really... I know that its not right to exploit. It never was, and I swore that off a long time ago.

I used to be a bitch. Hated amongst some of my peers yet, influential beyond any body's understanding. I used to enjoy playing games - catty mind games. Now, I don't feel like playing anymore. Perhaps that's what makes me weak, I've lost the edge.

I know that I'm being extremely abstract, and that really is the best that I can do at the moment. I need to figure this out for myself first of all.

I've had the maddest dreams lately. Mad!

I need to think. I need time to think. I need silence.

Angels and nightmares.

2009-11-04T17:06:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I had this freakishly unusual and frightening nightmare.

My mother of all people was pregnant. I remembered thinking, "At that age and that condition, it would be likely that she would die before my sibling would reach apt maturity in her womb". I also remembered thinking that I would even resort to being a surrogate mother for my own sister so long as my mother was kept safe .

In the dream, my mum was dead set on having that child. That tiny monster that I was supposed to recognize as a sister. To tell you the truth, I was furious at the baby for putting my strained familial relationships in an even more precarious position.

It was immensely strange as dreams are, but it made me appreciate my mother even more. It was terrifying.

I know, and have known for years that my mother was no longer capable of child bearing and I know how much of a toll it was on her to only be able to have one child. They've tried many times, five if I am not wrong, and all but one were still born.

I guess I am lucky.

Its weird though, when I was younger, I always had this reoccurring dream that there were four angelic little girls dancing around my head, the strangest part about that though is the fact that only recently did I find out that my siblings were all girls.

A few weeks ago, I actually found out one of their names. My family was watching television in the living room and I made a comment about how there were many actresses whose names came from the root "angel" such as Angelica, Angela, Angelique and Angel. I thanked my parents for not naming me Angel. My Dad responded that one of my sister's names was Angelita - which is Spanish for little angel. That conversation struck a chord with me.

Sweet tooth

2009-11-01T00:37:00.007+08:00

Some people believe that if you laugh hard enough, for long enough, you'll eventually experience some form of joy.

Now, there is an explanation for this, provided by psychologists and other members of the scientific community. They believe that by performing the act of laughing or taking a pill, the body and the brain especially undergo physiological changes which correspond to the emotion or set of responses commonly associated with that action. This is known as the placebo effect.

Interestingly that phenomenon is used to test the effectiveness of drugs, when half of the patients part of a clinical study are given nothing but the sweet sugary goodness of "fake pills" and some of them do show a marked improvement and alleviation of with regards to their medical complaint.

I'm not sure if the placebo phenomenon is applicable in my scenario but, well... I have been laughing for a very long time, and all that has lead to is the perception that I am indeed a clown, or perhaps just another mischievous imbecile who's sole joy and purpose in life is to entertain others.

Sure, it has brought smiles and laughter to the faces of many of my comrades, and that isn't a bad thing, however I feel as though there is this common misunderstanding which takes place. I am not a clown. I enjoy laughter just as much as the next person and I just happen to initiate this chain of guffaws most of the time.

That does not mean that I have no feelings or thoughts outside the realm of comedy, it does however mean the exact opposite. Now most of you may not know that I am the queen of deflection.

If there is something I do not want to say or talk about, I deflect the idea as subtly as I can. Joking is my preferred method of choice . It generates the much needed distraction from issues which I do not want to face. Perhaps that is the reason why people seem to feel close to me much easier than I do for them.

I do deflect, a lot. I just wish that someone would take the time out of their day to break the sweet, crispy, sugar coating and get to the gooey cream center to what essentially is a tootsie roll - yum!

I do not like letting down my defences. I do not like the idea of someone having the power to manipulate or hurt me - then again, no one does, but it does gets lonely here in my candy land from time to time.

Perhaps I would have to shed my sugar coating for something more revealing, perhaps a light enrobement of milk chocolate instead.

Its Halloween and I want s'mores. I miss trick or treating. I miss dressing up as one of the evil witches. I miss the candy and the fun.

the past week's line up in 5 minutes

2009-10-31T21:05:00.006+08:00

This week has been a mad dash, a rush, a good workout and possibly one of the better weeks. Sure I messed up some of my experiments and sure I didn't break in the SMU Tournament but I still had loads of fun.

Pictures below... the rest are on Facebook If you want the big copies... just buzz me online! :D

Where am I?

Sleep...

More sleep...

Almanac? Alamak!

Boys!

Patrick Star!

Smile!

Posers... hmph

The big squuuueeezze!

Today, I went back to school and we, the B8 people had a reunion. I couldn't really take any pictures because my phone's memory was maxed out.

It was so nice to see my friends after a few months of totally no contact. I love you guys. Don't let that bitch get you down... you know who I'm talking about. I swear to get my phone fixed as soon as possible.

Felicia, Jessic and Joshua... we missed you guys today.

Randomness

2009-10-22T02:29:00.005+08:00

I remember that I was going to try my hand at photoblogging so...

The sky was so bright and the day was just plain goregous, so here are some of the random pictures I took that Thursday - everyone looks like a superhero:

Palm beach, Florida? - Gosh the campus is awesome!

Tall? Hmm...

Super R2! All he needs is a cape!

Don Fearsome?

I know I haven't been blogging lately and its because I've been down with the flu and the MP Proposal is taking up all of my time. It's common knowledge that I am the queen of procrastination, but this is just ridiculous! I have been sleeping a lot - because the medication the doctor prescribed causes drowsiness, and well, that leaves me little time to get down to writing y proposal. Let me put it this way... right now, saying that I'm in a panicked state would be an understatement.

Only on Monday did I get an idea of what I was going to write in the proposal. This evening, I found out exactly what I should include, and now, I have no excuses. Its crunch time as soon as the sun rises, I'm off to work. I'm a woman with a mission -er two actually but one is more pressing so...

The unfolding of certain events with regards to debates has left me completely baffled. I wish I attended training on Monday.

Something's bubbling under the surface. I sense a major change coming soon - and I'm not just talking about debates. - Winks!

Documentaries

2009-10-11T00:41:00.003+08:00

Oh yeah... I just watched a bunch of documentaries. One "The History of Islam" and another on ethnic violence in Africa, United States and the United Kingdom (Racism: A History).

Islam does have similarities to Catholicism with regards to certain icons, like Abraham, Jesus, the Archangel Gabriel and the North Star. Its pretty interesting, and in the 5th century, when there was a mass conversion of the population surrounding Mecca to Muslim, the Jews and the Christians in the region were permitted not to convert because their practices were in parallel with Abraham's one God. Christians, Muslims and Jews actually worshiped side by side.

I want to know more! Its a wonder that I think these things are fascinating, considering my consistent aversion to organized religion. It is interesting though... the differences and similarities between different religious beliefs. It actually makes me think that perhaps maybe, there's more to religion than I initially thought. Maybe I was too quick to judge.

The documentary on Racism was incredibly eye opening. It demonstrated the extent of hatred expressed by many against their slaves. It showed how Congolese were exploited by the Dutch and how much death and destruction has actually occurred. It showed how far we've come and highlighted the importance of inspirational figures such as Martin Luther King to push forth equality between different ethnic groups. It made me realize that discussing issues is enough catalyze a chain of events which could potentially lead to a better future.

We're still not out of the fire though. Some are still trapped in lifetimes of poverty due to discrimination that is still present till this day.

I am so in love with the History channel and BBC Knowledge. I don't get to watch them a lot though. Sigh... Maybe this weekend.

Weekends

2009-10-11T00:04:00.004+08:00

I've been stressing out this past week!

Why is it that whenever I go try to relax... I end up more tired than when I started? The irony in having fun, is that it drains the life out of me.

As of now I feel as if I'd fully recovered from Scarro's chalet. It was fun. Strange. Interesting and well... I actually missed a lot of it. I slipped away to catch some Zs. Maye would be proud of THAT overt expression of my hedonistic tendencies. What can I say... when you need sleep... you gotta have it.

It seemed appropriate because I'd been getting very little sleep these past few days and alcohol just amplified my sluggishness.

Note to self: Finish off the with tequila. Don't start the celebration/de-stressing session by drinking half a bottle ~~no matter how upset you get~~.

Bah...I guess it would have been no different if I were to be awake when all of the action happened. I probably would have no recollection of it anyways - like Rabies. Hahaha!

I only got a comprehensive picture of the entirety of what had gone down from the snippets of conversations, and anecdotes that I'd heard in the morning after. Apparently, there were a few make out sessions, catalyzed by alcohol and a party game with poker cards. I would have loved to see what happened... but after the unraveling of events were revealed to me, I doubt that I would have wanted to actually participate. Then again...

I miss the Philippines. I miss the independence in living with people my age group... and I guess that was why I like chalets so much.

Anyways, on other things... I was so right. My suspicions about the state of my mom's health were confirmed. My mother saw the doctor twice this week... and I thought that was strange. I mean how often does one need to visit a doctor?

It turns out that mom has a cataract in both of her eyes. Its a complication from her diabetes. Its gotten to the point where she can only see the silhouette of a person with her right eye. Finally, my parents are doing something about that. She's going to get the cataract removed.

Sigh. I really hope that dad's company pays for the operation. She really needs it, but I think that we wouldn't be able to afford it.

Speaking of not being able to afford things... my phone is yet again out of commission. It can only accommodate incoming calls and messages. Daddy "forgot" to pay the bill.

Step it up

2009-10-08T09:50:00.003+08:00

The pressure is on people.

My Major Project has been explained to me by my supervisor and the first thought that came to my mind was:

"Oh my gosh! How awesome would it be if we actually helped provide the foundation for magnetic hyperthermia as a cure for cancer!"

My second thought was:

"Oh my gosh! How on earth am I supposed to do this? I have no idea... damn. There's tons of reading to be done."

Then I heard a really loud KA-BOOOM! - That was the sound of my bubble bursting! My heart sank. There was this uncomfortable, funny feeling at the pit of my stomach.

A daunting task it is, but it is worth doing if I want any of my hopes of trying to save the world to be fulfilled, and less importantly, if I want to pass my MP.

I am now centrifuging the nanoparticles... and doing the Debates homework. Sigh... I still have to write my Major Project Synopsis. Its due on Friday as well.

Oh dear oh dear....

pretend

2009-10-04T01:47:00.006+08:00

What's the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating? The outcome is exactly the same, with regards to everyone else in the world who might be impacted by those actions. But there is a difference.

What is the difference between pretending and being?

Pretending makes things much more complex. Pretending to do something is forcing your physical self to do something which you probably don't believe in. It requires more planning and self control as compared to actually doing something because you want to.

Pretending is absolutely fine with me. I'd be none the wiser if someone was to blatantly lie to my face.

Because, it is practically impossible to tell if someone is pretending or not, unless of course that someone shows cracks in their facade. That would then lead me to question the credibility of that person's actions and the genuine-ity of his intentions.

Aren't I the hypocrite?

Then again if someone were to "pretend" for my benefit, I guess that I wouldn't awknowledge it as such a bad thing , because it was probably done to spare my feelings and that means that the perpetrator cares enough about me to actually try and spare me from a certain degree of hurt.
- And that was me, trying to justify my actions.

I know I've been quite a bit abstract these days and I guess I'd like to keep it that way for now. The reason for all of that secrecy, I'm not exactly proud of what I've been doing lately. Lets just say that I've been manipulative and just plain not-very-nice.

Storm

2009-10-01T16:37:00.007+08:00

Here I am once again, seesawing between emotions. There really must be something wrong with me.

I don't know if anyone else notices.

I absolutely abhor my situation. I despise that I feel powerless at this very moment.
I know for a fact that I am not incapable. I am hindered by certain unwritten contractual agreements and I know that is not an excuse. There is no excuse. I want so badly to escape from my predicament and that is my cruel dilemma ... myself.

I feel as if I am at the eye of a storm. Where everything is calm. I cringe at the thought that any moment I would be forced to submit to its tremendous winds. There and then, and only then, would I really be completely powerless ... not now.

Now, I have a chance, a small one at that and that fact has stopped many people. Will I let it stop me?

Life is indeed a slew of natural disasters. Now, more so in reality, rather than in the confines of my emotional mind.

There was a tsunami, there was an earthquake, there was a flood. Each of these resulted in thousands of casualties around the world, and here I am in sunny perfect Singapore, wallowing in one of the most despicable things in this world, in self pity.

Daddy's Girl.

2009-09-29T14:28:00.006+08:00

Finally, my parents are showing signs of letting up. You probably already know that my parents are the typical over protective pair that they are.

Last Sunday, I had a talk with my Dad.

Apparently he was concerned about the fact that debates seems to be taking up most of my time. Note that I came home fairly late the previous day because I hung out with the dear ole debaters after the tryouts. I explained to him that I was merely doing something so innocent as hanging out with my friends and I also highlighted the fact that sometimes, the man of the house, my mother, ~~winks~~ was overbearing and somewhat unhappy about my "escapades".

We talked about how I had to ask for permission at least two days prior to an event that I would like to attend. I explained how my mother was still disallowing me to participate in social gatherings at my ripe old age of 21.

The problem with that is that I am old enough to make my own decisions. I can't be dependent on their judgement forever.

Also, I did not feel good about the prior arangement as you could imagine. I like to get out with my friends from time to time and currently, that is kept to a bare minimum.

I always have to watch my actions. I always have to think about what the old maid is going to think before I ask for permission and that was driving me stark raving mad. I don't get any freedom. After all, I don't want to be cooped up in a little box all my life?

The issue was trust. It was as plain and simple as that. I illustrated my point of view to the tee. "I would not be able to be independent in life if you continue to treat me this way," I said in tagalog.

My pathetic, I-still-haven't-showered-just-woke-up look on my face, got my dear old dad to agree that it was okay if I went out from time to time, so long as I tell him what time I would be home and where I am.

Now, I get out more often which makes me a happier and potentially more independent person, and I don't get reprimanded for having a modicum of a social life.

I think daddy is trying to make up for lost time. I believe that my father is finally starting to exert his influence in helping me break free from my mother's ideals and I love him for it.

Sure I love my mother too ~~DUH~~, but she does have a way of suffocating me.

Oh and I guess I'm saying all of this because MY DAD LET ME GO FOR SCARRO's chalet! I was so damn worried. He even proposed to go talk to my mother about it.

Hugs dad! :D

Infinite

2009-09-28T01:24:00.002+08:00

Who is able to predict what I can become?

For that to happen, someone has to know what I am now, in the present day and time... so that they can correctly extrapolate exactly what I can be.

The problem is, no one really knows another individual.

No one can aptly decipher exactly what is going on in someone else's brain by just observing what is going on in the surface. We only show glimpses of ourselves to everyone else, and on the rare occasions when we are actually unguarded and completely exposed, we are exposed only to a few.

Sometimes we're not even conscious of how we feel and why we feel a certain way. At times we don't even know exactly what or who we are.

I believe that we never know what we are capable of until we actually grasp the milestones in our lives. At that moment of achievement, we know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are capable of doing THAT thing, because of the simple fact that we already have.

Before that achievement, we have doubts about our capabilities. In our minds exists a weed, a seed of doubt planted within, that is only entirely eradicated once those goals are realized.

Once those goals are crystalized, we set our sights on another goal. Once you are at the top of that hill, you can see that there are other hills, higher than the one beneath your feet and you aspire to conquer them. It is as if you are chasing the perpetually elusive horizon line.

My point is that there is no such thing as a limit to our capabilities. Our capabilities are infinite.

Once you feel like you've reached the edge... you realize that you can move another inch forward. Once you feel like you've had enough, you take a step back to think and you come to the conclusion that you can endure much more... that you can accomplish so much more that you ever dreamt possible.

So... who is to predict what I can become?

No one. We can all be anything we want to be. Nothing is beyond our capabilities.

Inhuman

2009-09-27T03:05:00.005+08:00

I love dolphins. I love documentaries, so you'd think that I'd love a documentary about dolphins right?

Not when its about what some of the Japanese people are doing to them. Its barbaric.

"Humaneness" is a human invention, and it stems from the word "human". It is supposed to mean "a quality marked by an emphasis on humanistic values and concerns".

It is supposed express how we differentiate ourselves from other animals, in the way that we are capable of expressing compassion and mercy in a way animals are unable to.

Its an idea propagated by us, humans. How then can we stand for such in-humanity?

Things like these make me question our position on earth. We regard ourselves as superior beings, but that only means that we have the capability to protect the other beings in this earth.

If we fail in doing this...have we really come that far? Have we really evolved beyond the rest of the animals, or are we just as, or even more despicable than the lowly cockroach.

At least animals kill for a reason, but the animals in this film are mindless drones motivated by empty traditions and the thirst for adrenaline - oh and guess what... the dolphin meat is tainted with mercury... so it isn't safe to eat either.